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#200021 - 01/17/08 10:26 PM Real bad today
Riptide X Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 36
my wife told me she is sick fo hearing about my problems said i am 33 years old alreayd it happened a long time ago, and i should just get over it already, there are people who have a lot worst problems


we got into a huge fight, i was so upset when i got off the phone i felt like going nuts, if i had access to drugs at the moment i would have done some, i did start smoking cigarettes again have not had a cigarette in about 10 years.

i could not believe how insensitive she could be.

basically i been going through some major depression in past few months because i been getting flashbacks i went through therapy about 2 years ago and things were getting better, but i told her i cannot help it came back what do you want me to? it not like i can control it? she made me feel like total shit

thanks for listening

i came from a real shitty family with very little support and a lot of mental disease in my family, if i had access to drugs i tell you i would definitely take some now


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#200023 - 01/17/08 10:44 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I am very sorry for you. It is not easy and I really feel for you. The nightmares is what took me over the edge and now am dealing with them almost every night. So I do know what you are going through.

The wife issue I don't know what to tell you. My GF is supportive of me and is helping me.

I really feel you have to do what is right for you. You are the most important issue right now. I would suggest getting back in therapy so you can deal with your issues.

WE are all hear for you.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#200024 - 01/17/08 10:48 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: KENKEN]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
It is very hard for people who have not experienced this to understand how huge it is and how out of control you feel. I am so sorry you got dumped on like that. Give her time. Maybe counseling with both of you and a therapist would be helpful.

Roger


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#200025 - 01/17/08 10:57 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Freedom49]
Riptide X Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 36
thanks all


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#200060 - 01/18/08 08:14 AM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
NoOneImportant Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 36
Wow, that could be a tran>


Edited by NoOneImportant (01/18/08 08:16 AM)

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#200081 - 01/18/08 11:46 AM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Riptide X
...if i had access to drugs i tell you i would definitely take some now

I know the feeling. In my opinion, the only drug that helps in those situations is clonazepam (Klonopin). It is prescribed for anxiety and panic, and sometimes for seizures. Using benzodiazepines as a sole means of anxiety control is generally not a good idea, rather they should be used in conjuncion with breathing exercises and meditation.

My current standing with this type of medication is that it is very, very beneficial in helping me cope with stress. I get stressed out very easily, and taking one of these before a stressful event takes a lot of the "bite" out of the whole day.

I apologize if this is not news to you, and I am certainly not saying that you should be taking medication or anything like that.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#200101 - 01/18/08 01:45 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: cbfull]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Maybe some of the guys here can find us the recent "Just Get Over It" themed posts. As I recall, their nature might be of use to Riptide. I'll do some digging too.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#200103 - 01/18/08 02:02 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Found this in Poetry by Bobby:

When I "just get over it" will it suddenly stop hurting
Will that heavy place in my chest suddenly go away
Will I not cry at odd times, not knowing why tears are streaming down my cheeks
Will I not envy/be happy for/be fearful for laughing children all at the same time

When I "just get over it" will I forget he didn't love me
Will the look of disappointment in his eyes go away
Will I forget that he never said he loved me
Will I be able to walk by my closet without seeing myself hiding there inside

When I " just get over it" will the drugs I'm on for depression suddenly not be necessary
Will I suddenly develop wonderful self-esteem
Will my sexuality suddenly be clear to me
Will I not be shy, not be afraid of men

When I "just get over it" will daisies spring up around my feet when I walk
Will the sun come out bright every single morning
Will birds sing sweetly as I go out to get into my car to go to work
Will everyone smile and wave to me as I drive down the street

Hmmmm............sounds really good to me

I think I'll "just get over it"
_________________________

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#200122 - 01/18/08 05:31 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I would NOT depend on her for support. This is not to imply that she doesn't care about you, I'm sure that she does, but she simply lacks the knowledge to help you. At the same time, don't shut her out, but you need to stop thinking that she knows how to handle the very complex issues that CSA brings up in our lives.

Some things are best said only in the company of a trained, experienced, and competent therapist, or with other survivors who might have a clue with what you're going through. In my experience, non-survivors lack the knowledge that is needed discuss the issue in a SUPPORTIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE way.


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#200129 - 01/18/08 06:43 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Hauser]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Riptide,

I'm really sorry that you're having to fight off the pressure and disapproval of your wife. It's all to common a theme for many of us. In some ways I feel a little fortunate that my marriage fell apart before I really started doing this healing, which should tell you just how messed up my relationship was to begin with.

I wanted to second what Hauser said. Our spouses/partners can't go back in time and make things right. And from their point of view, sometimes it seems totally unfair that the awesome person they fell in love with and is trying to live with in the now is still so often trapped by the pain of things that happened so long ago. It sounds like she wants nothing to do with this site, but have you asked her if she'd be willing to check out the Friends and Family forum? Maybe if she sees that this is not unique, or simple situation she may soften her attitude slightly. If nothing else she'll have contact with some people who are struggling with the same issues.

In any event, moving forward, it's important that you continue to monitor youself and try as hard as possible not to lean too much on her for support right now. What's she's saying (poorly) is that she's not strong enough to carry the weight you're putting on her. That's not a reflection on either her virtue or your motives, it's simply a statement of fact. Maybe you guys could agree to try and have an abuse free hour (I was about to say weekend, but that might be pushing it). This does not require you to "deny" or "get over" you abuse, but merely to try and take a brief break from the processing and spend an hour on her. Do something sweet for her, give her a massage or go for a walk and hold her hand. DON'T try to have sex! Guys feel intimate after sex - that's just as true for guys who haven't been abused as it is for us. Women don't think that way, as a matter of fact, they;re just the opposite, they want sex (normally) only after building up a sense of intimacy. This is not a time for sex. This is a time for rebuilding a connection that's been strained. Just spend a little bit of time focussed on her and try to SHOW her (as opposed to telling her) how much you desire her love and how much you care for her.

I know it won't be easy, but hey, at least you will have something besides the abuse to focus on. You don't need to apologize for anything, and I wouldn't even try to. Just do something nice for her. Remember, you haven't done the crime here, your doing your best to continue to survive and heal. But right now the person who did abuse you is continuing their abuse and damaging your family. The best way to fight that is to not let you abuser walk into your marriage. This is one of those things that requires courage and guts on your part, because it means that you're going to have to take the pain and the hurt and the anxiety all on your shoulders. It's going to hurt, and it's going to feel scary, but I'm willing to bet that if you can give her an hour of you in the present, focussed on her that you'll soon find it a little easier to focus on her.

TRy it, what have you got to lose?

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#200157 - 01/18/08 10:17 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
When I "just get over it" will by constant nightmares go away,
Will I not wake up sweating and in a state of confusion,
Will I sleep through the night with pleasant dreams,
Will I not scare the hell out of my girl friend because of my screaming,
Hmmmm......Sounds good to me too

I'll Think I'll "just get over it"

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#200252 - 01/19/08 05:42 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Riptide X,

Hi....my BF is a survivor of CSA and since I am not a survivor myself, I can not post in the Male Survivor Public Forum, but I did read your post.

I think one of the guys suggested that you encourage your wife to read and post in the Family and Friends section. I think that is a wonderful idea. I would even be happy to have you give her my name on this site and she can send me private messages if she would like. Or, I could even meet her in the Family and Friends chat room sometime.

I am relatively new to all of this too, and I hope you can each have a little love, understanding and compassion for one another right now.

About 4 months ago, when I found out that my BF had been abused by his older brother, this topic consumed our lives. I too, like your wife, just thought that he should get over it. But now, I am beginning to understand that it is a long, long, slow, slow process.

But, I would like to tell both you and your wife that I think it does get better in time.

It will take a lot of work on your part and a lot of work and understanding on hers. I know there were and still are times when I think that this CSA and even this site consumes way too much of his time. We women like to have our men paying attention to us you know.....and sometimes....it is hard when they are consumed in something else. Sometimes I have to gently remind him that there is more to life than all of this pain and sorrow of dealing with his CSA.

So, for us, we had to come to some kind of a compromise and maybe the two of you can even work on a deal like that???? We agreed that on the weekends we are rarely going to spend time talking about the abuse and not spend as much time on Male Survivor and make that time more our own....like it used to be before all of this surfaced.

I think it has been better for both of us....as they say....everything in moderation. I know in the beginning the thoughts and feelings occupy every moment of one's life....but with time....it will get better.

Hope that this gives you a little bit of peace and may God bless both of you during this time. Hang in there.....there is life after CSA! (4 short months ago....I would not have said that!) :-)


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#200253 - 01/19/08 05:43 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Riptide X,

Hi....my BF is a survivor of CSA and since I am not a survivor myself, I can not post in the Male Survivor Public Forum, but I did read your post.

I think one of the guys suggested that you encourage your wife to read and post in the Family and Friends section. I think that is a wonderful idea. I would even be happy to have you give her my name on this site and she can send me private messages if she would like. Or, I could even meet her in the Family and Friends chat room sometime.

I am relatively new to all of this too, and I hope you can each have a little love, understanding and compassion for one another right now.

About 4 months ago, when I found out that my BF had been abused by his older brother, this topic consumed our lives. I too, like your wife, just thought that he should get over it. But now, I am beginning to understand that it is a long, long, slow, slow process.

But, I would like to tell both you and your wife that I think it does get better in time.

It will take a lot of work on your part and a lot of work and understanding on hers. I know there were and still are times when I think that this CSA and even this site consumes way too much of his time. We women like to have our men paying attention to us you know.....and sometimes....it is hard when they are consumed in something else. Sometimes I have to gently remind him that there is more to life than all of this pain and sorrow of dealing with his CSA.

So, for us, we had to come to some kind of a compromise and maybe the two of you can even work on a deal like that???? We agreed that on the weekends we are rarely going to spend time talking about the abuse and not spend as much time on Male Survivor and make that time more our own....like it used to be before all of this surfaced.

I think it has been better for both of us....as they say....everything in moderation. I know in the beginning the thoughts and feelings occupy every moment of one's life....but with time....it will get better.

Hope that this gives you a little bit of peace and may God bless both of you during this time. Hang in there.....there is life after CSA! (4 short months ago....I would not have said that!) :-)


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#200308 - 01/19/08 10:28 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Lou]
weapher Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
My wife and I separated for 3 weeks back in June. The struggles for me where getting so overwhelming and trying to deal with my issues and keep her happy was impossible. There was no intention of divorce, just a time for me to get away from her pressure and the struggles she had and find some clarity in my own mind as to the path I needed to go down.

Since then she found a counselor that is helping her understand my issues and helping her with hers... adult child of alcoholics, parentified child, abandonment issues...etc...

I don't know your situation but encourage you to discuss with your wife how big this issue is for you. She may not get it, but as responded previously, your first priority is you man. What helped my wife is that she began to realize, as I was able to get my issues dealt with, that our relationship could only improve.

just some ramblings

weapher

_________________________
Facing the struggle makes you strong.

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#200314 - 01/20/08 12:39 AM Re: [Re: weapher]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 01:48 AM)

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#200385 - 01/20/08 01:00 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: tartugas]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Riptide,

That's rough stuff, man. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through all that. I think one of the worst things we can hear is "It was a long time ago. Why don't you just get over it?" The problem is that many times the people who say that have no idea how cruel and dismissive it is; they genuinely think "getting over it" is an option.

What your wife needs to understand is that you are not choosing this pain. It's there whether you like it or not, and you cannot turn it off and on like flicking a light switch. Asking "why not just get over it" is like asking someone with a broken leg why they don't just get up and walk.

The thing about "lots of people have worse problems" is that this argument is no argument at all. It's of course true that others are also suffering in the world, but their pain is not mine and mine does not become less of a burden to me just because others are also suffering. Ask you wife if she would tell a friend with a broken leg (to pursue that example), "Just get over it and walk; people are starving in Africa."

One thing I would really suggest is that you two need to talk about all this, perhaps with your T. It needs to come out onto the table so both of you can say how you feel without feeling compelled to water things down, but the time to do that isn't when both of you are raging. Find a moment when you are both at ease and have time to listen and respond to each other calmly.

Ken Singer gave me a cool comparative example for this recently. It's when a rainstorm hits that I get to discover that the roof is leaking, but that's not the time to go up and fix it. I need to find a time when it's sunny and clear, I have all the tools I need, and the time is available to make the repairs.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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