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#201851 - 01/27/08 08:10 PM New Name, New Avatar, A little about me.
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Howdy. I recently decided to change my name, as it was based on how I was feeling when I got here, and I've made some progress on things. So, after asking for some input, I decided to just go with my name. I thought about various other choices, but I figured I should just be myself.

I also thought about posting an avatar like so many others did. Initially my feelings were that I really hated all those old pictures of me, that I was just an ugly shit and didn't want anyone to see me. But after some time here, I realized those feelings come from my abuse. So, I decided to find a pic of me from before I can remember ever being hurt. I hope this was early enough, I truly do, but unfortunately, I'm really not sure. Freaky ain't it. Anyway, I found a pic of me from Kindergarten, as I believe my abuse started sometime around the age of 6 or 7.

The abuse I remember, started at the hands of 2 brothers and their sister. All pretty close to my age. Until recently, I never even considered the idea that it was abuse. When that reality set it.... well it crushed me. Literally. Confidence was shot, sat at my desk shivering despite the fact that I wasn't cold, meetings at work were hell, as I couldn't get far enough away from people, and then just this past week, during a lunch discussion my boss touched my arm. Wasn't anything to it, he was just telling a story, but it kicked my ass and I found myself spending the next 45 minutes to an hour just trying to get control of myself so that I could actually function in my job. That abuse at the hands of those individuals continued until they moved, sometime around the age of 11 or 12.

The next abuse I remember was at the hands of an older girl. I was 8, she was 12 or 13. That one I had completely forgotten about until a few years ago. I kept having this memory pop into my head, and usually I would just push it away, and didn't think about it much. Then one day, for some reason I stopped what I was doing and asked myself why that particular memory was popping up. I focused on it, and found myself smacked hard with what felt like a baseball bat. I was at my desk at work at the time, and it took every once of strength that I had to not break down right there, as everyone in the whole office would have heard. I don't think I got anything done the rest of the day, but I guess no one noticed. Once I got in my car though, I lost it, agonized pain that ran so deep through me I can't even begin to describe it. I seriously don't remember the drive home. Nothing, but as I'm here today, I guess I made it.

Now I've started having other memories, which are scaring me a bit, but I want to know what's there, not only so I can deal with them, but so that if there is someone, some adult in those memories, I can try to make sure they aren't still running free out there. I have my reasons for believing there is an adult hiding beyond those memories, but I guess we'll see what happens.

I start therapy on the 5th. I'm actually excited about it. I want to heal as much as is possible, I want the anxiety I deal with at work everyday now to go away.


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#201859 - 01/27/08 08:55 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: JustScott]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
JustScott,

Glad to hear that you're making progress and the name change is deemed necessary. When I first arrived at the boards, I was known as "Brill" which was a name that celebrated hiding away from society and after a short time here, I felt the need to shed that secrecy and silence and changed to what everyone knows me as now, Frost.

So, I know how you feel and glad to see that you are making progress in your healing journey. Good luck with starting Therapy. It has played an essential part in my recovery and I know your recovery will have many facets as well.

You ARE important and some day will no longer feel shattered!

All the best,
~Brian


_________________________
Boom!

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#201861 - 01/27/08 08:58 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: frost]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
One more thing. AWESOME avatar!

He didn't deserve what happened to him. None of us did.

~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#201870 - 01/27/08 09:14 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. *DELETED* [Re: frost]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#201874 - 01/27/08 09:24 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: awakening]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi Scott, and welcome aboard.

Wow, your recent issues sound rough, but if you're looking for help in trying to resolve any of them or how to deal with them or your past, this place can be of great help.

How long did it take you to decide to sign up?

I came here, read just a few posts, and I was ready to jump right in and try to start making sense out of mess called my life.


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#201883 - 01/27/08 09:59 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: Hauser]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Welcome Scott,

Glad you found MS. I've only been here 5 months or so, but it definitely nice to talk to others that know what I am talking about and how I feel sometimes.

Hope you too will be able to work on getting your life in some sort of order and heal.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#201885 - 01/27/08 10:00 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: KENKEN]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Welcome, Scott! Pull up a chair! There's coffee over there, or hot coco if you like! Have a cup! \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#201890 - 01/27/08 10:12 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: Hauser]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Hi Scott,

I too went with my name - I guess I just felt at the time that if I did'nt use my name that I would talk about it like as if it had happened to someone else - and to put it in my name makes it visual to me that it really is "me"

I really like the Avatar - I know it's sometimes hard to look at that kid we once were - but I really hope that as time goes on you will come to really love that little boy in that picture

Wishing you the very best in therapy...

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#201905 - 01/27/08 10:50 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: TJ jeff]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11178
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi Scott.

Good to have you with us!

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#201906 - 01/27/08 10:51 PM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: Hauser]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Actually, when I found this place I signed right up. I was so damn excited. I'd been looking for help for a long long time, and when I found a place that actually seemed to have what I needed... I was all in.

I initially signed up with a login of BrokeNShattered and my display name was NoOneImportant. I had maybe 30 posts or so. Talked to a bunch of people in the chat room etc. That was all about 3 or 3 1/2 weeks ago.

Yeah, some of the issues are hurting me bad. I'm a corporate trainer and in the past have had no issues with being in front of people at all, I've even been in front of around 800 people at one time. Now, I'm nervous and full of anxiety just at the thought of having to be in front of a few people. This past week I suddenly found I had to give an impromptu training session as the one that was planned was full and there were still people showing up, so they setup a 2nd room.... Damn I wasn't ready for that. I got through it, but it was rough. I did take note of the fact that the only person who has made any sort of contact with me that really set me off was an authority figure in my life. I don't like it when others have touched me, but it didn't send me reeling toward a full blown anxiety attack. Makes me wonder if there is an authority figure still hiding somewhere in lost memories.


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#201923 - 01/28/08 12:11 AM Re: New Name, New Avatar, A little about me. [Re: JustScott]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Welcome Scott! Sorry you need this place....but we are here.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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