I'm at my wits end and i feel like i' losing it you see i am an alcoholic who picked a drink after being soer since june of 2002 and as a result i'm consumed by crying all the time and my fiancee is torn in that she feels so pwerless.

I'm not sure how or what to do about the drinking aspect is concerned afterall i can no longer change the decision i made however my feelings/thoughts are ripping into my soul right down to my core and my fiancee has no idea what to do,as a matter of fact she and i both(myself especially) were convinced i would not ever drink again.

The abuse and the aftereffects have caused me unbearable pain therefore i,too am powerless to do anything about how i can go one from here,by no means am i suicidle but i think it sounds pretty good at times at least it will take away the inner turmoil i deal withn everyday.


I hate my emotions and the power they have had on me the last 6 days(last friday night i drank)and i'm not sure if i will pick up in the future,i have a wedding to plan and september is around the corner.

Am i making any sense(although at this point it makes sense to me and ultimately thats all that matters in the end anyway)

Who knows why or how long the abuse i am dealing with in therapy will get to the point where i can live a semi normal life(what ever "normal" is)otherwise i could lose it and hurt those in my life mentally and emotionally that would kill me to even consider.

Have any of you ever gone through similiar circumstances and if so how did you deal with it to have some kind form of peace.

I'm better off thinking its alot easier to say fuck it and "run" then it is to deal with the pain.

I go to AA but not as much as i know i shoulds however it's to emotional for me and i know it's not about the booze it's about the underlying causes and conditions (sexual abuse,verbal,and physical) that forced me to drink in the first place....who knows how long the eomotional pain ill be in but if it does not end or subside soon i'm left with no way of knowing what will become,whatever that is,is anyones guess.I feel so sad and torn inside and talking helps me through it but i need to push myself to become that man i have always wanted to be.....PROUD AND PRODUCTIVE.....my family has no idea i drank again which i was only allowed back in their life as a result of staying sober otherwise how they act-re-act i have no control over.

Coop

Hey, Coop--
Sorry to hear that you had a lapse. I know it's a big deal to you. It doesn't have to be any bigger than it is, though.
I am not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise. My BF is, and very communicative to me about what his alcoholism, and his AA participation, have meant to him. So, while this is second-hand advice in a way, from almost four years of pretty continuous dicussion about these issues, I offer it freely for you to take or leave.
First off: can you get yourself to a meeting in a place where you might not feel so overwhelmed? I think the general idea is that the drinking should be under control before other steps are taken, and that if there's a lapse you should address sobriety first.
Also first, actually: do you have a sponsor now? If not, can you figure out how to get one? This seems to be exactly the sort of situation designed for that one-to-one support. For one thing, to depend on your fiancee and your T for support is a pretty narrow circle. It's helpful to share the wealth, so to speak, so you can get support without feeling like you're exhausting everyone, including yourself.
Coop, I don't know how long you are going to keep punishing yourself for what happened to you. (Sorry to interpret--but that's how I see the drinking, in part.) It does not have to be endless, though. You can find another way. You can continue to take steps to live and think and feel differently. The course of your life is not pre-determined. You have the capacity for change.
Best of luck to you.
Peace,
HG