Finally. This is long and hopefully no one will wade thru it but I had to get it out.
I know your dead and all and canít read this but as least three people over the years have suggested I write you a letter. I am not so sure of the value of this exercise but here goes.
First of all I want you to know that I loved you. You were my dad. I looked up to you. You were so strong and handsome. You talked to God. Mom said you prayed and ask him for a child because she could not have children and she wanted a child. She told me that you prayed and God gave you me and then two years later my sister. I have a question. From some things my mom told me later, though I have often wondered if it was you that wanted the children. Mom had indicated on several occasions that she was not to thrilled to have a child. I donít know why and will never know.
Anyway here I was. Mom says you accidentally tried to drown me one night by putting my head under the faucet to wash my face. I got pneumonia in both lungs but again you prayed and I survived. Was it an accident? I will never know.
What happened in my life in those early years? I remember only a scene here or picture of something there. I remember watching you in the living room watching tv in your housecoat. I saw you naked. I was peeking around the corner naked myself watching. I donít know why. What happened to my little boy? What happened to his childhood?
Did you want me? Did you love me? Did you do things to my body? Did you hit me out of rage and frustration at your inability to keep from touching me? Did you let others touch me?
I remember being asleep in my bed and feeling something was wrong. I woke up in terror knowing something was in my room. I tried to breath through my mouth and lay very still. I smelled Ö something. A man in my room. Naked. Touching me. And then I remembered the smell of your aftershave. And baby powder. And something more. Something nasty. My underwear is down and I am being touched. It feels good and scary. Then you leave me and close my door. I am terrified and I donít move and go back to sleep a long time later. I donít know why it happened but I decide to stay awake tonight and see if it happens again.
I laid awake several nights till I could not keep my eyes open any more but you didnít come back for a week.
You were so distant. I wanted to ask you about it and I was excited and afraid but you would not look at me and kept leaving me or telling me to go away.
I think I understand why now. You were ashamed. You looked at me and you were ashamed. When you saw me you saw guilt and shame. So you withdrew even further from me. Until night. Then we could be friends again. Sharing secrets. Sharing fun for a few moments. Then the hanky. Then you would leave and take the hanky and the scent.
I would have done anything for you. I did all you asked and let you do what every you wanted. Me and you. My DAD.
But I found out after you died it wasnít just me was it. You sent me away. You gave me away to others. I didnít know at the time. I was cool sharing the secret with you. Once I saw you liked to see me naked I let you. I started sleeping naked. I almost died of embarrassment one morning when mom jumped in bed with me to wake me up. She was tickling me and realized I was naked. I must have been twelve. I was mortified and so was she. But I always slept naked for you. I know you watched me from outside my windows at night in my room. I got naked for you there and in the bathroom to so you could see your boy. So you would love your boy.
But you didnít did you. You didnít love me at all. I was just a hanky. Just a hole. Empty hole not even a person to you. Totally replaceable.
Why do I miss you? Why did you have to take my mother? I miss her so much. I never got to say good bye. You made that decision as you made all the others for all of us. Where we would live, when we would move, who we could play with, how we could play.
When I got hit by the car and almost died, should have died, you prayed again. I was healed. I woke up the next day in my right mind. My head was ok. My skull fracture was gone. Should have been a happy time but you were mad and were mean to me. I wish I could have died there but I came home.
When I was in high school in Apache Junction and lived in the garage as my bedroom while you and mom and sis slept in the house I felt alone and abandoned. But you still watched me from outside my window. You could not come to my room cause the garage door would make to much noise. I had another chance to die there in AJ. Jumping off the back of the jeep. Wandering around the street with a sever concussion for who knows how long till some one brought me to the house. You put me on the couch and went to church. I could have died there but again I didnít. I donít know if you prayed or not. I was out of it till the next afternoon mom said.
Why do I still miss you? Why do I still try to be what I think would make you happy? Why do I care? For a while I hated you because you liked the other boys in the church better than me. They went fishing with you, camping with you, rallies with you and stuff. Why couldnít I go. Was I so bad? I kept your secret. I was good. I honored my father and my mother. I stayed out of trouble mostly. I got married so no one would think bad.
I would have done anything for you if you would only have loved me even a little bit.
I miss you dad. I miss my mom.
Mostly though, I miss my childhood.