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#199435 - 01/14/08 12:24 PM Tough Night
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
I can't stand it when my body starts to feel those feelings again. My mind races and I can't stop thinking about the past and how much I've lost. I feel like that eleven year old boy. I feel scared, my stomach feels sick, I vomit and I can't control my thoughts.

When I'm in that zone, I feel like running, but I can't anymore. There is no place to go. Starting over will not help anything. It will only make me regress and will only serve as a band aid to cover things up for a while.

I want to rip my skin off because I can't stand myself. Sometimes, the act of revenge is the only solace that I have. It makes me calm for a while. If I can only get revenge and then vanish...maybe I'll be calm and serene. Please God...I can't stand this shit anymore. I feel dirty and this stuff just festers inside and it doesn't go away.

Crying helps for a while. People just don't understand it. You guys understand. Thats what matters. You guys understand. Nobody else does. Fuck...this stuff hurts bad. I know it will go away. It's a process for me. I understand, but when it hits, man, it hits hard. Gotta stay strong. Thanks for listening, guys.


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#199469 - 01/14/08 05:23 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: MDR]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Hang in ther MDR. you won't believe it now but it does get better. Talking bout it helps, Writing bout it helps. Crying even helps. YOu lost a lot. But you still have much that they could not touch. Come here frequently. It helps.

Roger


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#199555 - 01/15/08 12:08 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: Freedom49]
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
Freedom,

Thanks for the encouragement. Bad days and good days are part of it. I'm working hard. Its a roller coaster ride. Last night, I was feeling so good. I felt like I could accomplish things that I want in life...goals. It was a great feeling. I felt "normal." The stuff wasn't there. I love that feeling. Thanks again.


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#199561 - 01/15/08 12:52 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: MDR]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
MDR, I understand you. Sometimes I also want to leave my body for whatever price it can take. And body hatred is still hunting me.

You are not alone.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
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When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#199600 - 01/15/08 04:17 PM Re: Tough Night [Re: alexey]
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
It's ok dude,

Some nights, I feel the excatly same way.

Other nights I feel top of the world,

And some night I not feel anything at all.

Barsk in the good nights, and sleep well.

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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