You're in the right place. I just got here myself, and I understand. Completely. There are many here who will be able to listen and give help and advice. Definitely get therapy if you can, I'm still working on getting some myself, but I know it'll be a huge help once I do.
When I say I understand, I really do. I was hurt when I was very young. 6 or 7, my childhood is a haze as well. I was hurt again when I was a big older 9 or 10 I think, by someone else, and that time I didn't even remember until a few short years ago. This memory of an incident kept coming to mind, and I always sort of pushed it away, but one day while I was at work, I stopped myself and took a minute to ponder on why this memory seemed to pop up randomly now and again. It was like I had passed through a barrier. The realization of the memory and what it meant hit me hard, and it took every ounce of strength that I had to not completely fall apart right there at my desk.
Somewhere in there I in turn hurt someone that I love dearly. We have a positive relationship today, but it's always there. Like you, as I got older it stopped. I realized it was wrong and couldn't continue. But the pain and hurt is still there. Definitely been over 20 years for me as well, and like I mentioned, I just got here. I was doing some reading and various studies and reports etc, and the findings said that most people are in there mid to late 30's before they being seeking help, so it seems that 20ish years is pretty common.
Hang in there. Help is here, and I don't think you'll find anyone here who will hate you.
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