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#201338 - 01/25/08 03:06 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: Lazarus]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
I respect your choice, Bewlayb, though I am still concerned.

If you're going to go ahead with this relationship, you can work towards making it fit your needs.

What would he say if you told him:

  • I don't want to go out with you tonight. It's important to me to stay here and write. How about Thursday?
  • I need you to listen to what I've been dealing with as much as I listen to your issues. I need you to sit down now and listen to me.
  • Do not make fun of me. Ever.
  • I'm overwhelmed as it is, and I'm nowhere near ready to move in with you.
  • I'm here for you, but I can't solve any of your problems.
  • You're not the star of the show, and I'm not the audience. We're in this together.


Would he be able to hear those needs, however you would express them, and change the pattern of this relationship? If so, maybe you could work together. But if you're not happy with it, this early in the game (and I still pick up from your original message that you're not), it's probably not going to get better by itself.

Take care!


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#201360 - 01/25/08 05:48 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: Bewlayb1]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Bewlayb1,

I'll add another suggestion to the good feedback you're already hearing. There's a whole bunch of signs of an alcoholic/addicted style of relationship here. You don't have to drink to have it. It's powerful stuff and I've been there. You can learn about this for free at Al-anon groups and their literature, meet people to talk to about stuff that care and understand and get helpful advice. Heard of it? It's not a religion, and most people have given me a ton of freedom to adapt it to my beliefs, life and needs.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#201421 - 01/25/08 11:16 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: LandOfShadow]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I totally agree with MV. I understand about wanting to be with someone who has been through the shadowland like you have, i tend to feel the same way. I tend to feel nothing for people who are all normal, well adjusted, have all their sh* together and treat people who have issues like lepers. But I think MV is right. Being with someone who has "been there" will do nothing for you if this person still treats you selfishly and/or disrespectfully. If he says he is sorry, being sorry is only part of what you should expect from him. The other part is actually changing the behavior. If he keeps on hurting you, he isn't sorry for hurting you, he's just sorry about you being mad at him.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#201784 - 01/27/08 04:18 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: blueshift]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks for those responses, MV, LoS and BlShft. You all make good points. I have to love SO MUCH, and so does he. It's too intense sometimes. We are addictive, wounded and possessive people. I honestly don't know if it will work. But I'm not ready to give up, and you were all pretty sensitive to that.

I don't mean to create animosity, but Lazurus' response was typically blunt and judgemental. I am as needy as he is. That comes as no great shock. For years, I cried and held myself and dreamed of someone loving me. I created bizarre fantasies in my mind, since I was unable to carry on a conversation, of strangers seducing me, of running into one on the street, or in bathroom, and of him virtually raping me. I was so alone. Life was such a nightmare. I look to love to make me whole, and I can't stop. I can't stop wanting to help someone who is suffering, partly because no one helped me.

Is saving someone love? Maybe I'm so screwed up in my head, it's the only way I can love. It's the only thing that feels like love. It's not just from the abuse. My parents were depressed, unfulfilled people who were too emotionally dependent on their children. But, can I undo that? I've gone through many changes, and I've gotten a feel for what I cannot change.

A line comes to mind from a poem I wrote at nineteen, seven years ago, when I had almost no experience with men. "If I'm to touch again, it must be to heal." It is a line that is both noble and disturbing. I'm aware of that. Don't you think that I would stop repeating it if I could?

To suggest that, since he has issues as painful as mine, there's no way he can love is offensive and ridiculous. Does that mean that only perfect people can love? Well, then why don't we all just throw in the towel at this website. Then, you're the one who sounds like you think you don't deserve love. He doesn't make me do his laundry. If he only wanted a roommate he could put an ad in the paper. I'm a smart person. I see him clearly. Don't pretend that you know him.

It's apparent that I have mixed feelings. Or more accurately, I go through extremes. I love him so much. He's so mean to me. No, I don't know where this is heading. But I realize I won't listen to anyone. We'll see. Can't end it yet.


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#201789 - 01/27/08 04:45 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: Bewlayb1]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Bewlab,

No animosity, no hard feeling; from my end anyway, I certainly hope I didn't bruise you with my usual, judgemental response. I felt someone had to say it. You are absolutely free to disregard it; it's only one man's opinion.

I wish you the best of luck, love and life!

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#201921 - 01/27/08 11:44 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: Lazarus]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Bewlab,
Likewise, no animosity or hard feelings. I think relationships can teach you a lot about yourself, but I think you need outside perspectives. Abused people repeat patterns in their relationships. Like "the drauma triangle" : playing various roles as abuser, rescuer and victim.

Couples counciling with my boyfriend/partner taught us both a lot of good stuff.

Be well, be good and kind to each other.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#202036 - 01/28/08 12:07 PM Re: Seeking Love Guidance [Re: LandOfShadow]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Bewlab, I'm really glad that you brought this issue here.

It would surprise me if I were to find out that there are people in this community (malesurvivor.org) who did not have at least one emotionally chaotic relationship, at least once they decided to try to maintain a healthy one.

Sometimes I think that people like us (survivors) are destined to go through those sort of codependent and highly volatile relationships, almost as if fate would have it that way. I also can't help but wonder if that's where all the heartfelt alerts and warnings are coming from in this thread (and they are truly heartfelt). We remember feeling responsible for how crazy the relationship was, and since we thought we were "just not doing something right", we kept trying to identify what we needed to change within ourselves to make it work.

A part of me believes that we are subconsciously seeking them out because we are like a pressure cooker of painful emotions, and we need someone similar to that to take it out on, and it's fair because they will take theirs out on us too.

Assuming this is true, trying to put a stop to the development of this relationship would likely leave you looking for it somewhere else. I believe that there is something that you can learn from this relationship, and unfortunately I can't know what that may be. The good news is, since this is your relationship and yours only, no one can ever tell you that you're wrong. The relationship is yours to have.

This may not be the case for you Bewlayb, so I certainly apologize if this is off track. I hope that something I or another one of the fellas here has said something to bring a bit of clarity to your situation.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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