When I was in 3rd or 4th grade (ages 8-10) I started pretty much reliving my abuse through others. I think sex became an addiction for me. I had so much on my mind that I think sex seemed to be the only thing that would calm my mind and focus my thoughts to something other than how bad I felt inside. Strange as that sounds, I think it's true.

So by at least 4th grade I was already a sex addict. I began acting out with all my friends. I lost the trust of some of them, I think, and perhaps -- though I didn't know it at the time -- gained a reputation. It especially hurt when my best friend for as long as I can remember stopped talking to me. Of course I didn't really realize why he had stopped talking to me at the time. I'm almost positive it had to do with my advances whenever we were together, though.

Up until the middle of 6th grade (11-12), when I had to move in with my mom, I kept acting out with my friends that came over or spent the night. Some have told me that it could've been just experimenting, but I don't really think that's the case. There was clear motives. There was intent. Heck, one of my goals of the sleep overs was to be sexual with them. By 6th grade I was blatant and unflinching, and did things that I don't think any 11-year-old would even know about let alone do to someone -- such as oral sex.

I feel bad for all the friends I touched back then. I wish there was a way to make amends with those people, but A) I don't know where they live now, and B) it was so long ago, I'm not even sure it's worth digging up the past. Would they even remember it? And if they didn't, would it make it "weird" to confess such things to them?

I really just want to explain to them my mind at the time. I want to tell them that I was being/had been abused, and I was pretty mixed up inside. I want to tell them that it was my mixed up idea of affection and love. But then again, I was automatic about it too. I didn't even know why I wanted to do that -- it just was reflexive or something. *shrug*

Anyone have any advice to this matter?

By age 12 I was living at my mom's and, since my foundation of friends had really been demolished -- I was the new kid -- I tended to not act out so much. Perhaps because I was older, too, I developed more of a conscious. I don't know. I'm still exploring this in therapy.

All I know is that when I moved, my friends became younger -- out of circumstance. I was teased relentlessly in school, but the younger kids looked up to me. I was the oldest kid in the neighborhood for a long time. I still had the acting out urges, too. But luckily I was more aware then that someone might tell, and I would incur the wrath.

I think that's the key...younger me didn't think about the consequences, he just acted. Twelve year old me was sort of, but not fully, more aware of that, I guess.

It's strange. At 26, I'm sort of celibate. Maybe I'm just used up, but I have no desire to be sexual with people my age. Heck , it's hard for me to be courageous enough just to be friends.

I understand Andy, I have similar history. Wish I could go back and explain. I know the feeling of wondering some would even remember and if no think I am a freak. It was all I knew how to relate, auto pilot, that is just what did to feel good and stuff things away. Bad things not to think about. Guess I was really twisted kid.

Roger

Andy this touches close to home for me. While I can't say I acted out with allot of people, I definitely did with some. I guess for me that's one my key guilt/shame issues. I can be ok with what happened to me, but can't stand the things that happened as a result of it. Like you, as I got older (11-12) it stopped. Course so did the abuse at the hands of others. So maybe for me there is a correlation there. I too began to fear the consequences, which definitely kept me from acting out with others. Instead I turned to myself and began to do so daily, and then when my older brother brought porn home from the military..... damn I couldn't get enough.

I understand the friend thing as well. I'm 32 now, and can count those I call friends on one hand and even that leaves two digits free to wave in the wind. I finding though that trust is healing. I'm finally opening up to some people, and it's helped emensely.

Scott, you have one less finger to wave in the wind buddy. Anytime, anywhere.

Love ya

Roger

Hi Andy,

Thanks so much for being open and sharing your experience. It takes so much courage to talk about the past, the pain, the aloneness, etc. I am glad you did. As you can tell, some can relate, some of us had somewhat similar experiences and hopefully, you can let us reach out to you, accept you for who you are.

I certainly hope you continue to share, to be one of us and to find love and acceptance for yourself. Love to be there for you if I can.

Take care,

B

Thank you guys for your replies. It really means a lot to me that others can relate to what I'm thinking -- and what happened back then in this regard.

I can reach out to you guys, I think, and I will continue to share. I hope I can be as much help to you all as you are to me.

Andy, I can relate to your history. Mine was much the same, but I nver stopped, really. I've continued to act out, obsessively, for almost all of my life, I guess up until 4 or 5 years ago. Sex and porn have always been an obsession with me, and I guess I am addicted to it. The only reason I say I've stopped now is that I'm in a new relationship that I really care about, and he fulfills many of my needs and desires.

It's all related to my CSA... If I hadn't been abused at 8, I probably never would have started trying to sexualize every relationship, every freindship, every acquaintance I had.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Get married to someone you care deeply for. That's what did it for me, finally. But that's hardly advice, is it; it's more of a dream isn't it?

Oh, one more thing; you don't have any fingers left to wave in the air... I doubt you ever really did...

Your friend,

Ric

I read this post of yours and still come to the same conclusion: Andy is a good guy and brave!!!!

Thanks for your open, honest post, AndyJB. Yes, I can understand what you're saying and feeling because my own abuse story somewhat parallels yours. I began at 5 (?or earlier) to have sex with anything that was to have sex with. I, like Lazarus, continued to act out with peers that would participate. I slowed down at 22, however. I married at 23! That's not to say urges disappeared but management of them became easier to control.

Howard

Andy,

Thanks your share. I too can relate to your history in many ways. But like other that have shared my sexual compulsion/addiction continued into my adult life (nice way of saying I sex as often as could and still keep my job). What I did was get into a 12 step sexual recovery program.

While it took me years to get any recovery from sex addiction I learned a lot about some of the things you mentioned. For one I had an immediate circle of people who understood at least a part of my life and a group of potential friends who would not bail on me when I told them my deep dark secrets. Two in program I learned about taking responsibility for what was my stuff and not taking responsibility for others. This was a big relief for me because I found that I took responsibility things that weren’t mine and of often avoided taken responsibility for things that were mine. This covered my sexual behavior when I was young and an adult. The truth was that no matter how old was when I was having sex I never did it by myself and never forced anyone to have sex with me, so the other person involved always had a part in that experience no matter what guilt obsessed self wanted to say about that.

In program I also learned when and how to make an appropriate amends if an amends was needed (and I did not have to make amends without support). I also learned that the best amend I could make was to stop my behavior (which sounds like something you have already done) and the person at the top of my amends list was me (a concept it to me years to accept and act on in a constructive way)

We all have our own paths. I could have never been in a loving or supportive relationship (or marriage) without recovery. Love was one of my biggest triggers.

It sounds like you have started working on your healing and have a lot of support here on MS.

Good Luck on Your Journey,

Cal