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#200021 - 01/17/08 10:26 PM Real bad today
Riptide X Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 36
my wife told me she is sick fo hearing about my problems said i am 33 years old alreayd it happened a long time ago, and i should just get over it already, there are people who have a lot worst problems


we got into a huge fight, i was so upset when i got off the phone i felt like going nuts, if i had access to drugs at the moment i would have done some, i did start smoking cigarettes again have not had a cigarette in about 10 years.

i could not believe how insensitive she could be.

basically i been going through some major depression in past few months because i been getting flashbacks i went through therapy about 2 years ago and things were getting better, but i told her i cannot help it came back what do you want me to? it not like i can control it? she made me feel like total shit

thanks for listening

i came from a real shitty family with very little support and a lot of mental disease in my family, if i had access to drugs i tell you i would definitely take some now


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#200023 - 01/17/08 10:44 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I am very sorry for you. It is not easy and I really feel for you. The nightmares is what took me over the edge and now am dealing with them almost every night. So I do know what you are going through.

The wife issue I don't know what to tell you. My GF is supportive of me and is helping me.

I really feel you have to do what is right for you. You are the most important issue right now. I would suggest getting back in therapy so you can deal with your issues.

WE are all hear for you.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#200024 - 01/17/08 10:48 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: KENKEN]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
It is very hard for people who have not experienced this to understand how huge it is and how out of control you feel. I am so sorry you got dumped on like that. Give her time. Maybe counseling with both of you and a therapist would be helpful.

Roger


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#200025 - 01/17/08 10:57 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Freedom49]
Riptide X Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 36
thanks all


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#200060 - 01/18/08 08:14 AM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
NoOneImportant Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 36
Wow, that could be a tran>


Edited by NoOneImportant (01/18/08 08:16 AM)

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#200081 - 01/18/08 11:46 AM Re: Real bad today [Re: Riptide X]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Riptide X
...if i had access to drugs i tell you i would definitely take some now

I know the feeling. In my opinion, the only drug that helps in those situations is clonazepam (Klonopin). It is prescribed for anxiety and panic, and sometimes for seizures. Using benzodiazepines as a sole means of anxiety control is generally not a good idea, rather they should be used in conjuncion with breathing exercises and meditation.

My current standing with this type of medication is that it is very, very beneficial in helping me cope with stress. I get stressed out very easily, and taking one of these before a stressful event takes a lot of the "bite" out of the whole day.

I apologize if this is not news to you, and I am certainly not saying that you should be taking medication or anything like that.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#200101 - 01/18/08 01:45 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: cbfull]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Maybe some of the guys here can find us the recent "Just Get Over It" themed posts. As I recall, their nature might be of use to Riptide. I'll do some digging too.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#200103 - 01/18/08 02:02 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Found this in Poetry by Bobby:

When I "just get over it" will it suddenly stop hurting
Will that heavy place in my chest suddenly go away
Will I not cry at odd times, not knowing why tears are streaming down my cheeks
Will I not envy/be happy for/be fearful for laughing children all at the same time

When I "just get over it" will I forget he didn't love me
Will the look of disappointment in his eyes go away
Will I forget that he never said he loved me
Will I be able to walk by my closet without seeing myself hiding there inside

When I " just get over it" will the drugs I'm on for depression suddenly not be necessary
Will I suddenly develop wonderful self-esteem
Will my sexuality suddenly be clear to me
Will I not be shy, not be afraid of men

When I "just get over it" will daisies spring up around my feet when I walk
Will the sun come out bright every single morning
Will birds sing sweetly as I go out to get into my car to go to work
Will everyone smile and wave to me as I drive down the street

Hmmmm............sounds really good to me

I think I'll "just get over it"
_________________________

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#200122 - 01/18/08 05:31 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I would NOT depend on her for support. This is not to imply that she doesn't care about you, I'm sure that she does, but she simply lacks the knowledge to help you. At the same time, don't shut her out, but you need to stop thinking that she knows how to handle the very complex issues that CSA brings up in our lives.

Some things are best said only in the company of a trained, experienced, and competent therapist, or with other survivors who might have a clue with what you're going through. In my experience, non-survivors lack the knowledge that is needed discuss the issue in a SUPPORTIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE way.


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#200129 - 01/18/08 06:43 PM Re: Real bad today [Re: Hauser]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Riptide,

I'm really sorry that you're having to fight off the pressure and disapproval of your wife. It's all to common a theme for many of us. In some ways I feel a little fortunate that my marriage fell apart before I really started doing this healing, which should tell you just how messed up my relationship was to begin with.

I wanted to second what Hauser said. Our spouses/partners can't go back in time and make things right. And from their point of view, sometimes it seems totally unfair that the awesome person they fell in love with and is trying to live with in the now is still so often trapped by the pain of things that happened so long ago. It sounds like she wants nothing to do with this site, but have you asked her if she'd be willing to check out the Friends and Family forum? Maybe if she sees that this is not unique, or simple situation she may soften her attitude slightly. If nothing else she'll have contact with some people who are struggling with the same issues.

In any event, moving forward, it's important that you continue to monitor youself and try as hard as possible not to lean too much on her for support right now. What's she's saying (poorly) is that she's not strong enough to carry the weight you're putting on her. That's not a reflection on either her virtue or your motives, it's simply a statement of fact. Maybe you guys could agree to try and have an abuse free hour (I was about to say weekend, but that might be pushing it). This does not require you to "deny" or "get over" you abuse, but merely to try and take a brief break from the processing and spend an hour on her. Do something sweet for her, give her a massage or go for a walk and hold her hand. DON'T try to have sex! Guys feel intimate after sex - that's just as true for guys who haven't been abused as it is for us. Women don't think that way, as a matter of fact, they;re just the opposite, they want sex (normally) only after building up a sense of intimacy. This is not a time for sex. This is a time for rebuilding a connection that's been strained. Just spend a little bit of time focussed on her and try to SHOW her (as opposed to telling her) how much you desire her love and how much you care for her.

I know it won't be easy, but hey, at least you will have something besides the abuse to focus on. You don't need to apologize for anything, and I wouldn't even try to. Just do something nice for her. Remember, you haven't done the crime here, your doing your best to continue to survive and heal. But right now the person who did abuse you is continuing their abuse and damaging your family. The best way to fight that is to not let you abuser walk into your marriage. This is one of those things that requires courage and guts on your part, because it means that you're going to have to take the pain and the hurt and the anxiety all on your shoulders. It's going to hurt, and it's going to feel scary, but I'm willing to bet that if you can give her an hour of you in the present, focussed on her that you'll soon find it a little easier to focus on her.

TRy it, what have you got to lose?

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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