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#200054 - 01/18/08 07:36 AM Abandonment issues and relationships
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
This is a great link if you find yourself going for the wrong people in regards to relationships.

http://www.abandonment.net/abando.anon.html

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#200058 - 01/18/08 08:01 AM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: John Oarc]
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
WOW. Thanks for posting this.

I feel so messed up. I hope to be able to fix and heal myself.

_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

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#200062 - 01/18/08 08:22 AM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: alphabravo]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I have been a "victim" of this myself a few times. I was abandoned quite coldly twice in my earlier relationships. They really made it stick too, I literally only ever heard from them ever again once or twice.

Edit:

In that link, I think there is one statement that sums it up perfectly.

"Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac."



_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#200108 - 01/18/08 02:20 PM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: cbfull]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
This is an interesting site. Does anyone have any experience or opinions of Susan Anderson, her book or the groups she is advocating? She seems to be starting a whole self-help movement around this issue, which is.... remarkable.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#200112 - 01/18/08 02:41 PM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: LandOfShadow]
NoOneImportant Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 36
I've been looking hard for a therapist, and during my searches, I've been finding what I feel are too many "self-help" books etc. The reason I feel this way..... I'm tired of feeling alone. Self-Help to me is about keeping it hidden so know one knows, but you get the healing anyway. To me hidden self-help seems no different than the keep it quiet bull-shit too many people are still struggling with. For me, the idea makes me angry. Just damn tired of keeping it all in.

Who knows, maybe it'll help, but I need people's support more than ever right now.


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#200121 - 01/18/08 05:18 PM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: NoOneImportant]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Relationships? What are those?


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#200140 - 01/18/08 08:50 PM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: Hauser]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Hauser,
When you find out let me know, it seems I don't know what a real one is.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#200149 - 01/18/08 09:35 PM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: GateKPR4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
yea------alan-------------------rickey------------------Relationships? What are those--------------------------steve


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#208222 - 03/01/08 11:39 AM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: sabata]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Two things, if I can revive this thread:

First,

I did quite a bit of checking out of the abandonment.net web site. And here's my last e-mail to them (at the site):

Quote:

Donna,
What bothers me here, is there is an air of deception. The only consistent part is when you try to sell me something. And why is the workbook $75? Not that it shouldn't be, but why aren't you upfront with all that? And people I've contacted from the group list, are kind of confirming that. They've been disappointed too. How sad! From a therapist.

You appeared to have an innovative "business model", using a book, workbook, peer group, facilitator resources, workshops, information and referrals all coordinated and integrated by a web site. That in itself I find very interesting. Too bad you are not able to make it really work. For example, I notice you haven't bothered to remove the unresponsive contact information for area code 612 I told you about. Two e-mails, two phone calls, no responses.

So, NO! I have no intentions of buying your book or anything else at this point. In fact, I think my experience needs more exposure on the web so people know better what to expect.


Second,

There is often this subtext of neglect and abandonment with us here. And the effects of neglect on a child, are, .... well, neglected I think. Nothing really bad ever happens with neglect to point your finger at, like in the case of SA. But the effects of growing up without ever having a safe, trusting relationship with another person, a parent, is really profound. The disconnection from others becomes a disconnection from ourselves. That can be difficult to heal.

That's my story certainly. I really notice in the survivor stories here when the survivor has someone he confides in, can talk to, be close with. Perhaps he doesn't disclose the abuse but maybe one parent is emotionally accessible. Or there is a sibling who becomes a confidant to share feelings in safety. Or there is an uncle, aunt, grandparent, or someone who seems safe and the boy trusts without harm. Because when I think about how I would tell my story, (I'm working on it), it stands out to me that I had absolutely no one I trusted or was particularly close to as a child. No brother or sister (my one brother seriously threatened me and disappeared completely when I was 10), no friend (we moved at age 14, and later my best friend killed himself), both my parents were very absent/abusive as parents, no relative, no teacher or other adult (I see now how my parents were jealous of my interest in many adults and ended these relationships, and how several were abusers or potential abusers grooming me). I had tremendous fears around girls and women from how emotionally abusive my mother was. And starting in my teens, I grew up very afraid of my male friends because I had a tremendous fear of my same-sex attractions (which also was a fear of the abuse those attractions reminded me of). It's like the stars aligned to completely cut me off from people.

I think the term for this is "abandonment trauma". For me, I think this is bigger than the SA, which just confirmed you can't trust people. I don't know. But I guess that's what I hear in the "what's a relationship? "

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#208260 - 03/01/08 03:19 PM Re: Abandonment issues and relationships [Re: LandOfShadow]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Allan,
I agree with you. I have read in several stories and posts about how the boy felt when after the abuse he was not believed and was essentially abandoned and cut off from anyone who could listen and validate him. I suspect that is the worst part of the abuse, the isolation you feel when no one rescues you or even believes you. I think if a kid is abused and he is rescued. He is believed and people he can trust support and help him, then he has a really great chance of getting trough it with minimal damage. Unfortunately from what I have seen that seldom happens. Hence this website.


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