It is not even 6am and here I am, up for a couple hours, can't sleep because of the dam nightmares I have over and over, night after night.

Why is it that my brother, my perp, gets to sleep through the night, each and every night? This is so dam unfair to me. Sometimes I get so angry,I just want to call him up and tell him how bad he f...k'd up his little brothers life. It is bad enough I have to think of the SA day after day, but when this shit comes up at night and I wake up screaming, this is really bullshit to me.

I know I am not the only one, but sometimes it really gets me down. I want so much to be strong and feel like I am in charge of my life, but then the feelings of "why" set in.

Why did this SA happen to me
Why did I let this happen
Why did'nt I tell some one who would listen
Why did I act out
Why was I born into such a f...k'd up family
Why can't I just "live with it and get on with my life"
Why did I hurt so many people who loved me
Why did God let this happen to me
What did I do to deserve this
WHY ME

IT IS SO DAM UNFAIR
Some day, and I hope it is soon, I will confront that SOB. That is if I don't do something really stupid b/4 then. Sometimes I just feel life isn't worth dealing with all this crap.

Kenken, I have dreams every night to and it sucks. But just hang in there and keep fighting. Don't do anything stupid your brother is not worth that. there are many people here who are more than willing to help and listen.

Ken,

I feel for you and do understand. Dealing with SA is hard enough. Then add that you, we, are not able to sleep and rest the mind and body. When we try the demons haunt us.

I dream and it wakes me up. It might help to keep a journal by the bed or a tape recorder. Express your thoughts at that moment. No matter how strong, angry, sad etc. I know when I write I feel better, if only for a moment. For me, it’s a good way for me to think, process and let this poison out.

Know you are not alone. You have people who love and support you. During the day try to rest your eyes and relax. Even for 5 min. It helps me stay functional. I'm exhausted but don’t really sleep. I understand.

Your Pal,
Thomas

Ken,

On the general "why me"questions I think we never get answers, simply because there are no answers. Can you ever imagine hearing an answer that makes you say, "Okay, now I get it", and go home happy? Can you imagine that such an answer could even exist? I talked about this in greater detail, and if you like you can find all that here.

On the questions like "why didn't I tell?" or "why did I let it happen?", try to bear in mind that you are asking that question now, as an adult. Now of course you can propose that you could/should have done this or that, but an abused boy isn't in that position. It's unfair to ourselves to look back now - with the strength, maturity, knowledge and answers we have as adults - and blame ourselves for not having any of that as boys. At the end of the day, Ken, the answer to "why didn't I do x" is that you were a child - an innocent defenseless boy.

Much love,
Larry