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#201143 - 01/24/08 02:03 PM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: Freedom49]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Guys,

Looks like it's time for another reply on this one. My thoughts are still the same as my previous reply on this topic but the further additions to this thread are too special to go unreplied \:\)


Ken
It's an absolute tragedy that you had told your mom about what was happening and the fact that she failed to protect you. Not only that, but she didn't believe you. It concerns me though that you say you should've been more persistent and told more people. Stop blaming yourself Ken! It's no wonder to me why you hadn't told anyone else after you weren't believed in telling your mom. She probably helped to perpetuate the lies and the shame that you felt.

I think the first and most important step is to start believing that you aren't as bad of a person as you've probably thought you were your entire life. Recognize that pain that he went through, validate it, and through doing so you can help him [yourself] start realizing you're a person of great worth and value, and that you actually DID everything you could, and more when you were younger to try and protect yourself. You're looking back on this with adult logic. You have to recognize the limited knowledge and reason that HE was working with at the time. I wish you all the best with that.


Rick
I should say that I've never really put on the 'tough guy' persona either, at least in terms of physicality. With my feelings, however, I certainly have tried time and time again to just swallow it down and hold it in and make like nothing is going on. I've become quite skilled at it.

Like I said to Ken, it saddens me so much just how much it takes for someone to listen to a child. While Ken actually verbalized to his mum that he had been abused, it sounds as though you did things very similarly and tried to get your pain noticed in countless ways... none of which was never listened to.

I am glad you got that healing moment with your mum after all this time. Thanks for your input on this thread, it's been great \:\)


Weapher
I'm glad you took the time to read through it \:\) Hope you got much out of the post and subsequent replies!


Jarrad
I can't bullet point it, no. There's just too much context to condense.


Larry
It's very interesting how many times I've heard about seeing with the heart, and validating what's coming from the heart of recent. I think that there is a message waiting to get through to me, to... start listening to my heart! Your message of 'what counts is how we feel about it' is so incredibly true and it's something I think I've finally learned after all this time.

Also, your explanation of how 'regular' vs 'traumatic' memories are stored... I think this finally makes sense to me. I'm a database programmer and your explanation actually make perfect logical sense. I am pretty sure this has been explained to me on several occasions and while I got the general idea, I think you articulated it in such a way that I finally 'get' the full idea! I think I am really understanding now why I have been stuck for so damn long feeling like a child.


delta
So glad you made that promise. That little guy in your avatar doesn't deserve that kind of fate. I'm going to start taking better care of the little guy in my avatar now that I've come to a peace about him.


Roger, and anyone else who has gotten something out of this thread,
That's why I wrote it in the first place. Not only to help me figure it out (which it did in leaps and bounds thanks to the many reples here), but for everyone else to be able to read through and gather something from it. I am so grateful for how the thread turned out. Quite far beyond my expectations actually. This has been one of those threads where I've learned so much about myself and how I am feeling about my experiences. I'm honoured and encouraged to hear it has helped you and others as well. It's really uplifting \:\)

I suspect I'll be reading through this thread more in the future myself. I'm glad stuff on this board sticks around for so long \:\)

Much gratitude to everyone who contributed to this thread,
~Brian


_________________________
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#203531 - 02/04/08 02:09 PM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: Freedom49]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Just responding to this to 'bump' it, so I can read it all fully without losing where it is.

VN


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#203542 - 02/04/08 04:05 PM . [Re: Freedom49]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:12 PM)

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#203555 - 02/04/08 05:45 PM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: bardo213]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
lynchmob,

The initial post was in reference to several conflicting thoughts and feelings I had towards the subject of the Inner Child.

I have since then found a significant peace about this in my mind, per my apologetically lengthy reply to this thread on 18/01/08.

I realize that reply is hideously long, so let me just highlight a few things from it that I think very much coincide with your feelings on the inner child.

"when dealing with trauma we need to deal with the thoughts and feelings that surrounded that trauma. In this case we need to essentially recognize and validate the child that was hurt on the child's level because if we try to throw a bunch of adult-level logic and reason at a hurting child, it simply won't be understood. This doesn't mean reliving and re-experiencing the trauma to appropriately deal with it, it just simply means recognizing what that child, what I, went through and how that child, how I, felt about it at the time."

Also, later on I said, I guess what I'm saying is that, being skeptical is okay. It's allowed. But understanding that it was the child who was hurt and as such I need to heal the child -- that makes sense to me. I can do this all by being a functional adult."

This thread was a great source of personal growth for me. Reading through it and all of the thoughts and everything I really managed to bring to the light and process each one of those conflicting views and understand where my fears and thoughts were coming from.

Once I got all that figured out, I think I made a great breakthrough in therapy the following week. I actually posted in extreme detail about it on the members' side but decided not to share that here on the public side. Essentially, however, I found Little Brian hiding inside a very symbolic 'wall of resistance'. It has been an interesting few days since that discovery. I'm actually glad this thread got bumped because I have just rummaged back through it again and see how all of this led up to my breakthrough on Friday.

Anyways, thank you for posting here; I was so torn on this subject when I first posted about it... and the amount of 'mental peace' that I managed to derive from this thread is nothing short of miraculous.

Cheers,
~Brian

_________________________
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#203562 - 02/04/08 06:26 PM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: frost]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Brian,

I too could write volums on this subject, but my thoughts are not as clear as yours are, so... maybe later.

What sticks out in my mind after reading through this thread for the first time is that on four seperate occasions you mentioned 'breakthroughs' in your recovery. I'm not sure what a breakthrough looks like. Can you elaborate what, in your mind, constitutes a breakthrough?

Just curious...

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#203567 - 02/04/08 07:04 PM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: Lazarus]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Ric,

A 'breakthrough' to me is to establish connection with something I previously wasn't connected to. In all cases they typically lead to a massive realization or finding peace on a particular subject. For example, finding a way to put an old lie to rest and finally recognize and believe the truth, rather than all the lies that previously surrounded and obscured that truth.

Oftentimes we're caught up in looking for 'big things' to call a breakthrough. However, I find that method of thinking to be discouraging because 'big things' don't happen terribly often [though, they have for me recently]. Never the less, I think it's important to celebrate even the little things and validate them and call them breakthroughs no matter how small or insignificant they may seem.

Some of my 'breakthroughs' from the past year are:

  • Establishing a feeling that I am worth healing, and deserve healing.
  • Reconnecting with family by finally telling them about the abuse.
  • Finding my voice, and being able to actually TALK openly about sexual abuse.
  • Realizing how innocent I was as a child when the abuse started.
  • Beginning to understand and grasp the simplicity of children in general.
  • Recognizing my abuser knew exactly what he was doing the first time it happened.
  • Understanding how much I have been neglecting and beating up on myself emotionally for so many years.
  • Coming to peace with conflicting thoughts about the term, 'inner child' that previously had me very torn up and not progressing.
  • Finally getting a clear picture of the child inside, and how hurt he is and how much pain and anger there is.


These are but a few of the triumphs that have happened in the last year of recovery for me. That wasn't even touching on all the things that happened at the WoR for me... establishing trust for the first time, opening up for the first time....

Breakthrough, triumph, same diff. By this definition Lazarus, have you had any 'breakthroughs' of your own?

~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#203603 - 02/04/08 10:19 PM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: frost]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Yes, Brian, by these definitions I have had several breakthroughs. I appreciate you helping me see them for what they really are.

I AM worth healing and I deserve healing.
I recognize now how innocent I was when my abuse started.
I know my abusers knew what they were doing when they did it.
I have neglected and beat myself up emotionally for years.

Some of the other points you made are close to my feelings, with some clarification;

My abuse was outside my family (thank God) so it was easier for me to tell them about it later, as an adult. They were sympathetic and supportive, and helped me find my voice to tell other people who were important to me.

By the time I started to deal with my own abuse I had kids of my own. I always understood their innocence and their vulnerabilities, and I almost overcompensated in trying to protect them. Eventually, I realized that the truth was the best defense I could give them, and I did that. They are safe from the kind of seduction I fell victim to. There are lots of dangers for kids out there and no parent can keep their kids completely safe, unless you confine them to their rooms. And then what do you have? A kid who is totally defensless as an adult. Teaching our kids is the hardest job anyone ever had because it's a combination of telling them what they need to know and then trusting them to make the right choices. It's maddening, I'll tell you.

I don't know about my Inner Child. The last time I spoke about him was with a T, it ended in tears and I never saw that T again. I tend to believe that my Inner Child is just a part of the adult me; he's the one who came up with some of the silly feelings I deal with to this day. I know it's not his fault, and I don't hold any ill will towards him. He's a part of me, he's my past, my history. As Larry said, the traumatic things that happened to me when I was a child are all jumbled up in my memory. I can understand that. But I don't see how pretending to be the boy that went through all that can help the adult he became.

But I digress. Some of the things I consider to be breakthroughs, now that you mention it, include;

Telling my wife I was gay. My abuser made me think that it was something I should hide and never tell anyone. When I finally told her, my whole world changed (for the better).

Somewhere along the line, I discovered that not everyone who showed any interest in being my friend wanted to have sex with me. That proved that maybe I was good for something besides a sex toy. That was significant in my recovery.

My husband Kent showed me that he loved me for me, not for what I could do for him, not because he needed me but because he wanted me. That was significant, not only because maybe he was the first one to show me but maybe because he was the first one with whom I was prepared to believe it.

Finally, with the help of all the guys here on MS, I finally accepted that maybe I wasn't to blame for all the bad things that I did when I was a kid. This is the most significant thing of all, because I would not, could not ever be whole while I carried all of that guilt and shame. I know that what happened was not a good thing, but I now know that it wasn't my fault. I could not have reasonably be expected to do anything different, given the circumstances. The biggest breakthrough of my life has been to forgive myself.

Thank you Brian, and all the rest who have contributed to this thread, for helping me put this in perspective. We all know that healing is a slow process and any milestones that we can find along the way help to encourage us to continue down the path. Thank you for helping me see the milestones and to realize that yes, I have made progress in my journey.

Thank YOU.

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#203628 - 02/05/08 03:44 AM Re: The Process/Inner Child [Re: Lazarus]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Ric,

It was great to read through all of your breakthroughs... and I am so glad you now can see your breakthroughs and as such, you can celebrate them \:\)

You are most welcome Ric, I've really enjoyed getting to know you in the little bits that I have through this site.

All the best,
~Brian

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