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#200755 - 01/22/08 04:38 PM I'm Not Afraid To Die!
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
There's a lot of things that I'm afraid of but dying isn't one of them. Seriously, I can sit here right now and type this and a truck could veer off the road outside my house and into my bedroom and kill me. I could be struck by lightning. I could choke on a hotdog. None of this bothers me. i'm not in the least bit scared of it. From my perspective, there are far worse things in life than dying.

I think I'm more afraid of myself more than anything else. i'm afraid I might have a nightmare before I go to sleep, therefor I try to stay awake. I'm afraid that nightmare will be so bad I'll freak out and go nuts in the middle of the night. I'm afraid of people who hate me and don't love me. I'm afraid that somebody will find out my secrets and some of the personal stuff I keep hidden within myself.

I'm afraid that I'll never really be any good for anybody. I worry that I'll never figure out how to actually love another human being and how to let another human being love me, because a big part of me believes, deep down, that I don't deserve to be loved. My first lesson in love was abuse, and in the last 2-1/2 years, that hasn't been. After I turned about 12-13, my uncle stopped abusing me as often. I felt rejected, and therefor I felt like he didn't love me anymore because he stopped showing attention to me and showing his "love" for me. Eventually, the abuse stopped only because i was taken from my mom and uncle, and part of me still feels like the people who took me away just didn't understand, because my perception of love was and sometimes still is "sex."

There's so many things I'm afraid of, but death isn't one of them. I think I'm more afraid of living and facing the things I have to deal with everyday. Sometimes I wish I would just get hit by a truck or choke to death, so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I just feel like I'm only alive to fight this battle and death is the reward, because I won't feel anything then, and I almost want to feel numb to everything around me now.

I know, this was some deep shit, huh? lol Sorry. Just to let you guys know, I'm not thinking about suicide or anything like that. I'm just thinking about things is all.

See ya!


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#200757 - 01/22/08 04:53 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: JasonSmalls]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
((( Joey )))

Keep strong. I know what you are talking about.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#200759 - 01/22/08 05:28 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: alexey]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
jason i know you don't like to hear from old guys lol not sure if 23 is old to you one thing about your post that struck me is if you read any of mine it's scary how much alike they are,the feeling shitty after the abuse stopped for sure,on the dying thing ,i don't fear it either the way i see it if the stuff i'm doing to try to recover don't work then at least when i die i will get a break from all of it.sometimes i think it's the only way i'm ever gonna be able to rest! i'm not suicidal either,but yeah like you i think there are things worse than dying .


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#200764 - 01/22/08 05:52 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: evanesence]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I don't think we want to die when we're actually faced with it -- the second before the crash, or the month before cancer takes us. It's easy to say you're not afraid when you're fairly sure you'll wake up tomorrow. I think when you realize you're *really* dying, your attitudes change a lot and you just feel so bad that you missed so much you could've done so much more. All you care about is saying how much you love those you love.

I don't think you or anyone can say they're not afraid until they know for sure they're dead meat.

I saw my strong willed, independent, hard headed grandpa break down into an almost childlike panic when he knew his time left was short. I hardly ever saw him cry until those 3 months.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#200776 - 01/22/08 07:19 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: AndyJB2005]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
i don't want to die ,i just want to rest in peace


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#200806 - 01/22/08 11:48 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: evanesence]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
If I leave this world tomorrow, it will be ok with me. It has got to be easier than dealing with this CSA I am going through. Like Jason said I am more afraid of the nightmares I will probably have tonight. I hate them more than dieing.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#200927 - 01/23/08 02:33 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: KENKEN]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Joey,

I can relate to what you are saying. I can remember times when I was your age and a bit older when I even wished for death. I would wake up in the morning and actually felt disappointed to be still alive.

Those things that trouble you, though - they aren't problems that come from Joey. They come from things that were done to Joey...all of them. As you talk and learn I think you will understand that more and more clearly. You are worth so much more than just sex; it was the fault of the abuser that he didn't understand that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#200976 - 01/23/08 07:49 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
My soul died years ago . But my heart does not know to stop

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#200983 - 01/23/08 08:28 PM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: OKIE MIKE]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Joey,

I don't know whether I'm afraid to die, but I'm not ready for it. A while back, I don't think I cared. This wasn't conscious, but my actions showed that I didan't care, at least in a subconscious way.

Things have gotten better. They have gotten so much bettter I don't think I can express how much. Just for example, I got tickled last night, and laughed uncontrollably like a little boy. Wow, where'd did that come from. I don't think that's happened since "before".

Just hang in there, Joey. Fears can get less with time.

Keith.


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#201040 - 01/24/08 03:51 AM Re: I'm Not Afraid To Die! [Re: KeithR]
Eric5 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
At least in death, you dont have to face any repurcussions. but the things you mention, you are afraid of, it is evident they will remain to be dealt with. So, are they pushing you to the point of no return here? Isn't easier to say the things you fear are better dealt with than not at all? What's the phrase, 'face your fears'?
I tell you what, though. I know what you mean with sleep. I'm still up. My story is that I need medicine to knock me out. Doctor wont give me anymore. So, when I try to lay down? I have one of those crazy OBE's. Seriously. It feels like i'm being spun around violently and I cant move! Called also 'sleep paralysis'. I need to go to bed really tired to avoid them.
I know thats nothing to do with MS but I empathize with fearing bedtime.
Good luck.


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