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#199435 - 01/14/08 12:24 PM Tough Night
MDR Offline

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
I can't stand it when my body starts to feel those feelings again. My mind races and I can't stop thinking about the past and how much I've lost. I feel like that eleven year old boy. I feel scared, my stomach feels sick, I vomit and I can't control my thoughts.

When I'm in that zone, I feel like running, but I can't anymore. There is no place to go. Starting over will not help anything. It will only make me regress and will only serve as a band aid to cover things up for a while.

I want to rip my skin off because I can't stand myself. Sometimes, the act of revenge is the only solace that I have. It makes me calm for a while. If I can only get revenge and then vanish...maybe I'll be calm and serene. Please God...I can't stand this shit anymore. I feel dirty and this stuff just festers inside and it doesn't go away.

Crying helps for a while. People just don't understand it. You guys understand. Thats what matters. You guys understand. Nobody else does. Fuck...this stuff hurts bad. I know it will go away. It's a process for me. I understand, but when it hits, man, it hits hard. Gotta stay strong. Thanks for listening, guys.

#199469 - 01/14/08 05:23 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: MDR]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Hang in ther MDR. you won't believe it now but it does get better. Talking bout it helps, Writing bout it helps. Crying even helps. YOu lost a lot. But you still have much that they could not touch. Come here frequently. It helps.


#199555 - 01/15/08 12:08 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: Freedom49]
MDR Offline

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48

Thanks for the encouragement. Bad days and good days are part of it. I'm working hard. Its a roller coaster ride. Last night, I was feeling so good. I felt like I could accomplish things that I want in life...goals. It was a great feeling. I felt "normal." The stuff wasn't there. I love that feeling. Thanks again.

#199561 - 01/15/08 12:52 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: MDR]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
MDR, I understand you. Sometimes I also want to leave my body for whatever price it can take. And body hatred is still hunting me.

You are not alone.


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#199600 - 01/15/08 04:17 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: alexey]
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
It's ok dude,

Some nights, I feel the excatly same way.

Other nights I feel top of the world,

And some night I not feel anything at all.

Barsk in the good nights, and sleep well.

If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!



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