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#201647 - 01/26/08 10:55 PM looking for a fight w/ fiancee
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
i cam home tonight in a real bad mood after working all day with my uncle.It does not take much to set me off,emotionally,so i brought home a keyboard for the computer and she was in no way excited and made a comment "why did you bring it home we dont need one" ....thats all it took (this was about 4 hours ago and we've said very few words since)i then got real fuckin irritated and then i had to sit and stew over how i'd pick a fight in any way with her possible.

She didn't take the bait for a second nor did she even say anything,what little she did say however,enough to piss me off even more to sabotage our life together wasn't worth it or enough to cause more anger.

My therapist tells me i have the typical "trauma repsonse" where i go from her making an innocent comment about a keyboard we didnt need right to her testing my patience therefore pick a fight.

Whats this all about i know she does not deserve this yet i still look for a way to lash out on her...am i making any sense,am i justified in feeling disaapointed or am i making this bigger then it is...although feeling the way i did (still do) it changes nothing asfar as also feeling rejected.

I'm pretty tired all the time after i work with my uncle and although the money is good (i'm on disability from the military and social security disablity) lisa believe i am on disability because im in no shape to work and when i do it takes alot out of me and i am a fuckin bear( she tells me this all the time)....anyway i need some perspective...otherwise i'll keep acting like the little boy who felt disappointed and cant let it go....a simple comment can set me off therefore anyone in my life (the ones i love the most lisa especially) pays the price for my childishness....


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#201976 - 01/28/08 06:55 AM Re: looking for a fight w/ fiancee [Re: thecoopstah]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Coop:

I grew up in a situation where anger was a tool to keep everyone at bay. My father did this all the time, not only to my mother, but to us kids as well. I never took the time to consider the big question as to why this was, it just was. Did he fear intimacy? Was he afraid that by becoming close to anyone of us that he would be hurt? I'm not sure of the why, I just know what was.

Fast forward to my father as an 84 year old man. Although my siblings and my mother still support him even though it is often a challenge, none of us can really say we are emotionally attached to him. The harsh truth of the situation is he is a lonely old man who still continues to use his anger to keep everyone at a distance. He has kept himself safe by doing this but he has also kept himself very much isolated and free from experiencing love.

I look in the mirror sometimes and in being raised in this manner I worry about the pattern. There is a lot at this point in life that I could be angry about, that I could construct my very own wall to keep everyone far away from me. We all have that choice, we all must take ownership of why we are the way we are. All I know Coop is that I never want to awaken in my father's shoes. I want a relationship with my kids, husband and someday my grandchildren...it is through such experiences that we find a better understanding of the genuine spirit within ourselves.

I see a good heart within you in the feelings you have expressed about Lisa. If I could make a wish for you it would be for you to find a way through this challenge and to feel confidence in letting the wall down that is protecting your heart.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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