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#200134 - 01/18/08 07:43 PM Make It Go Away
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Hmmmm.....so you're a survivor....
What did you survive?
No, really, what?
I ask myself that question all the time.
Yeah, it was bad.
It was awful, really.
Oh, I know people will get on me for saying this
But on a scale of abuse from 1 to 10, mine was about a 2 maybe
A 3 at most
I mean, if you just write the stuff down
This happened
And then that happened
Well, why the hell can't I get over it?
Why?
Why won't it go away?
Why can't I say, "It wasn't your fault. You have no shame. You did nothing to make him do it. He didn't do it because there was something inherently wrong with you. You were a perfectly normal little boy. It was his problem.....his shame.....his guilt."
And be done with it?
Why is it that this giant cloud has engulfed me and follows me wherever I go?
And, no, I don't feel sorry for myself.
And, yes, I do want to heal.
And, yes, I'm comfortable with my pain, but that doesn't mean I want to keep swimming around in it.
I just don't understand it, that's all.
I want to take the pill, and be over it.
Okay, a couple of month's worth of pills, and be over it.
I'm tired of waiting for the sun to come up over the hill with a giant "TA DA!", so that I can dance through the daisies. Okay, tromp through the tulips, if dancing through daisies turns you off.
Just want it done......d...o....n.....e.....done.
Make me a member of the "Former Victims Unit".
Ah, shit......here it comes......the black cloud.....ever closer it comes.......surrounding me.........shit
I'm tired of it, you know?
I just want it to be over.
I just want it all to go away.

Bobby




_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#200271 - 01/19/08 08:04 PM Re: Make It Go Away [Re: Bobby]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Sorry Bobby, I don’t know how to make it go away.
I wonder how something that is powerful enough to make you doubt yourself
Gets by with a rating of 2
That guy, or those guys, got away with murder and you only give them a slap on the wrist
Me too! When I read that you are that lenient I wonder why I am
I can’t cry to you “give them the burden they deserve”
And go lightly on my perp.
Do I justify it by saying “I turned out ok”
“I didn’t do any intentional harm”
“maybe it wasn’t so bad”
Well guess what…..it was bad enough to occupy most of my life, day and night
To make me lose out on a lot of things I thought were for others
not go places that were for real people, even be unable to know what I wanted out of life.
I don’t think I even thought I had the right to expect anything out of life. My environment taught me all I know and a lot of it is distorted but I have a good and clear side too.
The side that taught my children boundaries and appropriate love
And gave them enough security to pursue what they wanted out of life

At times I am giving my perp credit for my strength and taking the blame for his actions?
If I see you’re doing that I feel like the loving thing to do is to make you aware.
It makes me aware too.
I want to be done with it too, at least when it’s going on
The times that I just go about my life I don’t feel its weight so much
I wish I could have more of those times but “Ah, shit” always returns
But it’s more like a mist than the downpour it used to be and I’ve been through enough of them to know I make it through.
If there is a “Former Victims Unit” signs me up for training
I think that to be a member you no longer even remember that you were a victim
I don’t have that on my list of expectations.

Would it embarass you if I said I love you?

Dan

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#200460 - 01/21/08 12:09 AM Re: Make It Go Away [Re: dancr6]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Embarrass me? Nope. Humble me, maybe. Love is what we're all about, isn't it? One of the most important lessons I have learned at MS is that we don't have to be stereotypes. Kindness and nurturing are an inherent part of masculinity. I remember being overwhelmed by the love and the kindness of the men here. First it drew me out. Then, their love allowed me the freedom to love, too. And, finally, I began to learn and am still learning, that I was worthy of the love of another man, that it was okay to open up and let that happen, and that there was nothing wrong or scary about that. That still scares me.....that another man might love me, and it's okay to accept that love. When love has been used to take your soul from you, there is nothing scarier in the world.

Embarrass me, Dan? It makes me feel wonderful inside......wonderful because you said it.....and wonderful, because I'm beginning to think that I just might, maybe, just a little bit, deserve it.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#200464 - 01/21/08 12:23 AM Re: Make It Go Away [Re: Bobby]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Bobby,
I so identify with your poem. It made me cry but doesn't take much these days.

My dad was my abuser or the biggest one. He had to most access to me. Thing was he never was affectionate with me other than that. It didn't hurt that much and later not at all. I got to like it. It was the only time he was gentle with me and I use the word loosly for the beginning. Later he was ok I guess so I too would give mine a 2 for those reasons. It could have been a lot worse.

So why at 58 do I still struggle with feelings and thoughts and anger. I should be over it. I want it to be over. I want to be able to help someone else now.
May be that is what all this is about. To bring me here so I can relate to others and maybe help those struggling with stuff I have already made peace with.
I want it to be over. But abuse goes on. Someone has to be available to say "I understand, its ok, it is not your fault, you will get thru it alive and be ok"
I will do my part even if I have to relive some bad stuff for their sake.

Roger


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#200843 - 01/23/08 06:55 AM Re: Make It Go Away [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

It won't go away because there's a difference between knowing something to be true and believing in it and trusting in it. Rather like coming up to the edge of a frozen lake. Just because I know the ice must be very solid and thick by now, that doesn't mean I will believe in this "truth" enough to trust it and walk across the lake.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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