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#201644 - 01/26/08 10:50 PM looking for a fight with fiancee
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
i cam home tonight in a real bad mood after working all day with my uncle.It does not take much to set me off,emotionally,so i brought home a keyboard for the computer and she was in no way excited and made a comment "why did you bring it home we dont need one" ....thats all it took (this was about 4 hours ago and we've said very few words since)i then got real fuckin irritated and then i had to sit and stew over how i'd pick a fight in any way with her possible.

She didn't take the bait for a second nor did she even say anything,what little she did say however,enough to piss me off even more to sabotage our life together wasn't worth it or enough to cause more anger.

My therapist tells me i have the typical "trauma repsonse" where i go from her making an innocent comment about a keyboard we didnt need right to her testing my patience therefore pick a fight.

Whats this all about i know she does not deserve this yet i still look for a way to lash out on her...am i making any sense,am i justified in feeling disaapointed or am i making this bigger then it is...although feeling the way i did (still do) it changes nothing asfar as also feeling rejected.

I'm pretty tired all the time after i work with my uncle and although the money is good (i'm on disability from the military and social security disablity) lisa believe i am on disability because im in no shape to work and when i do it takes alot out of me and i am a fuckin bear( she tells me this all the time)....anyway i need some perspective...otherwise i'll keep acting like the little boy who felt disappointed and cant let it go....a simple comment can set me off therefore anyone in my life (the ones i love the most lisa especially) pays the price for my childishness....


Coop



Edited by thecoopstah (01/26/08 10:53 PM)
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#201741 - 01/27/08 12:50 PM Re: looking for a fight with fiancee [Re: thecoopstah]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Hey Coop,

Did your parents argue a lot when you were younger? Mine did. In fact they divorced each other twice. So, what I mostly saw were heated arguments and not actual discussions.

I think we tend to look at the motive or reasoning to our girlfriend's questions and not the question itself. I even think we listen to 'how' it is said and the tone used. I also think the tape that is stuck in our mind plays itself in times like these and clouds the situation for us. I bet that if you had simply answered the question (because you may have had a legitimate reason for bringing it home), this whole incident most likely would not have happened.

She was looking at the situation logically while it seems you were looking at it emotionally.

Anyway, I could go on forever here but it is my day off and I am actually looking forward to going outside on a rainy day. I'd like to discuss this more because I am in a cohabitation situation with my girlfriend as well.

Talk to you soon,



John


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#201744 - 01/27/08 01:01 PM Re: looking for a fight with fiancee [Re: Rambler]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Coop;

My GF does lives with me so I can relate to you and John. And as far as my parents go, what I remember is constant argueing and silence. Sometimes they would not talk for days on end. I think because of this I am a real loner and when I do get pissed, I let the entire world know just how I feal.

I always feel that what I say or do at my own house means little or nothing to Linda. She loves to poke and prod and I get pissed and then stop talking.

I do hear you, I tend not to think about her thoughts and feelings. I know she really does love me, but she just doesn't get it. She keeps telling me that I just need to get over my SA and move on. Yea, right. Just how do I do that?

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#201942 - 01/28/08 01:12 AM Re: looking for a fight with fiancee [Re: thecoopstah]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: thecoopstah

My therapist tells me i have the typical "trauma repsonse" where i go from her making an innocent comment about a keyboard we didnt need right to her testing my patience therefore pick a fight.


Hmmm... I want to tell you about my experience with something like this that's played out over the last two years in therapy. My partner and I have been together 16 yrs--long time. We got into a pattern where basically my trauma response and his trauma response triggered each other. Mine causes his which increases mine which increases his which further increases mine... It gets completely overwhelming quickly. Fight, flight or shutdown. Or visaversa. His causes mine... We could never stop it for several years--long story.

My trauma is a wierd thing. Part of whats wierd is how it's so unconscious and automatic. I can't stop it, or used to even know it's happening. I had surgery recently, and when I was about to go under, I tried to remember, to feel the anesthetic taking effect. Missed it. Suddenly woke up in recovery. It's almost like that.

Over the last couple years I've learned to feel and notice lots of things in myself so that I can feel the trauma response coming on. It's as if for a whole year, I kept studying and learning about what happens in that 3 to 5 seconds where I loose it. I can now do things to break the cycle if I act quickly. So actually, it's not happened much at all for a number of months.

When you "get real fuckin irritated, sit and stew", top priority, stop, try things to calm down out of the trauma response. You're on automatic (not voluntary) in trauma. Take a 1/2 - 1 hour walk someplace really soothing, safe, quiet. Exercise hard--it expresses the fight response, lets it out. Get away from the situation a while. Can't really say what would work for you. It took me months to have a little success with it, quite a lot in a year.

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