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#198420 - 01/07/08 03:09 PM Old survivors are jerks!
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
ya know what i hate? old survivors! they act like what i have to deal with is no big deal just cause what happend to them happend a long time ago and their over it. well I'M NOT over it! it might be 20, or 30, or 40 years for some of you, but its like only 2 years for me so it feels like yesterday.

somebody asked me is the chatroom room last night why i'm always nervous and figity and stuff and why cant i just get over it. i dunno why i just cant get over it. i wish i could cause i dont really wanna be a nervous wreck all the time. i hate my life on most days cause i dont think i'm good for anythin except to be afraid all the time. i just wish some people would be a lil more sensative and realize that i had alotta things done to me from when i was really little and it was alotta bad bad things and i wish i could just get over it but i cant. so i guess some people here think i'm weak but u guys really dont get it. u dont know! i fight this thing everyday and while its over and done with for u and in the past, its still a battle for me.if there was a switch i could turn off to end all this in my head i would, but i cant and all i can do now is try to survive!

bye


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#198421 - 01/07/08 03:21 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: JasonSmalls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I guess I'd have to start out by saying "I can't believe someone was so freaking clueless as to expect you to "get over it."

That pisses me off too.

Maybe its not cuz he was "old." Maybe its because he's clueless and insensative.

On behalf of the old guys....I'm VERY sorry that happened.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#198422 - 01/07/08 03:25 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Still]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Jason,

i can only echo what Rob said, NO ONE should be telling you to "get over it", that is totally contrary to everything this site stands for.

Truth be told, ALL of us are still fighting this crap and just trying to survive...

I'm sorry you had to be subjected to such insensitivity.

buzz


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#198423 - 01/07/08 03:27 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: JasonSmalls]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I don't understand what someone was doing in the chatroom with that attitude. They should know better.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#198424 - 01/07/08 03:41 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: cbfull]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 796
Loc: North Texas
Jason, they were really insensitive, and you should let the Mods know who it was. I am not asking for you to forgive him, but maybe he needs help, but only knows how to strike out.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#198428 - 01/07/08 04:02 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: lostcowboy]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'm sorry someone said that to you, Jason. That's like the worst thing to say. You just have to ignore the jerks in life and find people good to be with.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#198429 - 01/07/08 04:19 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: LandOfShadow]
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
Not an old survivor, Jason. Don't let something like that deter you from your recovery. Try not to let it get you down. There are good guys on this board. Take into account the advice that you receive from the good ones and leave the rest. I'm fairly new at this and it's very hard. Stay strong!!!


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#198430 - 01/07/08 04:26 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: MDR]
JerrySan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/04/06
Posts: 23
Loc: Clinton Indiana
jason my abuse was 40 years ago and i'm in the worst shape i
ve ever been in. nobody can just get over it. so please dont judge all of us older ones because of one idiot.


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#198431 - 01/07/08 04:37 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: JerrySan]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
What all the guys above me said Jason. We've all heard "just get over it" in our lives, but I truly am shocked to hear you heard it on MS.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#198432 - 01/07/08 04:51 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! *DELETED* [Re: mogigo]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Post deleted by Freedom49


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#198434 - 01/07/08 05:04 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Freedom49]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Please do not let one person's insensitive and thoughtless remark make you feel that 'old survivors' in general are 'jerks'. Many of the people I feel closest to at this site, many of the people who I think are the best people I could imagine knowing, are 2 or even 3 times my age. I have been treated with disrespect, specially in regard to my age, here before, and it is not a pleasent thing. But it is just like the 'frauds' who come here sometime. It is one person out of hundreds, or a thousand here. That is not worth it to me to get so 'pissed off'. Yes, I would perhaps be hurt or angry at the time, and it would annoy me. But this site, your time here is suppose to be for you and about you, not that other person who make you angry. Please try to use it like that, and you will find more happiness and success here.

Just my thought, not to tell you what to do or nothing as that.

Andrei


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#198438 - 01/07/08 05:24 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: ak]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
There's a phrase that I am reminded of:

"don't let them (the bad guys) rent space in your head"

As said above, you've got your life to live and healing to accomplish.

Peace.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#198442 - 01/07/08 06:10 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Freedom49]
arozork Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/23/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts, US
Jason
I'm sorry that somebody said that to you. That comment is ignorant, but ignorance is something that can make a person say things and do things they didnt really wanted to do. We are here for you my friend. Stay strong.


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#198443 - 01/07/08 06:13 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: arozork]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Joey,

Please send me a PM and let me know who said that to you. The remark was cruel and dismissive, and it's absolutely inappropriate for a site like this. Whoever told you that needs to be aware of this fact.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#198444 - 01/07/08 06:22 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: markgreyblue]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Jason,

Good for you for standing up for yourself and speaking out against that person's completely inappropriate behavior. As everyone else has posted, "getting over it" is not an option, a healthy strategy, or even an advisable way to go through life at all.

I also want to, as gently and respectfully as possible, maybe stick up for all the old guys around here, and those members who maybe have made some serious progress on their healing journeys. Almost every single person I have met who has made some progress on their journey has had nothing but respect and kindness for those of us who are struggling. It would seem to me that the person who attacked you so insensitively was not representative of the older survivors that I've met. Is it possible that instead of getting angry at all the old guard, you can perhaps allow yourself to see that this one person acted poorly, very poorly, and not allow his actions to affect how you treat a whole group of people?

I know that I may be pushing a button, and I hope you understand that I'm not in anyway trying to call you out, call you wrong, or even suggest that you have made an error. I totally get how one person's actions can be so insensitive and hurtful that it seems impossible to respond to them. I also know how easy it is to allow the pain we have received at the hands on one person to impact how we view the rest of the world. It's a huge part of what we all struggle with my friend. If you can find a way to see this person's actions as his own, and not indicative of the behavior many other people, that could be huge step towards healing. I know it's not easy, and I myself am constantly making that self-same mistake. But it occurs to me that this could be a chance to recast what had been a very hurtful experience into a chance for healing.

That would be a great thing indeed.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#198479 - 01/07/08 08:05 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: tartugas]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Jason, I'm 44 now been hiding it for 25 years, just started dealing with it a couple months ago. It's still with me today. Us old guys are just as vulnerable as you. I would have been hurt by that remark too. You have every right to be angry, I know I would have been. I may have made progress but its far from over. I understand your pain and hope this does not drive you away from here.
Most of the people here I have found to be very supportive and sometimes I don't agree with them but I'm still here. I know I am sensitive to some remarks and some topics and stay away from them. Chat is the same way, I leave and come back later when I have cooled down. Nobody should ever minimize anyones experience here. We are all trying to heal and we all need the support that this place offers. We all have different experiences that effect us differently lesser or greater it does not matter. It still hurts and we still need help.
I know this is true for me.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#198484 - 01/07/08 08:24 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: GateKPR4]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
Gentlemen,

I've investigated this, and conclude there is a misunderstanding going on.

Yes, things can be said in chat that can be perceived a certain way. I've done this myself in the past. This is part of the nature of the chatroom, since important visuals in communication are missing.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#198491 - 01/07/08 08:38 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: FormerTexan]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Misunderstanding or not, Jason is wholly entitled to his opinion (especially in light of his subsequent thread). I just want to point out that it's really important that we make it clear that Jason has done nothing wrong in speaking out about his experience and his hurt. We have all lashed out at times, and one of the reasons this site exists is so that we can have a safe place to speak out in whatever way we need to.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#198494 - 01/07/08 08:45 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: tartugas]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
Chris,

I understand that he is entitled to his opinion. The key word here is "opinion." When we depart from opinion and enter the realm of fact, this needs to be brought to light. The other chatter, though possibly careless in his phraseology, never used the words "get over it."

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#198496 - 01/07/08 08:46 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: FormerTexan]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i love when people hang dirty laundry on the public line.


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#198501 - 01/07/08 09:03 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Jarrad]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
they didnt wash it first??????????LOL


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#198502 - 01/07/08 09:03 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: sabata]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
apprently not.


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#198522 - 01/07/08 09:59 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Freedom49]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Jason:

I too am very sorry that someone in the chat room would make such an inconsiderate remark. My CSA happened to me almost 50 years ago so you can consider me old. But I am not an old jerk. None of us survivors can "just get over it".

I do know why you are upset. It upsets me also when I hear this from my so called friends. They are the ones who Don't Get It.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#198558 - 01/08/08 12:25 AM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: KENKEN]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Don't wanna be a "jerk," but...

Why couldn't they keep it between themselves and the teachers, I mean Mods. Was it necessary to bring it to all 4877 members? It was my understanding we were adults here (or close to it).

It reminds me of grade school: "I'm tellingg!"

I only say this because it doesn't bring good vibes to our place of healing.

Anyway, sorry the misunderstanding happened and your feelings were hurt.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#198717 - 01/08/08 11:59 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Freedom49]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
Jason,
I was in chat with you tonight and after reading this I understand where you were coming from with what you were saying about how people are insensetive. I have been depressed lately and havnt been on MS for a couple days. The last time I was in chat I had someone come into the lounge full barrel about wife/ devorce and life sucks. so I pm them and said I am also going through the same thing. There response was "I was Only kidding". nothing to do with what happened to you but now after reading your post I truely understand why you were making the comments tonight about not talking to people in a chat room. But yet face to face is the way to go because you can see there body language. Sorry I didnt know wherer you were going in the lounge tonight but now I do . MVN4WRD

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

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#198878 - 01/10/08 01:44 AM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Jarrad]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: Jarrad
i love when people hang dirty laundry on the public line.


jarrad, you have a talent with words.

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#199351 - 01/13/08 10:06 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Jarrad]
weapher Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
Regardless of the "get over it" phrase or not the bottom line is that Jason Smalls perceived that a member of the site was implying to move on. That is a very difficult thing to do...we all know that. I hope his post doesn't turn into a debate over what the other member said or didn't say and can stay focused on him and the needs he is sharing!

Jason, hang in there and know that at some times during the healing process, as with just normal life, we will be blown away by other people and what they say to us. And on other days what others say may just wash off of our backs. The process of healing is long and for the most part touches on all of the emotions we deal with as human beings. We are in a state of change and growth and the process is arduous at best...

Remember, not everyone communicates in a sensitive way and if someone speaks to you in an insensitive way remember that there are hundreds more on this site who understand and appreciate you and your struggles.

Hang on to yourself, be strong, and remember that not everyone we encounter here or in the rest of the world will always tell us what we want to here... and sometimes we may just be perceiving it to mean something that it may not mean. Next time take a moment to get yourself together and simply ask the fellow member if what you heard was what they really meant... I know that I have solved many a conflict once I cleared my head and got all of what the other person was trying to say.

BTW, I too am an "old" guy and have been dealing with the struggles of abuse for over thirty two years... You don't ever just "get over it"

Hang tough
weapher

_________________________
Facing the struggle makes you strong.

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#240962 - 07/29/08 10:55 AM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: JasonSmalls]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hey, I'm just 69 years young, and have been dealing with this all my life, I am now just trying to come to terms with all those dep memories and flashbacks, go easy on us old timers. I need your support too, I'll give you mine. Heal well my friend.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#240973 - 07/29/08 12:08 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: petercorbett]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I can't comment for old guys. I'm 46 though and I listen to many of them.

For me, the benefit of hearing from old survivors that have been dealing with it for x number of years, is that we gain an appreciation of the gravity of the abuse, and we discover that barring miraculous spontaneous recovery, life can go on even though we are still recovering. So even if it's a lifelong process, it is possible to live through it and even thrive.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#242731 - 08/06/08 09:00 AM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: JasonSmalls]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Jason,
It's one of those OLD SURVIVORS, but too old to be a jerk. Be glad that you're young, and that you are dealing with it at a young age, sorry to say but us OLD (jerks) have kept our SECRET for far too long. It has destroyed our youth just like you, but it had moulded me to be a less than "normal" person, I get pissed off real quick, I don't let anyone get too close to me, my wife & son don't REALLY know me or my SECRET. But now, right now there is no more running away from myself, I'm going to have my first visit with my military mental health doctor, so this BOY crying inside can come out. If you are interested you can go to the survivor stories page and click on My SECRET my Story and you'll see that us OLD survivors aren't all JERKS. You have my best wishes in dealing and coping with our stolen youth. You have this old jerk's support.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#242787 - 08/06/08 03:52 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: petercorbett]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Well; I'm closing in near 51 years of age I guess you better count me in as another one of those old jerks.
I've been dealing with painful shit for the last thirty years.
Jason; I'm truly sorry you had to put up with such insult no matter how it was perceived. I think just the fact you were hurt by the remark in what ever context it was intended makes your post valid. Take Care
Chris



Edited by jcf1957 (08/06/08 03:52 PM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#242800 - 08/06/08 05:12 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! *DELETED* [Re: Freedom49]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
i'll tell you why people would say such a thing to you jason because they're fuckin crass and insensitive to your feelings and selfish of course.

I know how painful it is to "get over it" because for me it's been about 5 yrs since the memories re-surfaced and it still haunts me and makes me nuts.

You should never be treated in such a hurtful way.

You will never get over it ....you will only able to move on when YOU"RE READY and not before.

Try your best and avoid those who think they have a right to be so nosey ....if someone asks you such a shallow and cruel question again ..........."that's none of your buisness it's my process and pain not yours"

God bless you pal and i wish you the best in your healing.

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#243754 - 08/10/08 04:15 PM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: JasonSmalls]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hold on, if we don't get it! Who does?
The older guys were totally alone without
internet, so nobody to talk to, so I guess
it may just have been harder back then.

Nobody should say, just get over it, that is
for the john doh's of society.
It's hard to show emotions sometimes, but give
and take, and don't think the older guys did
not experience the same things as you,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#243850 - 08/11/08 01:34 AM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: reality2k4]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
enough already!

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#243852 - 08/11/08 01:53 AM Re: Old survivors are jerks! [Re: Still]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Jason:

I'll be 51 on Tuesday, and didn't learn to use the internet until a little over 3 years ago. It used to be a heck of a jump from individual counseling to an in-person group. These days that jump is a lot easier with the internet and this site. But, the internet is not as safe a place as many of us would like, I'm afraid. I'm sure that most all of us old guys just wanted to be supportive Jason. 33 years ago when I turned 18 the world was a different place. Vietnam was still on back then. Imagine facing the Vietnam-era draft at the age of 18? They cut out the draft lottery the year that I turned 17. Back then every guy was expected to be really tough and to be a man and to not complain. A lot of us older guys are still learning how to be sensitive. At least give us the benefit of the doubt.

Have hope,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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