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#19995 - 05/14/03 11:33 PM Nothing Like India Pale Ale & Lexapro!
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Really pumps your mood up!

You know I'm thinkin maybe I should have named this my online diary?

Do you ever think,

"Maybe this isn't from the abuse?"

"Maybe it's because I really am whacked out."

"Maybe I'm just lookin for somethin to blame other than my self?"

"Maybe being totally numb all the time isn't so bad after all?"

"Maybe losing a sixty dollar watch you just bought, should set you off into depression?"

Oh... Here's a good one...

"Maybe your therapist ISN'T trustworthy?"

"Maybe God/Allah/whomever intended things this way?"

Ya gotta wonder what sort of sick joke is being played in the universe and why you're the brunt of it? Or maybe not... After all why should you rate?

Sorry all... particularly rough night for me. Not entirely sure why, but like it or not I've brought you all along for the ride!

The temptation for the cigs and the crystal is quite high right now. Love those familiar self-destructive habits. (Feel free to jump in anywhere :p )


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#19996 - 05/15/03 08:37 AM Re: Nothing Like India Pale Ale & Lexapro!
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Do you ever think,
"Maybe this isn't from the abuse?"
Quote:
"Maybe it's because I really am whacked out."
Marc,

I find myself thinking, "Is this really only because of the abuse? Is this really me thinking this? Is this really my emotion? Well, who exactly is this "me" character, anyway?

Quote:
"Maybe I'm just lookin for somethin to blame other than my self?"
Yup. Sometimes I think everything I do, reading books, therapy, coming here, going to Al Anon and SIA, is really just me trying to run away from "his" emotions and problems. But he always tags along anyway. I think Jeff (zadok1) has a tagline from Einstein about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


Quote:
"Maybe being totally numb all the time isn't so bad after all?"
It does seem to have advantages, but maybe the long term disadvantages are too much. I really don't know. When I start the overwrought-->numb--> overwrought cycle, I appreciate the "down time" being numb a little more, I guess.

Quote:
"Maybe your therapist ISN'T trustworthy?"
Oooh, I can't touch that one. I do think she's trustworthy, but maybe I don't trust myself enough to really dig into this stuff. I don't know. But that's a thought (she's not trustworthy) that I won't entertain.

Quote:
"Maybe God/Allah/whomever intended things this way?"
I think He intended for the perps to have their own free wills. I think they abused that privilege when they chose to hurt us, whether they had been victims themselves or not.

I'm fortunate that the abuse was not related to church, religion, etc. There are times when it's only religion that keeps me from making things worse.

You probably posted hoping to see something more positive, and then I came along. I seem to be pissing and moaning all the time anymore. Sorry.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19997 - 05/15/03 11:59 AM Re: Nothing Like India Pale Ale & Lexapro!
josephd Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 23
Loc: US
Hey Marc,

God can I ever relate to exactly what you're saying my friend. But somehow, I think what you're saying hits things dead on for me. The way I see it now is regardless of whether I'm a certain way from the abuse or not... I don't think I'll ever know that, and I don't think it matters anymore. The biggest point to me is that my SO took that freedom from me, to be able to distinguish what's from the abuse... and what would have just been that way. I'll never know that now.

So, I don't blame myself for things anymore. I had a great moment last night actually. I started to get upset about something... and I said to myself, "Wait, hold on. Does it have to be this way right this moment? Do I have to be upset about this, right at this moment? Can I get passed this moment?"

And you know what, I did. I changed it, right in that moment, I changed it. Our SO's have left us in the situation to never know about certain things, but I think we can take that power back. I'm taking it moment by moment now, and it seems to be working!

Stay strong man, you're worth it.. we all our, and this confusion isn't our fault. That's one thing you can be sure of, the confusion is from your abuse. Moment by moment my friend.

jd

_________________________
"We will either find a way or make one."

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#19998 - 05/15/03 12:47 PM Re: Nothing Like India Pale Ale & Lexapro!
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Joe and Joe? \:D :rolleyes: ,

Thank you both. I made it through last night ok. Passed out on my bed after a whopping 4 beers. (This down from about a case a week at my height so this is an accomplishment I guess?!)

Ugh, lately it seems that once a week, almost like clockwork something will set me off and I'll spiral down into a depressive episode. While it is better than an entire week which is where I used to be, it's gotten harder to handle. I'm not sure if this is my mind/body's way of holding on to an old pattern of behavior that has become familiar, a side effect of the meds or some new effect of cutting the alchohol, cigs and drugs out of my life.

I mentioned earlier that, "I'm thinkin maybe I should have named this my online diary?". It's possible that this is what lifts my mood again. I wake up and pour myself a cuppa 'joe' (sorry) \:D , and sit down at the pc before work to read replies to my and others' posts. I come home from work at night and chat or write here. Work appears to be a big downer anymore. Same job for 5 years and I've gotten so I really don't care about it any. Only problem is, it pays enough to live on (here in San Fran) and with the economy the way it is right now and worse my own defeatest self-esteem I feel trapped!

You guys feel like a bright (albeit short) spark in my otherwise humdrum life. A friend of mine observed that when I call him on the phone, I always greet him with, "Hi, It's only Marc (Or it's only me). I wish I could break myself of the only part. I wish I could think of my self as a worthwhile person to talk to. I'm trying but I constantly seem to forget.

You guys do help though. ;\)

Thanks!


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#19999 - 05/15/03 06:57 PM Re: Nothing Like India Pale Ale & Lexapro!
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i pray every day that i'm just crazy......i just so wish that were true......michael


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