No one ever taught me the rules of "man"
I had to try to figure them out for myself
I knew I didn't make the cut
He told me that
With his eyes
With the things he did to me
He wouldn't have done them to a real boy
Only to a sissy
To a girl boy
So, I created an artificial boy
Or tried to
Tough
(But played with paper dolls)
Never let 'em see you sweat
(Don't tell that we played with these)
Played on the football team
(Would rather have been doing cheers)
Played on the basketball team
(Was horrible at basketball, hated every second of it)
Changed my walk
(Always conscious of the way I was walking, no swish allowed)
Bullied
(Stood up to him. God, he was big. Shit.)
Didn't know from gay
Maybe they knew and I didn't
Why didn't they tell me, if they thought.........
Had no gay feelings
Just not an Appalachian male
Not that kind
Johnny Appleseed, maybe
Not Daniel Boone
Was so mixed up, I wouldn't have been able to pick me out of a line up
But I knew I wasn't a man
Not really
And didn't know how
What to do
What to be
How to be
Didn't want to be the kind of man that had persecuted me
Made me miserable
Threatened me
Said nasty things
Bullied me
But wanted to be a man
Didn't feel like I was a woman
Definitely masculine
Didn't fit
I put me away
Buried me
Didn't know what to do with me
Still don't, but I'm starting to see some value
Starting to understand that the things he said weren't necessarily true
That I was a good person
A talented person
A man, for God's sake
He just didn't value anything I was
Didn't know how to accept me
Love me
And so he did the only thing he could think to do to something so vile
He defiled me

Good Bobby,
We are men because of our physiology!
No other characteristics need apply.
If the people given responsibility are expecting anything more, they are confused and not loving enough to have been put in charge of us in the first place, but we can't control that, only how we talk to ourselves about it now and respond to the adult voice about that kind of responsibility which we have figured out much better than they.
A huge curse is appropriate for anyone who would defile a lovable little guy because of some mundane value. (or any other reason)

Bobby,



Do you see how important this insight is? The fault was all his, never yours. There was never anything wrong with you; it was his failure to respect your rights and feelings as a child that lies at the root of your issues.

Much love,
Larry

Ouch!... (but a good ouch!). This one hit a nerve, but it's good because it was a very lonely nerve...if you know what I mean.

i am that boy, that man, you write about.
thank you for putting it into words.