When I was in 3rd or 4th grade (ages 8-10) I started pretty much reliving my abuse through others. I think sex became an addiction for me. I had so much on my mind that I think sex seemed to be the only thing that would calm my mind and focus my thoughts to something other than how bad I felt inside. Strange as that sounds, I think it's true.
So by at least 4th grade I was already a sex addict. I began acting out with all my friends. I lost the trust of some of them, I think, and perhaps -- though I didn't know it at the time -- gained a reputation. It especially hurt when my best friend for as long as I can remember stopped talking to me. Of course I didn't really realize why he had stopped talking to me at the time. I'm almost positive it had to do with my advances whenever we were together, though.
Up until the middle of 6th grade (11-12), when I had to move in with my mom, I kept acting out with my friends that came over or spent the night. Some have told me that it could've been just experimenting, but I don't really think that's the case. There was clear motives. There was intent. Heck, one of my goals of the sleep overs was to be sexual with them. By 6th grade I was blatant and unflinching, and did things that I don't think any 11-year-old would even know about let alone do to someone -- such as oral sex.
I feel bad for all the friends I touched back then. I wish there was a way to make amends with those people, but A) I don't know where they live now, and B) it was so long ago, I'm not even sure it's worth digging up the past. Would they even remember it? And if they didn't, would it make it "weird" to confess such things to them?
I really just want to explain to them my mind at the time. I want to tell them that I was being/had been abused, and I was pretty mixed up inside. I want to tell them that it was my mixed up idea of affection and love. But then again, I was automatic about it too. I didn't even know why I wanted to do that -- it just was reflexive or something. *shrug*
Anyone have any advice to this matter?
By age 12 I was living at my mom's and, since my foundation of friends had really been demolished -- I was the new kid -- I tended to not act out so much. Perhaps because I was older, too, I developed more of a conscious. I don't know. I'm still exploring this in therapy.
All I know is that when I moved, my friends became younger -- out of circumstance. I was teased relentlessly in school, but the younger kids looked up to me. I was the oldest kid in the neighborhood for a long time. I still had the acting out urges, too. But luckily I was more aware then that someone might tell, and I would incur the wrath.
I think that's the key...younger me didn't think about the consequences, he just acted. Twelve year old me was sort of, but not fully, more aware of that, I guess.
It's strange. At 26, I'm sort of celibate. Maybe I'm just used up, but I have no desire to be sexual with people my age.
Heck , it's hard for me to be courageous enough just to be friends.