Oh yeah, I've been through many-a-12-step. I liked it pretty well, but not being religious I never felt like I fit in. Plus it was a little too structured for me. For example, you go, share, and move on to the next person. It's like I could've done that at home talking to the wall. I need feedback in groups -- I need dialogue! lol

Thanks for the good luck wish!

I agree, I like feedback, input, discussion etc.

Andy? About the boys you touched:

How many of them assertively looked at you when you started touching them and said "DON'T"! Your story perfectly illustrates the need to teach children to be assertive about their bodies and proper boundaries/touch, don't you think?

Anyway. Dude, I'm sorry that this is how you turned out growing up. It must be a heavy weight to carry around. Maybe your perp Dad should have thought of this before he started molesting you huh?

Acknowledge that you did it. Acknowledge that it happened. But DON'T accept a majority of the blame for how you were turning out as a youngster ok? That fucking perp Dad of yours gets 99% of the blame the way I see it. Thank you for sharing this.

Andy,

I appreciate the honesty of this topic. I did some things that I think were acting out after having been abused/traumatized (I still need to figure out what it all was, but it certainly screwed me up big time; because I became a willing participant, somehow I feel I don't have the right to accept the harm that was done. Ugg!!).

Anyway, I carry around so much guilt as to who I became as a person. Looking at who I was as a kid, there is no way in the world I would have wished for things to be the way they were. It just floors me sometimes and gets in the way of me reaching out. As if the shame/guilt/trauma of what happened to me wasn't enough to deal with, I then carry around the shame and guilt of who I became as a person. It makes it hard for me to tear down the walls sometimes.

Since I can't remember that time period that well, I can't say for certain that I did some of what I did after what was done to me. But I have some hunches, and clues that makes me pretty sure I had things happen to me first. My memories around this time are so screwed up. I wish I could remember more, but I can't. It really seems the linearity of my life got obscured around this time; actually, more truthfully I just think a lot of memories are missing (but I can't tell if it is normal forgetting or what, but it seems to be a different loss of memories than at other periods of my life; it is as if I want to grab back at those years and figure things out, but so much information is missing.) I repressed everything troubling until after I got some distance from where I grew up; I swear I didn't remember the stuff that happened up until that time, but it seems so foreign to me that I could do that.

Anyway, it helps to read a thread like this and get some insight. I know I have got to reach back and pull into the now the kid that got shattered years ago. Actually, I have acknowledged that it helped me to look back to the kid I once was and to sort of look to that me from then to take back those good things into the now. I also see that even in the worst of times, that all those good parts of who I was were still there, it was just there was a lot of crap as well. And I know for certain that I never wanted any of that crap.

Eric

Andy,

Reading this post hit right at home for me. I recall acting out after the abuse occured. Like many said here I put on displays for anyone willing to watch me re-create sexual things. From friends to acquaintances,hell friends of the family. So much of who I was as a kid caught up in sexuality. I carried on this behavior until the fear of someone telling consumed me. I remember sleeping at a friends house when I decided to show them that sex with a pillow can be pleasurable. They laughed at me and scowled. I ended up switching schools but eventually met up with them a little later on. They pointed and said, hey arent you that guy with the pillows. Of course out of habit and shame denial was an immediate response. From that point on I turned inward and focused my efforts on myself. Anything I could get my hands on to re-enact what had become normal in my day to day life. When I look back sexuality was all I ever knew, I was just a kid.

Andy,

Reading this post hit right at home for me. I recall acting out after the abuse occured. Like many said here I put on displays for anyone willing to watch me re-create sexual things. From friends to acquaintances,hell friends of the family. So much of who I was as a kid caught up in sexuality. I carried on this behavior until the fear of someone telling consumed me. I remember sleeping at a friends house when I decided to show them that sex with a pillow can be pleasurable. They laughed at me and scowled. I ended up switching schools but eventually met up with them a little later on. They pointed and said, hey arent you that guy with the pillows. Of course out of habit and shame denial was an immediate response. From that point on I turned inward and focused my efforts on myself. Anything I could get my hands on to re-enact what had become normal in my day to day life. When I look back sexuality was all I ever knew, I was just a kid.

I understand how you feel and it makes sense that you were looking for some way to act out what might have been done to you. My own opinion is it seems like you wanted to do anything to get away from all the pain and bad memories. I have acted out before when I was around 13. I'm ashamed to admit this but in a way I have to be honest about what happened. I was raped when I was 11. I later got into a bad situation where I ended up acting out what was done to me. This guy I came across through a family situation brought out something that I can't believe I did then. He was in his 30s and I(13) ended up having sex with him twice. I think to some degree I had an idea what I was doing only by what was done to me before. He didn't tell me no and encouraged me to experience what penetration felt like. This has made me question my orientation. I don't see myself as gay because of this even though the acts were. I have found since that women are what I am attracted to the most.
I am now 27 and haven't had sex since. What stopped all of this was my dad walking in on us. My own worthless dad tried to turn me in to the authorities but mom stopped him. He interrogated me for days claiming I had AIDS and was going to die. I never told him a word of what had happened. 4 months ago I came out about being raped at 11. He hasn't talked to me since.
After thinking, now I feel like crap acting out my own violation even though a 30 something year old should know better than to allow having sex with a 13 year old. All of this adds to my confusion as to who I am and what I am supposed to be.

You didn't have sex with him. He sexually abused you. The man took advantage of the boy's lack of knowledge, experience, and ability to truly consent. Even if you knew what you were doing (and what 13 year old has the knowledge of a 30 year old) it was not only against the law but a violation of you. It sounds like you are still affected by the abuse at 11 and ths "relationship". I hope you are dealing with it in therapy because you don't need to be suffering all this time. It was not your fault for being abused and it is always the adult's responsibility and fault.

Your father did not help out and was completely wrong in the way he treated you. Another area to work on, it sounds like.

I have had many times where the memories of rape have resurfaced. I never told anyone until 10 months ago. My best friend and mentor was the one that I told first. He told me that he thought something had happened but didn't want to pry. He has been the only one that has been there through thick and thin. I think of him as the dad I never had. He never had kids because his ex-wife didn't want any. People have asked if we are related. That makes both of us feel like we have something we missed out on.

All of these bad memories have been been buried for 15 years. I opened Pandora's box and al hell has broken loose since. It has been difficult and of the two people I would have thought might become closer, abandoned me as usual; my parents. Their view and the person they thought they knew was only my protective wall I built around myself. I have written my final letter to them to let there know I don't want anything to do with them, don't want anything from their will to remember them by or want any further contact. I included my thoughts about the most hurtful things they did or didn't do because it was time they heard my side for once and for all. I have accepted that I don't have parents and moved on. I burned a copy along with the pictures I had of them. It felt like I was freed from their prison and will never go back. I cried plenty and have no regrets. I have been free for 8 years and I'll do anything not to have to go back to them. One of my good friends told me once that your closest family may not even be related to you. I think she is right.
My sessions that I have been going to have covered many areas and there is much more to do. I feel like an old house that is going through a complete gut and rebuild. I hope it turns out as far from where I started at in the beginning. Thank you for your time and shared warmth.

Seems that acting out is a situation many of us go through...I do the same...and sometimes i can understand why but others i feel embarrased by getting excited by what hapened to me...i have told my T and she says is normal to have those feelings...it seems like re-enacting them makes them less hurting...