I grew up in a situation where anger was a tool to keep everyone at bay. My father did this all the time, not only to my mother, but to us kids as well. I never took the time to consider the big question as to why this was, it just was. Did he fear intimacy? Was he afraid that by becoming close to anyone of us that he would be hurt? I'm not sure of the why, I just know what was.
Fast forward to my father as an 84 year old man. Although my siblings and my mother still support him even though it is often a challenge, none of us can really say we are emotionally attached to him. The harsh truth of the situation is he is a lonely old man who still continues to use his anger to keep everyone at a distance. He has kept himself safe by doing this but he has also kept himself very much isolated and free from experiencing love.
I look in the mirror sometimes and in being raised in this manner I worry about the pattern. There is a lot at this point in life that I could be angry about, that I could construct my very own wall to keep everyone far away from me. We all have that choice, we all must take ownership of why we are the way we are. All I know Coop is that I never want to awaken in my father's shoes. I want a relationship with my kids, husband and someday my grandchildren...it is through such experiences that we find a better understanding of the genuine spirit within ourselves.
I see a good heart within you in the feelings you have expressed about Lisa. If I could make a wish for you it would be for you to find a way through this challenge and to feel confidence in letting the wall down that is protecting your heart.
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."