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#200931 - 01/23/08 03:15 PM Regrets
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State

Ok we were talking bout disclosure here and I wanted to relate something about that. Way back in about 1982-83 I had just gotten a divorce from my first wife at her request. I was transferred by my company to California from Nevada and I thought it was a temporary switch but found out later it was permanent. That left me a long way from my family and friends in a strange place. I was feeling pretty alone and a failure at so many things in my life I had pretty much given up on life and decided I didnít care what happened to me anymore. I began dating mostly males and had protected sex only when others wanted me to. I thought about getting aids but didnít care and lived with one guy that I was pretty sure had it and before that dated several others who I believed did or knew did. Being in the medical field I knew the symptoms and even thought I was pretty sure a couple of my partners were infected I never told them or suggested they get tested. Well, after we broke up Danny and Dwight did get tested and were pretty upset to find out they were positive. The came and told me right away and wanted me to get tested and I did. I was neg and have always been neg. Dwight was crushed and withdrew and refused help, meds, and company. I believe he died not to long after. Danny my BF of one year was furious. He was sure I had it and gave it to him. When I turned up neg. he was even angrier. I tried to comfort him and said I didnít care about that and I would even sleep with him anyway he pushed me away and we never were able to reconcile. I do not know his status but the last time I spoke with a friend of his they said he was real sick. I am saddened and conflicted about this. I feel I should have said something sooner even though knowing both I pretty much knew what the reaction would be. Back then I just didnít care and we all just knew back then it was a death sentence. Not like it is now. Should I have disclosed what I suspected? Even though I was hoping deep down I would catch it too? I had tried suicide a couple of times and was contemplating another attempt. I just thought because sex had messed my life up so badly that this would be a fitting end for me. Why I was unsuccessful is beyond me maybe I just didnít try hard enough. I know I was never comfortable being a bottom but I did bottom voluntarily and involuntarily on many occasions. I think too I knew it would really hurt my dad. I was not speaking to my mom much as my dad would always be the one passing on messages between us so I just never thought about how she would feel or anyone else for that matter. I guess I also felt it would be a way of punishing me for my part in all the sex stuff. Anyway that is what happened and now I am here.

Roger


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#200941 - 01/23/08 03:50 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Freedom49]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Wow, that's powerful stuff Roger, thank you. I'm kind of confused myself why I'm still here and actually still healthy. I tried so hard to destroy myself. I guess I'm just thankful that I didn't manage to pull it off, now that I'm seeing I still have a chance at having a life.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#200950 - 01/23/08 04:37 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Freedom49]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Roger,
You certainly have had some powerful experiences and loss and I am sorry for your current regrets. I want to make a few points and it may seem harsh but harshness is not my intent.

First of all even if you suspected someone was positive, and you now regret you never said anything seems a way to continue to beat yourself up. You sound very hard on yourself and I want to say that even if you thought you knew or suspected, you really cannot say for certain you knew or not. I have been positive over 22 years and have suspected others were too. Most times I was wrong. I'd say I think he has the"look" and even assume they played unsafe or because I knew they did, I assumed. In a sense I judged. No not in a sense...I judged. When I suggested they might be, a few guys got really angry. No one can predict reactions accurately much less say someone is is is not HIV+.

Looking back as you are is probably pretty "normal" but you spend time over "if only" and "what if". That is a waste of time which gets you nowhere. In that process you second guess yourself and it sounds like you are blaming yourself that they did not get treatment in time. That is not your responsibility. To assume others feel a certain way is also pretty "normal" but you don't have that kind of power. No one does. We cannot read minds. If you think you know then you are pretty powerful my friend.

I hope you see in my words the impossibility of it all and looking back wishing you had done differently is counterproductive to moving forward in your life. You get stuck. I know because I have been there and wasted a lot of valuable time and energy.

I also tried suicide and when I wasn't trying it was a constant thought. Thank God we did not succeed. It is a permanant solution to a temporary situation and I believe one the most selfish self-centered acts a human can do. Life is full of mistakes but hopefully we learn they are lessons more than regrets.

From the sounds of things, you have walked a very hard road and you keep on that path by having self doubt and blame. I actually can see a really nice guy who wanted to help his friends and love them after they learned they were positive. The anger and hurt they felt, you personalized and I am sad to hear your loss and all the pain. I hope you can look at this as in your past and not at all your fault.

Roger, try to stop blaming yourself, love yourself and be kinder. Would you treat others the way you treat yourself? I doubt it. I think you survived and are negative for a reason and you still have a lot of life ahead of you. I hear pain and doubt as you question and blame yourself. I am sorry for that. Maybe I read way more into it than is really there but thats how I see it and hope the best for you. I am glad you are here and thanks for sharing that.

In Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#200959 - 01/23/08 06:28 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Danbuff]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Amen, Dan! That's pretty much what I'v been telling you, Rog. I'm not saying 'Just the facts, M'am' because your feelings surrounding those facts are important too. Try to be a little more objective in who you blame for what.

My husband is POZ, and nobody knows about it except who he wants to tell. You didn't care who was POZ and who was NEG back then so I can see why you didn't talk about it. Telling somebody they "look" like the have AIDS is far worse than telling a woman she looks pregnant, expecially if they aren't.

What happened wasn't your fault. Not with your brother and your dad, and not with Danny or Dwight. I'm certain you feel bad about all of that, but nothing you do can change what happened. When you're a victim, you can only change what YOU feel.

Rock on!

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#200973 - 01/23/08 07:31 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Lazarus]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Thanks guys for your input. I agree no sense in beating myself up over it. It just feels wierd for lack of a more di>

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#200999 - 01/23/08 09:52 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Freedom49]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hey Rog,
After countless friends and a partner who died from AIDS, I watched a lot of people I cared about die and that thinned my small circle to almost no one. I have asked myself that same question with a twist...why didn't I get sick. How have I managed this long so well? In my days of being a victim and wanting to die, I had wished it were me and not them. I am amazed at my longevity, especially in light of my horrible outlook on life and suicide attempts. Now I see there must be a reason. I understand how you question this but we may never know that answer. At least not in this lifetime.

I am so glad you can see the wisdom and pointlessness of not beating your self up. Life is short and this"Ain't dress rehearsal".

As Ric says,
Rock on

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#201402 - 01/25/08 09:28 PM Re: Regrets [Re: Danbuff]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

Though I am not gay I can relate to the perspective of using reckless behavior as a way of inviting the end to claim us. In my case it was alcohol, drugs and prostitution; I recall waking up in the morning disappointed that I was still alive.

I'm glad we all made it, whatever the reasons were that spared us. Life is a precious wonderful thing full of joys and opportunities and it deserves to be embraced and cherished no matter how old we are or what our future prospects are.

My wake-up call came in two episodes: the death of my girlfriend and the loss of our unborn child, thanks to a reckless episode with heroin (I was not there), and a warning from a professor in college who told me I had to choose: would I live my life or lose it? I chose life, even though I genuinely felt I probably didn't have more than a year or two of it left in me. That was 1969.

We're all worth it.

Much love,
Larry



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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