I am so fed up with trying to "patch things up" and have some form of relationship with my brother when it's just never going to be possible.
A few weeks ago(x-mas eve night) my brother called me shitfaced drunk off his ass,since then i have relapsed and now left feeling as though i'm a hypocrite and failure.
I have never had a "relationship" with him and when i spoke to him a few weeks ago he only called me to confront me with a latter i mailed him,which was long overdue,telling him i want no part of him,however i told him about my mother molesting me throughout my enitre childhood of course he was freaked out now if that was selfish of me OH WELL....blah blah blah...
Lately i have been thinking about him so i called him tonight to "try" and talk like two adults although he wanted no part of it,afterall i can't blame him after getting the letter i'm sure he was horrified.
Anyway i'm now left and feeling torn with "now what" ....why did i even open myself up to more hurt and pain i mean did i really expect him to nurture me and say it's ok rich i understand ....not a fuckin chance....alot more was said and it does not matter at this point ...ONCE AGAIN I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF....i did nothing fuckin wrong and it's killing me because my insides are ripping me apart and ....you know what fuck it why do i even bother wasting my time even talking about it with ANYONE i am the only one who has to deal with the ramifications.
I created this situation,i caused the feelings of rage and anger in me,i, i , i ,i ....it always comes full circle right back to me....i guess it is what it is....although i might do anything at this point to him or even myself....i am so tired of not having the ability to let it go ....i dont know how because it festers and rots me from within....i cant think straight whatever feedback comes my way .....good if not oh well it still does not change anything what was i said to him....i wish he died,you're a loser,i hate you,you'll never amount to anything....etc etc etc.....hurt people hurt people.....
PS MY PROCESS IS MY PROCESS AND NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME CERTAINLY NOT MY FUCKIN LOSER BROTHER......FOR WHATEVER IT"S WORTH ....I"M ACTUALLY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR SPEAKING UP FOR MYSELF ESPECIALLY TO THE VERY PERSON WHO I "THOUGHT" WOULD UNDERSTAND BOY WAS I DEAD WRONG.
Edited by thecoopstah (01/18/08 10:01 PM)
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "