My faith began unravelling over a year ago as the memories of my childhood began flooding back. I didn't fully realize the extent of this "unraveling" until a few weeks ago, sitting in my therapists office. I have been with my therapist, Max, for 7 years and he has seen me get sober with an addiction... which for me involved working a 12-step program. My Higher Power is Jesus Christ and at some point I fired a god who did not work for me and connected with Christ in a way that brought me Serenity. But the memories and the trauma work has undone me. He gave me a writing assignment ... If God is safe, then... and if God is unsafe, then... I have tried to write... nothing comes out. I don't really blame God for what happened... I believe that Good and evil co-exist and that we are all free moral agents... blah, blah, blah... I am in my head. Sigh. My heart just hurts, I need to feel like I am truly God's child and that He really cares for me.. and I just don't. I need him to show up in my life in a major way. Am I expecting too much, looking for the wrong thing. I feel like I am doing my part... I meditate daily. I try to stay in the present moment.. being mindful. Basically, I am just faking my way through this. Can anybody relate to what the hell I am talking about?

River,

Many times in the past, I have wondered to myself why God seems to take so long. I have since realized just how valuable God's timing is in my life. I've found the book of Job to be somewhat of a refuge when I feel I cannot find the answers. Job doesn't directly answer my concerns, but it does help me to see my place in the greater scheme of things.

I've realized in this last year that plans come together which I don't even conceive. I went to Alta in September hoping to get two cents in of my own life experience. I left there feeling I made out like a bandit. The ball that was started rolling then has finally slowed to a near stop in the last couple weeks.

I need to follow your example, and meditate daily.

Andy

Edited to add that the relational blessings I received last year I would not trade if I could.

I don't have a choice except to be patient.