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#198293 - 01/06/08 07:17 PM Let the self loathing begin
William K Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 5
Loc: FL
And so last night I got drunk again
My sister was visiting she should be a friend
My wife affected by slurred rage filled words
I love them both but hates my turn
My turn to self-destruct
Lash against them but really myself
Why do I hate myself so much?
That I would cause pain to them and not the deserving
I want to ruin myself so I turn against those that I love
I want to destroy the person that let it go down
I hate myself with a rage reserved for those that caused it
but really what is the way to not let this happen
I need to stop myself from destroying myself
I need to stop the pain and release the pain
but how can I do it
empty the duffel bad I'm told
I used to be bold and now am weak
Traveling down a path predefined
how can I build a new road past the treacherous one Iím on
I need to love myself but All I have is hatred I need to make me pay for my foulness my putridity because I was there I was in the room I was at fault but I know I wasnít now but still the filth pervades and infiltrates even the logic of know I was a victim and I didnít do anything wrong
I killed the child inside to deal with the bastard this is no way to live and I want to live again the right way the way I was supposed to have turned out and yet 31 years old and I am crapping on myself and smearing into my own eyes the filth is deep in my sockets and sometimes all I can see is the shity-ness of it all, the mirror shows me what I hate and its myself but how to make the man reflect who he wants to be and change I know I have to stop drinking I have stopped all the other things that I used to escape the reality I am not who I once was and now I remember why but I cant get back to the boy I should have been in order to turn him into who I want to be. Where is the easy answer where is the light and the end I just want to be healthy and live for my family and love myself and then I can love them, I think if I something doesnít happen the self destruction will win and I will drive the only good in my life away therefore making it easier to kill myself I donít want I donít want that but I cant control the rage when it comes out the hulk is mean and without remorse or caring I donít want this to be my life.

_________________________
Don't let the bastards grind you down even if its yourself

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#198449 - 01/07/08 06:37 PM Re: Let the self loathing begin [Re: William K]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
William,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm glad you found us, and I can assure you that soon you will be able to see that lots of other guys have or have had in the past the same problems you are talking about. It can get better, my friend.

As someone who went through his own personal hell with alcohol I can tell you that drinking never helps. You're right. So long as we are seeking refuge in alcohol genuine healing will escape us. I hope you will talk more about this - there are lots of us who know exactly what you are talking about.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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