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#201474 - 01/26/08 08:48 AM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: sweet-n-sour]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Thank you so much Sweet-n-Sour. Yes, we just started therapy a couple of weeks ago, so like I said, it's hard because everything is so new and feelings are so raw right now. Everyday seems to get a little easier for me and I am trying really hard not to let those worries keep festering........still easier said then done.

Even though I don't post much here yet, just coming here and reading through the different posts by other family members and from survivor's themselves has really helped me alot in understanding things.


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#201520 - 01/26/08 11:46 AM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: LittleMissL]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Quote:
He and I are BOTH victims of what that man did to him. While he is the direct victim of what was done, I am an indirect victim. While the SA was not inflicted directly on me, I am still a victim of the fallout and repurcussions of what he did to my husband.


this statement sure does ring true - my wife can attest to that also

abuse effects not just the person that it happens to - it effects all who are around that person - and that is why F&F is such a good forum - we all need support sometimes...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#201535 - 01/26/08 12:25 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: TJ jeff]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Wow!!!
Sometimes I really hit a nerve with a post or two here. My original post was really just so raw, full of emotion and definately not fluffed up to read pretty. I was in need and felt alone. Like I stated I must have hit a nerve with the rest of you which not only made me feel less alone, but with each person's response/post felt calmed, centered and definately felt stronger in my commitment to myself in staying strong and holding my own. We ALL need to do this for US!

Lou told me earlier in a post to do something for me this weekend, you got it girl! "Peanut butter shake" what can I say I"m a simple girl.

What are "YOU" going to do for yourself Friends? Group HUG!

Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#201538 - 01/26/08 12:47 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: TJ jeff]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Little Miss L,

You are absolutely right, CSA has affected every aspect of our men's lives and those surrounding them in some way or another...some may be minute and some may be in such magnitude that the damage may take years or possibly not ever be repaired.

I recall a few months back when all of this first came to the forefront as to how angry I was, how emotional all of this was for me. I literally exploded one weekend calling his brother the perpetrator everything I could think of calling him in my frustration because he has definitely screwed up my once very good life with my BF. Well, my anger was turned on me and my BF was mad at me for calling his brother names. As he said, in spite of the abuse, he is still his brother and he still loves him. So, I have learned to keep my mouth shut on this subject but as I believe I read someone post on MS before, I would still like to have just have 5 minutes alone with his brother in a dark alley!

My BF and I talked the other night after I had another melt down and as I told him, I am still not sure that I am going to be able to stay living here or if I need to move back to my condo where I lived before I met him. I am trying oh so hard to understand all of this, but sometimes it is just all so over whelming. It consumes so much of our lives now that used to be filled with fun and laughter. We used to love to plan our weekends and the next trip, and now it seems our lives are occupied with MS and talking about CSA. Even going out for our usual Friday night dinner last night, it seems we don't know what to say to each other anymore unless it is dealing with CSA.

Please don't think that I am putting all this blame on my BF for all of this as I too am just as much to blame. But it does go to show me how much CSA does affect everyone, not just the one who was abused. And what is really sad is that his brother doesn't even know or have a clue as to how much power he still has over 2 lives that live 1500 miles from him!!!!!!

I too though have started to try to focus more on me and my happiness and what is good for me. As my BF said the other night, if I decide to move out, I can leave, but for him, he will never be able to move away from it. And for that, I feel so truly sorry for him because he is a good man and he did not deserve any of this. He thought he had found the love of his life and I thought that I had found the love of mine, and now because someone 50 years ago felt that it was okay to hurt a small precious innocent little boy for their own satisfaction, our lives are forever changed!

Hang in there, you are not alone....


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#201542 - 01/26/08 01:33 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Thought I would add my perspective to problems of friends and family dealing with this in their spouse/sig.other.

It is hard when the pain seems to never end. You go along doing ok at work and some one says something or something else tirggers a memory, feeling. and you want to crawl in a cupboard and cry you lil eyes out. Or you get angry for no reason it seems at whoever happens to be in the way. No one understands that not even you at the time and it seems to go on for years.

Our partners/wives understand it even less. They fell in love with what they thought was a wonderful man who may have a few quirks/issues but still a strong handsome guy that can be a great supportive campanion/lover only to find he is broken inside and they now have to be the strong one. It is a kind of cosmic betrayal as they see it and I can't argue with that.

To us it is just another persone we feel we have hurt and the guilt piles on and on and on. I won't even mention children here. That betrayal is for the kids another guilt/pain/betrayal altogether.

But if they really love us and they stick by us (for better/for worse as they say) and the work gets done and the brokenness comes together and humpty dumpty amazingly starts looking like a good egg again. Lots of cracks, glue, tape and bandaids but functional again, then we become closer more intimate and loving in the long run. Or at least we can. The key I think is to have a broad support net of friends and family that can catch us no matter which way we fall.

Just a thought.

Roger





Edited by Freedom49 (01/26/08 01:34 PM)

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#201562 - 01/26/08 03:01 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Freedom49]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
If I may ask another question?

We have been dealing with the CSA since June 2007. I'm wondering if there is anything I can do or say to spark a thought process of healing in my BF...

1. He does not want to be labeled at all. Right now he hates the thought of being a "survivor" he doesn't consider himself one, obviously.

2. When he can't talk to me (it's really not in his nature, but he's admitted that he's opened up more to me than anyone) for example about what hold the porn has over him and why he does it. I search here on MS for possible reasons. When I ask him if a specific post (I'll read to him) hits home, he's never connected to it 100%, leaving me out in the cold again. To come to my own conclusions.

(typing that last question makes me think that he's still in denial even though it's out in the open, isn't he?)

He was seeing a T but to tell you the truth he was awful BUT it was my bf's first step to getting help. I encouraged him even though I thought he was wrong, how wrong could he be if he was able to start the healing for my BF right? Our last visit together to the T was horrific...(I posted about it months ago) since that session my BF hasn't been back to the T, then came the holidays and after questioning him he told me he was going to hold off til after the holidays. Now it's the new year the pot hole we hit this week led me to ask if he was returning to the T. He exclaimed he was going to find someone new that he didn't think that his T was good. I was happy about this but I never let on, I think someone with a background in CSA is what he needs obviously. To date he has not begun the search for a new T. I myself see a T and I've asked her to produce a few T's names that deal with CSA for him...do you think this is a good move for me?

Is there anything we can do?




_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#201564 - 01/26/08 03:14 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Agape Girl]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Check the home page there are guide lines for picking a T. It needs to be a good one.
and yes he is in deinal big time


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#201605 - 01/26/08 06:58 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
1. He does not want to be labeled at all. Right now he hates the thought of being a "survivor" he doesn't consider himself one, obviously.

2. ....................... When I ask him if a specific post (I'll read to him) hits home, he's never connected to it 100%, leaving me out in the cold again. To come to my own conclusions.

(typing that last question makes me think that he's still in denial even though it's out in the open, isn't he?)

1. I live with that one every day. Iím thinking that admitting you are a survivor means that you have to admit that something happened to you that you couldnít control. My b/f waffles back and forth over this one because he sees himself as the big strong man he is, not as the little boy he was. Itís a fight I have no part of.

2. This one too. I donít give him posts anymore because my take on them is usually completely and I do mean completely different than his and it only serves to upset him tremendously.

and is he in denial - oh hell yeah, my b/f too, but itís the weirdest denial Iíve ever faced because at times the destruction and the sadness are right out front and other times they are deeply hidden, or so he thinks.

We spoke a little last night about the how he was doing. I brought it up because we hadnít talked about it for a while and just wanted to ďcheck in.Ē The conversation was difficult for him, as it usually is, but it was calm and productive and today we had a good day. This is basically what Iíve tried to do. I donít want to get into the super heavy stuff. Iíve learned so much here, and I desperately want to share that knowledge, but if I say something that even sounds like his T, then Iím talking like a therapist and he gets upset. Itís funny that we all act like each otherís therapists on the board, in the best possible way, but in a conversation with my b/f, I canít be that. I have to just be his girlfriend, his sounding board if he needs it, and his escape from the reality in his head. It has taken me so long to get to this point and Iím sure that I still do and say the wrong things sometimes, but there is so much to learn and then we need to learn how to make what we know work in real life. Itís a bitch.

So..........for those of you dealing with this for a long time, you know exactly what Iím saying. For those of you who are relatively new to this, youíll figure out your place, I promise. Youíll stumble around, think you have a handle on it and then have a melt down, but you WILL stand up again and get it together. At the moment, I think I have a handle on it, and my own self confidence has bucked up enough so that a melt down isnít imminent, but it is inevitable. I donít look forward to it, but..................

Lou, itís really hard not to let the csa take a front seat to everything else, especially when the information is so new to you. If youíre b/f broke his leg, thatís what you would concentrate on until it was all better; itís natural to feel that way. Whatís un-natural is NOT focusing on it until itís all better, but itís exactly what we as partners have to do. Thereís a lot of stumbling around and making mistakes and having melt downs, but if we stick with it we find our way.

Take your trip and enjoy it. Of course your b/f will be in your thoughts, just donít let it consume you.

This thread is really good. Thanks.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#201639 - 01/26/08 10:33 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Trish4850]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Thanks Trish, I plan on doing exactly that. I really need to pass this class and can't afford to let all of this get me down or mess up my chance of passing it. My BF says that I will probably be suffering from withdrawal from MS while I am gone this week, but in actuality, I am really looking forward to not being near a computer for the week. Maybe if I can do it for this week, I will not be so consumed when I get home with all of this stuff.

I hope all of you have a wonderful week and thanks for this post, I have gotten a lot out of it.

Lou


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#201686 - 01/27/08 02:17 AM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Lou]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
First off, I really want to say thank you to Agape for starting this discussion. I think we all have gotten a lot out of it. I know I have!

Lou, go and have a great time. Sometimes taking that mental break and stepping away from everything really helps put things into perspective.



"Quote from Trish" "So..........for those of you dealing with this for a long time, you know exactly what Iím saying. For those of you who are relatively new to this, youíll figure out your place, I promise. Youíll stumble around, think you have a handle on it and then have a melt down, but you WILL stand up again and get it together. At the moment, I think I have a handle on it, and my own self confidence has bucked up enough so that a melt down isnít imminent, but it is inevitable. I donít look forward to it, but..................

Lou, itís really hard not to let the csa take a front seat to everything else, especially when the information is so new to you. If youíre b/f broke his leg, thatís what you would concentrate on until it was all better; itís natural to feel that way. Whatís un-natural is NOT focusing on it until itís all better, but itís exactly what we as partners have to do. Thereís a lot of stumbling around and making mistakes and having melt downs, but if we stick with it we find our way. "

Trish, wow, just wow. You manage to hit everything right on the mark. I really hate those damn meltdowns too.....


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