I been awake the whole night again. I had another really bad nightmare and it freaked me out. I just wish this stuff would go away and leave me be for just a few nights so i can get some sleep. I can't stop shakin since i woke up. I watched a movie but turned out to be even sadder than my life. (Blood Diamond) I'm very nervous about going back to sleep and i always do this....... i try to stay awake until i am physically not able to and i just hope that i'll be so tired that i wont have any nightmares or if i do then i wont wake up from them or remember them. sometimes it works. most of the time it doesnt.

i wish i could figure out some way not to feel so bad all the time. i dont understand what my purpose is except to be all fucked up and miserable. again, i always say this, but its just not fair. i didnt do anythin to deserve this and it just really upsets me so much. why does this have to be so hard? i try with everythin i got to just move forward but i feel like somethin keeps pushin me back.

i woke up my grandpa at bout 1am. actually i was freakin out and screamin and that woke him up. we went and sat in the dining room and talked for a little while. he made me cream of wheat which i sooo sooo hate, but i never have the heart to tell him cause i think he just likes makin me breakfast. lol

sometimes i feel like a burden on my grandpa. actually i feel like that almost all the time. i mean, my grandmom has old timers disease and he's got enough to worry bout and he's got enough problems takin care of her. i just feel like i add to the mountain. he says that isnt true, but i know when people get to be grandparents, they aint supposed to be raisin kids all over agin. i mean, i think if u live long enough to be a granparent, then u kinda earned the right to have it easy.

i dunno. i got so many things runnin through my head right now and i'm just typing. i know i'm rambling on and all, and i'm sorry. i'm just a freak like that! hey, atleast i can admit i'm a freak. oh well. gonna read some more posts and hopefully i'll be able to sleep after. see ya!

I can relate to how you're feeling, Jason. I grew up with my grandparents too, and when I was older I felt so grateful that they would give up their later years for my sister and I. I think he must love you very much, so of course he would take care of you -- he would probably do anything for you, even give his life. He's old enough to say if he couldn't take care anymore, so trust that if he doesn't say anything, he can and wants to do it!

Maybe one time you could cook breakfast for him, and he might get the idea about what you like to eat. Heh.

Sorry you had a tough time sleeping. I hope you got back to bed okay.

I'm sorry you are having to experience such pain from healing.
It seems healing would feel better.
Sorting all of the confusion in my mind has not been easy and I wish that the personal answers that have come to me could all be shared with those of us who have been brutalized by self-centered people.

I was raised by my Grandfather too, he lost his wife just a couple of years before and all of a sudden he had 3 toddlers
ages 4,5, & 6 to raise. He never grumbled as far as I know
and I know that I wouldn't either. Our lineage is important to us and nurturing and caring for our offspring regardless of where on the line they are, is our human responsibility. our biological need that apparently some have a disconnect from.
The times my children have woken me in the middle of the night helped me to feel the satisfaction of nurturing. I'm doing what a responsible, loving parent does and I relish that feeling. Our parents missed that. They will never know how satisfying it can be to hold you child and know they feel loved and comforted.

Your grandfather offered you cream of wheat as a gesture of love that I understand, warm cream of wheat is a comforting food to me as it probably is to him. I see that he was trying to comfort you because he loves you.
I'm happy that you are with your grandfather. I'm happy for your grandfather that he has you. He is nurturing your grandmother but she probably isn't as responsive as you. I 'm sure that you let your grandfather know that you appreciate his love. You are both in a painful place, him with the loss of his wife and you with the loss of an innocent childhood.

Be kind to yourself!!!

Jason:

I so know how you feel regarding nightmares. I seem to have them almost nightly.

How ever, through my T,I went to a 3 week course for trauma/therapy and PTSD. It really helped me alot.

Just a suggestion to ask your T if he/she knows about these classes. You might be able to enroll. The class teaches you how to ground yourself and what to do b/4 you fall asleep. It doesn't always take aware the nightmares, but it lessons the blow and you can in a short time go back to sleep.

Lots of luck in your healing.

Ken

Joey,

I'm sorry you've had another nightmare, but I'm glad you were able to be with your grandfather afterward. Like people have said, I'm sure he loves you and wants to help comfort you.

If you don't tell 'em about the Cream of Wheat, at least next time add some sugar.

Keith