I eventually realized there wasn't a thing I could do to control his behavior. Monitoring what he does, being suspicious, checking up--that might have made me feel as though I were being effective, but there would never be a way of knowing for sure whether he did, or didn't, do this activity.
So, again, I was back to the baseline: I only have control over what I do. Including my response to what he does, certainly, but not only or even mostly that. See, once I also realized that I was getting sucked into his drama and his issues, it became clear to me that I was doing that instead of dealing with my own. And there's always plenty that I need to tend to in that regard!
I think I've made it clear how much I don't like it that he does these things. I haven't said about any of them that they're make-or-break issues; they're not, for me. (I'm not sure if anything would be--hope I don't need to decide. I think if I found out that he was doing something that he had explicitly denied, it would be a very serious matter. I can't rule that out.) But having said that it's up to him, not me, to decide how he is going to live his life is really liberating for both of us.
Ultimately, it's about wanting to be in control--again, for both of us. Whatever each of us can do to increase our feelings of agency and self-direction, the calmer and less compulsive our behavior gets.
Honey girl, I have come back and re-read your post quite a few times since you wrote it and it really has helped me.
YOur right, I can keep checking up and watching things till I am blue in the face and it isn't going to really change a damn thing except upset me more. For the first time in almost 2 months since this all started I finally feel that I don't HAVE to be constantly checking things. There is a part of me that still wants to but now there is a bigger part this is taking control and saying just leave it alone. I don't know how long that will last but I am going to do my best even if it means I have to come back and read your post everyday to remind me.