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#201146 - 01/24/08 02:48 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Agape Girl]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank you for that message I was afraid of being too blunt.

I hope it all works out for you and your partner.

It is such a difficult situation.

Best,

~Raul

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#201147 - 01/24/08 02:59 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: rcm]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Raul;

Never be but "HONEST" with me....I value that so.

agape!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#201196 - 01/24/08 08:08 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Agape Girl]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Kelly, I am SO thankful for this post. After reading the posts last night and doing my own post on this subject it was a night from hell for me and my BF.

I just seemed to be in this fit of rage. I SO hate myself when I get like that.....I have tried to be so patient and so understanding and supportive with all of this and it just seems I lost it....not much sleep....terrible night and I am fighting a very bad cold on top of it.

Well, after lying awake most of the night thinking about what had transpired the night before and I have to admit...most of it due to my own ill behavior I began to realize how much your original post really struck and pulled at my heart strings.

You see, I am getting ready to leave on Sunday for a week long class back east and I am absolutely SCARED TO DEATH!!!!!!! In June of last year, I was gone for a week to a similar class for work in Las Vegas and it was not long after that I learned that my BF whom I had only been living with for 2 short months had met up with a guy off the internet while I was gone. Talk about TRIGGERS when I read your post. I truly almost began to hyper ventilate. And then the anger set in..why should I have to feel this way...I did not and have not done anything wrong. Why can't I go to a stupid class for my job and not have to worry about him and if he might do something while I am gone again? For crying out loud....I am 58 years old! Life should just not have to be this difficult at this age!

We talked a little about my fear and I even asked him point blank if he thought he was going to be able to avoid the porn and any hookups while I was gone....and I guess he was honest with me and said that he doesn't intend to do any of those things but that he could not promise. So....I guess at least he didn't lie and say that he definitely would not, but at the same time his response did not make me feel all warm and fuzzy either.

As far as I know, based on what he tells me, he has not done anymore porn and or hookups since I found out about the events of last June, but he always follows that remark with, but then how can I expect you to believe me when I lied to you in the first place? And I guess that is my point and I think it was also pointed out by Trish about lying about this stuff. Once you have been lied to it is only natural to doubt and wonder what else is being hidden from you. For me it totally equates to when I was a single mom raising my two kids alone and I always told them that if they ever lied to me, I would find it real hard to ever trust them again and that they would have to prove to me that I could trust them again and it would probably not be an easy thing to do.

For me, honesty HAS to be the best policy, I may not like what I hear, but when I hear the truth then I can at least choose to deal with it or not....it is the lies that I can not deal with that drives me crazy.

It is ok for us to concentrate on ourselves and not get lost in all of this nonsense. We didn't cause it and we can't fix it.

So, I am walking onto that plane on Sunday, facing my fears and doing what I need to do for me! And you know what, I think it is going to feel pretty darn good! I have been neglecting myself way too long over something that I have absolutely no control! When I look back at my life, I have survived so much and some things even much worse than all of this and with the help of the Lord whom I believe in and trust with all of my heart and soul, I survived!

Kelly, do something good for yourself this weekend, you so deserve it!

Best wishes,
Lou


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#201198 - 01/24/08 08:47 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Lou]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Lou:

I can so relate to the worry you must feel in leaving. I just wanted to share something that struck a nerve with me recently. I've been communicating by email recently with my childhood best friend. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother was extremely accomodating to him. About a week ago, I received a phone call from my best friend's mother about something unrelated but during the course of the phone call she said how she and her daughter were enjoying the afternoon together, that it was so rare that she got away without her husband.
Later my friend emailed me and said that her mom seldom goes anywhere out of fear that when she will return she will find her husband on a drunken binge. This all became very real to me in a HUGE way.
None of us can control what our men do...we can not spend the rest of our lives babysitting them. IF they wish to be in our lives then they need to take responsibility for their actions. The best thing any of us can do is draw a strong boundary, then follow through with what is best for ourselves.

They have ownership of this issue and if it hurts the relationship we share then they should not be doing it. It is their decision to seek help if it is too big to tackle alone or to continue on the path that they have chosen. The end result is that they must live with the consequences.

In giving them ownership of this issue, it gives us the freedom to move forward in a more positive direction.

Lou, I commend you for going and doing what you need to do for yourself.
Kelly, thanks to you for bringing this onto the board to be discussed.
Best wishes,
S-n-S



Edited by sweet-n-sour (01/24/08 09:02 PM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#201210 - 01/24/08 09:38 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
S-N-S,

Thank you for your kind and oh so true words. When you spoke of your best friend's mother, it so reminded me of what my mother used to go through during the years when my step dad was drinking so heavily. She took on SO much responsibility that he should have taken, such as, she could drive any piece of farm equipment as good as any man, plus she always worked at least one full time job and sometimes 2 and 3 to try to make ends meet.

I used to hate it....hated the drinking and how much he and the alcohol had so much control over everyone's lives in our family.

I remember vowing as a child that I would NEVER allow alchohol to become that big of a factor in my life and control me and thank God I have not let that happen. I was in a relationship for a very short time once and when it became apparent that he had a drinking problem, that was it for me and I was out of there.

The problem was, as my mother admitted years later is just what you said, she never gave him ownership of his issue. Instead being the true enabler that she was, she tried to rescue him again and again and again. It was only when she became very heavy into Al-Anon and Ala-Teen that through the 12 step program she was able to Let Go and Let God....and guess what? With lots of prayer and by the grace of God, my step dad gave up a life long addiction to alchohol and cigarettes as well. And oh my, was it ever so wonderful the last 25 years of his life to see what a changed, happy, wonderful man he truly was and I am so blessed to have had him in my life and in my mom's life as they had truly become soul mates at the time of his death and hers which followed only 4 short months later, I think she couldn't stand to be without him.

Now you see why I feel the need to always be in control of everything too.....and as much 12 step program as I have had, I should certainly know better.

Thank you Kelly for putting this post before me so that I can remember that it is me and me only that I have any control over. We all have to face the consequences of our behavior and at some point in our lives we have got to stand up as adults and take responsibility.

Just a short note, I have a book of Daily Affirmations, I turned to today's and this is what it said: My words today will be strong and powerful, I choose words that convey a sense of mastery, competence, and abiity: I can, I will, I am, I do.

I will avoid, I can't, it's impossible, no way, I'm not smart enough, I give up.

I can choose words of power to help create a new perspective on life, and a new perspective on myself.

That pretty much sums it up I think.

Thanks again for your post and for the replies....they softened my heart!

Lou


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#201213 - 01/24/08 09:56 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hi, everyone.
It's a tough one, this figuring out what matters most. Setting boundaries, limits, defining the line-that-must-not-be-crossed.
When I was dealing with this most intensely, I really struggled over it. I have no idea whether it will return as an issue--perhaps! But I hope that what I learned last time around will resurface in time to be of use.
Meanwhile, my short de>
_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#201217 - 01/24/08 10:24 PM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: honey girl]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hey everyone,

I am so sorry to hear so many are struggling with these issues. I just wanted to join in and say that it is hard for me to realize I have NO control either over what my H does, and he tends to go for the real people, not just porn.

I have never felt so powerless. I have constant dreams of my teeth falling out and of tornadoes, both of which my T tells me are high-anxiety dreams.

I think I have always had somewhat anxious tendencies anyway, so this on top of it is almost heart-attack mode for me.

I do believe the keys are realizing IT HAS NOTHING TO WITH US and how they can STILL LOVE US even if they're w/ someone else - gosh, how hard that one is. I guess addiction really is just that, just so powerful.

Question: Don't people ever get bored w/ porn or senseless sex? I mean, you'd think after consuming it so much for so long, its power would finally wear off. Or does it just escalate into things I don't even want to imagine? Like how far can it go? For a true addict, is it progressive as, say, a terminal illness would be, no matter what?

I remember Ted Bundy saying porn is what got him started on his path to depravity. (He started raping, then killing, women to get his highs).

I know we all hate to even think these things. My mind is such a nightmare at times. Sometimes the more I try to figure it all out, the worse my mind imagines.

My T recently said that her dad used to say, "Think long, think wrong; you can convince yourself of anything."

Guess I'm sort of rambling here but I wanted to chime in and say I know this is so hard. Esp. since no real woman can compete w/ touched-up pictures. But at least they're only one-dimensional and we're the real thing w/ many dimensions. I really find the only way to JUST DEAL is with what someone said earlier, COMPASSION AND DETACHMENT.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#201268 - 01/25/08 07:02 AM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Brokenhearted]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Brokenhearted,

I love your T's dad's quote: "Think long, think wrong, you can convince yourself of anything".

If you only think of the negative, only negative things will happen.....but the flip side of that is if you think positive, you can conquer anything!

It is amazing how powerful our minds are....sometimes I think we forget that we control our own destiny....we can either choose to deal with things and move on or sit in our misery forever and forever.

I am 58 years old and life is way to short for me to not move on! I can and I will do this!

Thanks again to all of you for the wonderful posts and comments, I appreciate such positive feedback from everyone and hope you all have just the best day of your life today!

Lou


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#201457 - 01/26/08 05:21 AM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: Lou]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
DAMN IT! I had this whole long post written out and then I hit something and lost the whole damn thing. I just want to bang my head against a wall now.

All of the posts here have been so helpful for me. First off, what the other wives and girlfriends wrote...it help so much knowing that so many of us are all going through the same hurt/pain and fustration and experiencing the same doubts and worries. I sometimes worry that there is something wrong with me but I am not alone with how I am feeling!!!!!! I hate the doubts and worrying about what he is doing and what he may be hiding....

To the survivors that posted, thank you for helping open a small window for me into what my husband is probably thinking and why he was doing what he was doing.

Unfortunatly we are at the very start of this long road and the pain of discovering things and being discovered is still very fresh and difficult to deal with. I want to talk about things and get things out in the open and deal with things, but he is still having a tough time with that.

I hate all of this!!!! I hate what that bastard did to my husband and the pain it has caused for both of us.

I got mad about something I found the other day and in the aftermath of dealing with that , I did have one thought that came to me. He and I are BOTH victims of what that man did to him. While he is the direct victim of what was done, I am an indirect victim. While the SA was not inflicted directly on me, I am still a victim of the fallout and repurcussions of what he did to my husband.

I am sorry if I am rambleing or my thought seem disjointed, I am at work and keep having to interrupt my train of thought, it is not always easy to pick it up again....so bear with me, ok?

I am always so confused and mixed up about how to deal with everything. AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited to remove somethings I said- The more I've thought about this thread, the more I feel I want my husband to read it. Some of you are so much more eloquent in explaining how you feel and are dealing with things then I am. I tried to explain some of this the other day to him and failed miserably at it. Maybe reading this will help some. Anyways, there were a couple small things that I said that I felt I wasn't ready to share yet with him so I removed them for now.



Edited by LittleMissL (01/26/08 08:39 AM)

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#201460 - 01/26/08 07:33 AM Re: Viewing things that I asked not be viewed [Re: LittleMissL]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear LittleMissL:

What you said is very much true. The abuse not only has an effect on the man in our life but somehow reaches through time, space and circumstances to effect those that love them as well: wives, girlfriends, partners, children and friends of the survivor.

I read something rather profound on MS several weeks ago that truly made an impression on me. It was a posting from the wife of a survivor that was part of the friends and family network before I began looking here for support. She basically said that she decided to let her husband and her husband's therapist worry about him, to oversee his recovery and she decided to work on being happy herself...to show her husband what happy is all about. I know at the beginning stages of this thing this idea may seem "way out there." I felt she was "right on" in her attitude about this. Ultimately we are each responsible for our own life...our own journey, our own happiness.

Are you both seeing a therapist right now to help you sort through the complex feelings surrounding this?

I'll admit, I became submerged in my husband's issues...right now I am working on letting it all go and to work on the sour part of myself. (my screen name is sweet and sour)

I guess it's important to understand that this all falls upon us in waves. We must feel everything we feel, understand those feelings and just keep moving forward.

We watched a children's movie last evening with our kids called "Meet the Robinson's." Funny how there are life lessons everywhere we turn sometimes. In the movie there was the villain that put all blame for his life on the main character, the inventor who shared a room with him as a boy and kept him up all night before the big little league game. The villain (as a boy) fell asleep on the field, missed an important catch and his life was a downward spiral because of this fact. Instead of moving forward, he let that experience swirl around inside of him, eating him up. I do not want to be the villain in my own life. The whole message of that movie is to just keep moving forward. I'll admit it, by the end of the movie, there were tears in my eyes. Of course my kids didn't understand the emotion I felt, how could they over a kid's movie, right?

I just thought I'd share this with you to let you know the struggles you face, you do not face them alone...the feelings you feel are very important to work through. In the end I suspect each and everyone of us will be that much better for this journey. If only the whole thing was a smooth ride forward.

I bid you peace LittleMissL.

Best wishes,
Sweet-n-Sour



Edited by sweet-n-sour (01/26/08 08:25 AM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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