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#200287 - 01/19/08 09:29 PM i did it to myself...WHY
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I am so fed up with trying to "patch things up" and have some form of relationship with my brother when it's just never going to be possible.

A few weeks ago(x-mas eve night) my brother called me shitfaced drunk off his ass,since then i have relapsed and now left feeling as though i'm a hypocrite and failure.

I have never had a "relationship" with him and when i spoke to him a few weeks ago he only called me to confront me with a latter i mailed him,which was long overdue,telling him i want no part of him,however i told him about my mother molesting me throughout my enitre childhood of course he was freaked out now if that was selfish of me OH WELL....blah blah blah...

Lately i have been thinking about him so i called him tonight to "try" and talk like two adults although he wanted no part of it,afterall i can't blame him after getting the letter i'm sure he was horrified.

Anyway i'm now left and feeling torn with "now what" ....why did i even open myself up to more hurt and pain i mean did i really expect him to nurture me and say it's ok rich i understand ....not a fuckin chance....alot more was said and it does not matter at this point ...ONCE AGAIN I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF....i did nothing fuckin wrong and it's killing me because my insides are ripping me apart and ....you know what fuck it why do i even bother wasting my time even talking about it with ANYONE i am the only one who has to deal with the ramifications.

I created this situation,i caused the feelings of rage and anger in me,i, i , i ,i ....it always comes full circle right back to me....i guess it is what it is....although i might do anything at this point to him or even myself....i am so tired of not having the ability to let it go ....i dont know how because it festers and rots me from within....i cant think straight whatever feedback comes my way .....good if not oh well it still does not change anything what was i said to him....i wish he died,you're a loser,i hate you,you'll never amount to anything....etc etc etc.....hurt people hurt people.....

Coop

PS MY PROCESS IS MY PROCESS AND NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME CERTAINLY NOT MY FUCKIN LOSER BROTHER......FOR WHATEVER IT"S WORTH ....I"M ACTUALLY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR SPEAKING UP FOR MYSELF ESPECIALLY TO THE VERY PERSON WHO I "THOUGHT" WOULD UNDERSTAND BOY WAS I DEAD WRONG



Edited by thecoopstah (01/19/08 09:30 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#200333 - 01/20/08 05:47 AM Re: i did it to myself...WHY [Re: thecoopstah]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Coop,
First let me say how sorry I am this happend to you with your family. You are justified to reveal the secret, the pain and anger...all of it. You have to live your life and your truth. It sounds like you were reaching out to your brother for some support that you apparently never got on top of the betrayal by your mother.

My sexual abuse seems to have resulted in very poor relationships with my siblings and their denial is strong.I have many theories as to why it happened that way for me and yet I may never understand them nor they me. There have been some brief acknowledgments but then basically that I should keep quiet. And of the two who abused me, one is dead and the other is ugly and in denial. I know it has been painful for me wanting to be part of my family in spite of all the dysfunction.

I feel and felt isolated and abandonded. I am not sure if this resonates with you but my guess is you may feel as I did.

Dealing with the issues on top of an alcoholic brother is twice as hard. I always say in my family, "Everytime I extend the olive branch, they beat me with it". It reopens the hurt when I tried to patch things up. I think you and I look for a relationship, love and support because childhood was chaos. We long for that missing piece. It sucks that it is not there.

In my case, I have stopped trying with them and have finally learned to let go. Try as I may, I always got shit on in some way and it hurt. There is this myth and ideal we look for that may just not be there. At least for me. I don't want to inject my situation into yours because I cannot know all your history.

The one brother I have a relationship with is very fragile and as much as I want it, I am backing off and demanding respect. He has noticed my pulling back and I let him know why. He hurt me. He apologized but there is still this gulph. God only knows what will happen but I am learning to let go and create my own life and happiness. I find great support here and have a patient T who gently pushes me to see a different reality. I guess we keep repeating these things until we learn the lesson. I hope that I am making sense here.

I am glad you took the time and revealed your pain here and even to your brother. It takes courage and you deserve to be heard, respected and loved. We all do.

I think you will find a way to let it go when you stop beating yourself up. You are repeating a pattern of abuse. Would you be taht unkind to otheres as you are to yourself? I seriously doubt that you would.

I am glad you are at least proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. You deserve to credit yourself and see your strength. You are incredibly strong Coop. I hope you can begin to let it go. Every time you post it here it is a step toward healing. You are not alone and you never have to feel that way unless you choose to hold on to it. Ouch... I don't mean harm but sometimes a kick in the butt shakes me into reality and I hope you too.

Be kind to yourself and keep trying. You are worth it and you deserve to heal. I hope I have made a little sense for you.

Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#200380 - 01/20/08 12:15 PM Re: i did it to myself...WHY [Re: Danbuff]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Coop,

Here's my experience and what it says. I can only hope it can be helpful....

I too recently disclosed to my brother and sister in law. This in the face of a complete lack of any kind of true caring, trust or intemacy in my family. The last time I even saw my brother was 19 years ago. I certainly wish I had even a single "family" member who would call and ask how I am doing and listen for 10 minutes. But, this hasn't really ever happened, and I don't expect it will. But I wanted to give them the chance to do what they chose with this new information about me. I didn't want to keep the secret. It empowers me to not keep it secret. It wasn't my fault though it has affected me greatly. How they respond or don't tells me everything about them and nothing about me. Again, it's not my fault.

I've been pretty clear about what I need from them: spend time talking, get to know each other, be a real caring family together, communicate. Perhaps that is beyond them. Who knows? It isn't my problem. I must develop close, caring relationships with others and not blame them, use them as an excuse to hurt myself, resentment, etc. They say resentment is when I take the poison and wait for them to die.... Get it? It harms only me. I have to let it go.

I hear you really need "family". But it doesn't do you any good to blame yourself for "bringing it on yourself". His response or withdrawl isn't about you. It's about him. His reasons. You should be proud about speaking up for yourself. I'm really sorry you didn't get the response you wanted, but keep speaking up for yourself, choose who you open up to as carefully as you can and find people who are caring. You deserve it. You have a lot to give back. Be kind to yourself. And I know it's hard to do that when you never got that as a child, so give yourself a break when you don't get it right and perfect.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#200383 - 01/20/08 12:39 PM Re: i did it to myself...WHY [Re: LandOfShadow]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
LandOfShadow,

Your response above has given me some strength. I am battleing deciding to tell my family of the CSA from my older brother. But what you said, about giving them the choice to do what they chose with this new information about me, is inspiring to me. I never looked at the disclosure that way. Knowing my family, 7 of us, they will more than likely take sides to the issue, but as you said that is not my fault.

Thanks for giving me some strength. When I tell them, I am sure MS will be the first place I will go for help and support. I am glad you are all here for me.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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