I been awake the whole night again. I had another really bad nightmare and it freaked me out. I just wish this stuff would go away and leave me be for just a few nights so i can get some sleep. I can't stop shakin since i woke up. I watched a movie but turned out to be even sadder than my life. (Blood Diamond) I'm very nervous about going back to sleep and i always do this....... i try to stay awake until i am physically not able to and i just hope that i'll be so tired that i wont have any nightmares or if i do then i wont wake up from them or remember them. sometimes it works. most of the time it doesnt.
i wish i could figure out some way not to feel so bad all the time. i dont understand what my purpose is except to be all fucked up and miserable. again, i always say this, but its just not fair. i didnt do anythin to deserve this and it just really upsets me so much. why does this have to be so hard? i try with everythin i got to just move forward but i feel like somethin keeps pushin me back.
i woke up my grandpa at bout 1am. actually i was freakin out and screamin and that woke him up. we went and sat in the dining room and talked for a little while. he made me cream of wheat which i sooo sooo hate, but i never have the heart to tell him cause i think he just likes makin me breakfast. lol
sometimes i feel like a burden on my grandpa. actually i feel like that almost all the time. i mean, my grandmom has old timers disease and he's got enough to worry bout and he's got enough problems takin care of her. i just feel like i add to the mountain. he says that isnt true, but i know when people get to be grandparents, they aint supposed to be raisin kids all over agin. i mean, i think if u live long enough to be a granparent, then u kinda earned the right to have it easy.
i dunno. i got so many things runnin through my head right now and i'm just typing. i know i'm rambling on and all, and i'm sorry. i'm just a freak like that! hey, atleast i can admit i'm a freak.
oh well. gonna read some more posts and hopefully i'll be able to sleep after. see ya!