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#201437 - 01/26/08 12:59 AM Still confused.
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I've been reading a lot of posts today to help get my mind off of my feelings of depression which have been getting pretty intense. But I can't seem to do it without a lot of my own still unresolved issues getting in my face.
A big one for me is my sexual orientation. I am a bisexual and when i am with men i prefer anal sex, though whether i prefer top or bottom depends on who i'm with and how i feel at the time.

I don't want to trigger myself too much here, but i have CSA and was also raped again four years ago. Though i strongly suspect that as a kid i was probably made to do oral, i have no real memories of it...just a gut feeling that it happened. The only memories of CSA that are clear enough to even call memories are of being anally raped.

Yet somehow today i still enjoy being (sorry, the only word i know to use here is the f one) f* anally. Not that it doesn't sometimes come with triggers, it does, yet not enough to turn me off of it.
As hard as this is for me to understand, I automatically expect this to be nearly impossible for most other people to understand, especially if they are straight.

I generally prefer people i don't know well and trust not to know about my abuse or my sexual orientation, but if they have to know something, i strongly prefer them to only know about one or the other....not both. I'm afraid of what conclusions they will draw...that i wanted the abuse, or even that i made the abuse up, or maybe that it was the abuse that made me think i'm bisexual. I really don't know what most people would think.

I do know that when i was being raped as a kid i did sometimes feel pleasure and that that was one of the hardest parts of it all...not understanding and feeling like i must be even sicker than my abuser. After i got raped four years ago it was a long time before i could enjoy anal sex again, first because of damage to my anus but also because of the trigger factor.

One of the first times i tried it again i really freaked a guy out because i started crying uncontrollably while he was f*ing me.
Yet somehow i have got to where i enjoy it again.

This is really hard to talk about. It's so confusing.

To admit that i like to get f*ed in the bum still makes me feel like somehow the nightmares I have been through with being anally raped are invalid---like all that pain and anguish from it could not be experienced by someone who is also capable of enjoying being f*ed in the bum. Even though i understand it, the fact that i can't expect most other people to understand it is still a source of incredible shame and embarrassment.

I know that it is a completely different kind of pleasure than i feel being the top. It's a kind of masochistic pleasure that turns intense physical discomfort into pleasure, and most straight people can't begin to understand. I think that i would most likely be just as i am in that way whether i was ever assaulted or not, but it was the CSA that made me aware of it. Too aware. I believe the main reason that for years i repressed the memories of CSA was because i couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that i could somehow find pleasure in that sea of suffering.

Now all this is down in writing and i really am having a hard time with that submit button.

Alright....here i go....1....2....3

Sh*t! I pressed the f*ing button..now i want to undo it!
How can i get over this shame?!



Edited by blueshift (01/26/08 01:07 AM)
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#201440 - 01/26/08 01:31 AM Re: Still confused. [Re: blueshift]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Blue, I understand completely. During a couple of my rapes I had orgasms without even anyone or I touching my P. I was so freaked out. One guy said see I told you you would like it. And I did. God help me it did feel good. That did not happen the other times and sometimes it hurt so bad ...well never mind. But I never forgot and I always felt shame because I liked it that time. Don't get me wrong I never got penetrated that much. At least I don't think so. I just never can forget him saying that and laughing. I felt like crap. That momory still haunts me and I think it was another reason I believed I was gay at that time.

Roger


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#201449 - 01/26/08 03:03 AM Re: Still confused. [Re: Freedom49]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Yeah, in a way, that's the biggest mind f* of all. I think the something similar was said to me when my first perp saw that i had an erection.

That was by far the hardest post i've ever posted. I still have to fight the urge to go back and delete it. Every time i talk about liking being on the receiving end of anal sex, i feel almost like i'm asking to get raped again.

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#201496 - 01/26/08 10:53 AM Re: Still confused. [Re: blueshift]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Blue;

I'm proud of you for actually hitting that submit button; and for NOT going back and deleting your post later. That takes a lot of guts to put your feelings out there like that, knowing that some people will think poorly of you. But we know better, don't we, and we don't really care about THOSE people...

Just because you like being a bottom does not mean you like being raped. My childhood abuse included anal penetration, and technically speaking it classifies as rape, but I never considered it rape. I liked it, I participated with enthusiasm. So it's no surprise that I like it as an adult, and I don't consider it rape now either.

HOWEVER, hen I was 25 or so I WAS forcibly raped by four guys who carjacked me. They also stabbed me and left me for dead in an industrial park. I guess what is amazing is that after all that, I still enjoy anal sex. Oh, it took awhile to get over the memories and the triggers, but I did.

The point is that rape is not sex. Sexual abuse is not about sex. It is possible (and hopeful) that survivors of rape and abuse can go on to enjoy healthy sexual relationships later in life. I know the abuse makes up hyper-analytical of every little nuance, and that can actually be counterproductive. When I'm making love and my lover says somethink like "Yeah, I knew you'd like that..." is not a trigger anymore, but it used to be. Enjoying sex is the whole idea, right?

So thank you for your post, Blue. It's interesting to hear your feelings about sex and about your recovery from your abuse.

Lazarus

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#201499 - 01/26/08 10:59 AM Re: Still confused. [Re: Lazarus]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
sex is designed to feel good. straight sex gay sex. whatever. our bodies are created to get pleasure from it. our minds can't control that pleasure. so if you know you "shouldn't enjoy it" you can't turn off the sensories in your body. go with the flow.


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#201551 - 01/26/08 02:06 PM Re: Still confused. [Re: Lazarus]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Thanx for sharing that Laz. It's good to know that i'm not the only one who still manages to enjoy it after a horrible experience. I got raped at gunpoint with a foot long flashlight four years ago and part of me felt like i must be the only guy on the planet who could go through an experience that horrible and then still come back to liking being penetrated again.
I don't feel so unique anymore (and that's a good thing! \:\)

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#201554 - 01/26/08 02:30 PM Re: Still confused. [Re: Jarrad]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Right you are, Jarrad. As much as anal penetration can be used to inflict suffering and humiliation, it can also be an enjoyable form of intimate contact between two people and that's the difference. Still, most people who have not experienced any of what we have usually have a lot of notions about it that come out of ignorance, and it's hard not to let that turn things like what i have shared here into what feels like a shameful secret.

When I got raped four years ago, i was living with a friend who is no longer my friend because just a couple weeks before it happened i came out to him about my sexuality. His reaction, though overtly accepting was still kind of in the eew! catagory. Then when i got raped, he at first didn't believe, then when he did, he somehow drew the conclusion that i brought it upon myself somehow.

Well, i think he was an idiot for thinking that, but at the same time, so many people have that level of ignorance. That's what makes it so hard for people like me to accept ourselves and what happened to us.

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#201573 - 01/26/08 04:02 PM Re: Still confused. [Re: blueshift]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi blueshift, a good book to read on rape is "Recovery, how to survive sexual assault for women, men, teenagers, and their friends and families, by Helen Benedict. I am sure a book about just male rape would go into it in more detail. But as this book covers more than one type, it gave me a out, in case any one asked me why I was reading it. it covers a lot of the myths about rape.

Take care,
Clifford

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Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#201598 - 01/26/08 06:27 PM Re: Still confused. [Re: lostcowboy]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Not to discount your suggestion--i may look into it, but it occurred to me that, though you may have got some helpful insights from it, you pointed out that it's open-ended title allowed you to conceal from others that you yourself are a survivor.

It seems to me like no matter how much we can free our own minds from the shame producing myths about rape, unless we can get the rest of the world to read the same books, we still live, in a way, as fugitives of other peoples misunderstanding. If i was running the world i would design a social issues class that would be required in every high school that would cover rape and CSA as well as racism, sexism, classism, and all forms of oppression in society.

Such an addition to education would prevent so much unnecessary suffering. The problem is that so many people not only believe the myths, they also want to suppress anything that poses a threat to them.

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#201625 - 01/26/08 08:35 PM Re: Still confused. [Re: blueshift]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Well said, Blueshift! Not to disrespect any of the other opinions expressed here, freeing our own minds from the opressive is only part of the equation. We live in a society, and thus are subject to social pressures that, try as we might, we can't escape. Thank you for pointing that out. It's not as easy as accepting myself for who I am, it would be nice to know that others accept me as well. That's the hard part for most of us.

If you ever decide to run for the King of the World position, you will have my vote.

In friendship,

Lazarus

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#201654 - 01/26/08 11:22 PM Re: Still confused. [Re: Lazarus]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Gee, thanks! I'm way too lazy though.

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