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#76481 - 05/28/01 09:24 AM Finding God after abuse, during recovery
Anonymous
Unregistered


Jesus said to his disciples: "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.
Luke 17:1-2

For most of the last 9 years I have looked at this as a reason to hate God. Asking myself, 'If that is how you truly feel God, why do you let this go on?' I am very angry at God... I feel betrayed, abandoned and bitter.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11-12

Yeah, right!? I have been harmed, I have no hope and the future doesn't require shades! If God is all powerful, all knowing, why doesn't his word ring true in my life? Why am I held accountable for another man's sin? Why doesn't he lend a helping hand?

My thoughts about God are twisted with self-pity and expectations that God will do what he can not. He can not make ME do what is right. He can not make anyone do what is right before him. If he did, then who would righteous? If he did, would we really love him?

Although I understand with my mind the undeniable logic and truth of his word, my heart is bitter. I have left God more than a dozen times in the last 9 years. I have told him I hated him, ignored his laws and done things to intentionally hurt him. I have surfed pornography on the web, even to the point of viewing images of children. The worst thing is, I allowed -- no, made -- myself to like it. Rather than leaning into the pain and working through it, I've made great efforts to run from it and indulge in the very sin that destroyed who I could have been.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I have never sexually abused any child. I am way too much of a coward to do that. I suppose I could easily lie to you all and say that "I would never do such a thing. After all, my life has shown me how it damages and destroys." But the truth of the matter is that the only reason I haven't comitted the same crime is because of fear of getting caught by men, and not because of reverance for God.

There once was a man lying by the healing pool in Bethesda. He had been there for 30 years! Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well and the man gave him excuses. Jesus told him to pick up his mat and walk. I want to get well, so I guess I'll have to pick up my mat and walk too -- that means I have to do something.

My hope is that I am doing it now. My prayer to the God that I completely furious with will change my heart. My only deception is to decieve myself, and in doing so, die a little more each day. I can no longer deny the truth. I must face this demon head on and hope that God slays him.

The sins hidden in my heart are only hidden from man, not from God.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."
Jeremiah 17:9-10

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
Hebrews 4:13

Jesus said that what is done in private he will shout from the rooftops. The key is openness. Everyone visiting this forum knows that. Some may try to deny it, hide from it, run from it or ignore it, but the key to healing is openness. That is what "Light" is, in the context of Jesus' teachings.

I need help struggling through my feelings about God. Does anyone have any words of encouragement? Insight?


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#76482 - 05/28/01 05:24 PM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery
Mark C Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/01
Posts: 39
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Michael...It seems as though you have had at one point, a strong relationship with God at some point...before or after your abuse I don't know. You certainly are familiar with>

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#76483 - 05/31/01 08:29 PM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery
Anonymous
Unregistered


I understand and agree with most of what you wrote. However, it will take a while for me to work through all this. I have spent much time in the word, in prayer and trying to work it out.

I did a free writing exercise last night for 30 min, wrote 3 pages. I spent another 30 min working through the first page, looking up>

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#76484 - 06/06/01 01:22 AM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
For childern it's easy for rout meory,
but the concept of adding is diffecult.

Living something from a book is easy,
the experince added to one's heart is diffecult.

Pratice letting your heart lead, compassionatelly.

fmighell Anc Ak \:D


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#76485 - 06/21/01 01:39 PM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery
Christian Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/21/01
Posts: 26
Loc: Marion IN
FOr a long time I was where you are at. I was absolutly pissed. Why if the God who created the universe can do all things why can't He stop what he hates?
The best answer I came up with was The gift he gave us. Free will. He promised never to take it away from us. This gift gives us great love and powefr, but alos great destructive capabilities. I have come to the conclusion from the bible and prayer that God would stop this, but it is in our best intrest that He doesn't.
Also something that came from my devotions is John 9:3 "Jesus answered, 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned but that the works of God should be revealed in him." God has called me so many areas, and I am of so much greater use because of what happened. I plan to work with abused children, later develop programs for adult rape victims, eventualy when I am healed enough work with pedofiles and sexual compulsive people. I would have never gone into these areas if I had not known what it was like ot be a vicitm.
All this is not to say that God enjoyed what happened. I believe that he cried mor ehtan I did, that He was hurt just as much if not more cause he felt my pain and the perps.
I don't kwow if this answers any of yoru questions, but it what I know.
Love ya dude.

_________________________
This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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#198869 - 01/10/08 12:06 AM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery [Re: Christian]
Coach Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/05/07
Posts: 28
Loc: California
I don't think we are held accountable for another man's sin. However, it sure feels that way!
Otherwise, that would be like saying I'm accountable for Adam and the choice he made. I can only speculate as to what I would have done, but I wasn't there. He is to blame, not necessarily! The effects of original sin and his decision have definetely affected my existence!

If you are interested, I'll respond to the Bible passages. It might assist us both.

Coach


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#198994 - 01/11/08 01:57 AM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery [Re: Coach]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Coach,

You may or may not get a response to your post above. All the posts in this thread except yours were made in May and June of 2001and those who made them haven't posted in 5+ years.

If anyone wants to continue this discussion please feel free. I just felt obligated to point out a possible reason why response may not be forthcoming.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#201162 - 01/24/08 04:14 PM Re: Finding God after abuse, during recovery [Re: WalkingSouth]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Well, I can relate to the origional post. My father abused me and he was a pastor/preacher/evangelist. God used him even while the abuse was going on. I REALLY struggled with this. I don't have any real answers. I did however, eventually return to God. I talked with him about it. Especially after my father died. I know that something tried and might have succeeded in destroying my father. It tried to destroy me to. However everytime I called on him he was there for me. Did he stop my father from hurting me. No. He didn't stop me from hurting others either. That was my choice. I wlll be accountable for the choices I made. Not the choices of others. I know he suffered with me and with those I hurt. Just like my dad he gave me life and I am free to do with it what ever I want. I can do good or I can do evil. Most of the time he will not interfere unless asked and even then he will not control another life just for my sake. I don't fully understand but then I am just a man and not a very good one at that. Some day I hope to understand it better.

Roger


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