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#200157 - 01/18/08 10:17 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
When I "just get over it" will by constant nightmares go away,
Will I not wake up sweating and in a state of confusion,
Will I sleep through the night with pleasant dreams,
Will I not scare the hell out of my girl friend because of my screaming,
Hmmmm......Sounds good to me too

I'll Think I'll "just get over it"

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#200252 - 01/19/08 05:42 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Riptide X,

Hi....my BF is a survivor of CSA and since I am not a survivor myself, I can not post in the Male Survivor Public Forum, but I did read your post.

I think one of the guys suggested that you encourage your wife to read and post in the Family and Friends section. I think that is a wonderful idea. I would even be happy to have you give her my name on this site and she can send me private messages if she would like. Or, I could even meet her in the Family and Friends chat room sometime.

I am relatively new to all of this too, and I hope you can each have a little love, understanding and compassion for one another right now.

About 4 months ago, when I found out that my BF had been abused by his older brother, this topic consumed our lives. I too, like your wife, just thought that he should get over it. But now, I am beginning to understand that it is a long, long, slow, slow process.

But, I would like to tell both you and your wife that I think it does get better in time.

It will take a lot of work on your part and a lot of work and understanding on hers. I know there were and still are times when I think that this CSA and even this site consumes way too much of his time. We women like to have our men paying attention to us you know.....and sometimes....it is hard when they are consumed in something else. Sometimes I have to gently remind him that there is more to life than all of this pain and sorrow of dealing with his CSA.

So, for us, we had to come to some kind of a compromise and maybe the two of you can even work on a deal like that???? We agreed that on the weekends we are rarely going to spend time talking about the abuse and not spend as much time on Male Survivor and make that time more our own....like it used to be before all of this surfaced.

I think it has been better for both of us....as they say....everything in moderation. I know in the beginning the thoughts and feelings occupy every moment of one's life....but with time....it will get better.

Hope that this gives you a little bit of peace and may God bless both of you during this time. Hang in there.....there is life after CSA! (4 short months ago....I would not have said that!) :-)


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#200253 - 01/19/08 05:43 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Riptide X,

Hi....my BF is a survivor of CSA and since I am not a survivor myself, I can not post in the Male Survivor Public Forum, but I did read your post.

I think one of the guys suggested that you encourage your wife to read and post in the Family and Friends section. I think that is a wonderful idea. I would even be happy to have you give her my name on this site and she can send me private messages if she would like. Or, I could even meet her in the Family and Friends chat room sometime.

I am relatively new to all of this too, and I hope you can each have a little love, understanding and compassion for one another right now.

About 4 months ago, when I found out that my BF had been abused by his older brother, this topic consumed our lives. I too, like your wife, just thought that he should get over it. But now, I am beginning to understand that it is a long, long, slow, slow process.

But, I would like to tell both you and your wife that I think it does get better in time.

It will take a lot of work on your part and a lot of work and understanding on hers. I know there were and still are times when I think that this CSA and even this site consumes way too much of his time. We women like to have our men paying attention to us you know.....and sometimes....it is hard when they are consumed in something else. Sometimes I have to gently remind him that there is more to life than all of this pain and sorrow of dealing with his CSA.

So, for us, we had to come to some kind of a compromise and maybe the two of you can even work on a deal like that???? We agreed that on the weekends we are rarely going to spend time talking about the abuse and not spend as much time on Male Survivor and make that time more our own....like it used to be before all of this surfaced.

I think it has been better for both of us....as they say....everything in moderation. I know in the beginning the thoughts and feelings occupy every moment of one's life....but with time....it will get better.

Hope that this gives you a little bit of peace and may God bless both of you during this time. Hang in there.....there is life after CSA! (4 short months ago....I would not have said that!) :-)


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#200308 - 01/19/08 10:28 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Lou]
weapher Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
My wife and I separated for 3 weeks back in June. The struggles for me where getting so overwhelming and trying to deal with my issues and keep her happy was impossible. There was no intention of divorce, just a time for me to get away from her pressure and the struggles she had and find some clarity in my own mind as to the path I needed to go down.

Since then she found a counselor that is helping her understand my issues and helping her with hers... adult child of alcoholics, parentified child, abandonment issues...etc...

I don't know your situation but encourage you to discuss with your wife how big this issue is for you. She may not get it, but as responded previously, your first priority is you man. What helped my wife is that she began to realize, as I was able to get my issues dealt with, that our relationship could only improve.

just some ramblings

weapher

_________________________
Facing the struggle makes you strong.

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#200314 - 01/20/08 12:39 AM Re: [Re: weapher]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 01:48 AM)

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#200385 - 01/20/08 01:00 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: tartugas]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Riptide,

That's rough stuff, man. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through all that. I think one of the worst things we can hear is "It was a long time ago. Why don't you just get over it?" The problem is that many times the people who say that have no idea how cruel and dismissive it is; they genuinely think "getting over it" is an option.

What your wife needs to understand is that you are not choosing this pain. It's there whether you like it or not, and you cannot turn it off and on like flicking a light switch. Asking "why not just get over it" is like asking someone with a broken leg why they don't just get up and walk.

The thing about "lots of people have worse problems" is that this argument is no argument at all. It's of course true that others are also suffering in the world, but their pain is not mine and mine does not become less of a burden to me just because others are also suffering. Ask you wife if she would tell a friend with a broken leg (to pursue that example), "Just get over it and walk; people are starving in Africa."

One thing I would really suggest is that you two need to talk about all this, perhaps with your T. It needs to come out onto the table so both of you can say how you feel without feeling compelled to water things down, but the time to do that isn't when both of you are raging. Find a moment when you are both at ease and have time to listen and respond to each other calmly.

Ken Singer gave me a cool comparative example for this recently. It's when a rainstorm hits that I get to discover that the roof is leaking, but that's not the time to go up and fix it. I need to find a time when it's sunny and clear, I have all the tools I need, and the time is available to make the repairs.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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