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#198026 - 01/05/08 11:14 AM Typical Patterns?
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
Hello- I have read here and there, but I hesitate to post b/c I don't want to say something insensitive or ignorant.

My H recently shared w/ me that something happened in his youth w/ a teen neighbor. His purpose was to show that if he could move past that, I could move past the affairs he had (one in '99 with a friend of mine and one fall of '06 w/ a co-worker).

He was a/b 6yo when it happened and sought help at a/b 12yo in the form of a year of counseling w/ a county therapist.

He refuses to talk a/b anything to do w/ this. I know from the infidelity support forum I read that often survivors have issues that can lead to affairs. H denies this had anything to do w/ the affairs.

I was wondering, what are some behaviors that are typical? Issues that can grow? I know I can't force him into help, but I need an idea of what it's like, what happens in order for me to cope.

H refuses to talk a/b it and doesn't want me sharing or buying books to read a/b it. He says it's a done issue. But I need to know what I'm dealing with and what comes from his other issues (absent alcoholic father and general fucked up FOO). I have so many issues of my own, I feel like I am floundering and I just need some clarity. Somewhere to start.

Thank you for the kindness of replying to my post.

_________________________
jem

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#198135 - 01/06/08 12:11 AM Re: Typical Patterns? [Re: Jem]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I don't understand. If it's "a done issue", why not say a bit about it? Given how guys try not to deal with it, I am wondering about that. I'll let others address your other questions. I really can't.

Go ahead and say what you want! We'll all benefit. I really don't think you'll be harder on us than we are ourselves... (speaking as a survivor)

You're quite welcome, Jem, for the reply. I wish you well.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#198139 - 01/06/08 01:03 AM Re: Typical Patterns? [Re: LandOfShadow]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Jem,

I'd echo shadow that if it's a "done issue" why be afraid of it? It's not done and he knows deep down. Until he's willing to face that and really seek some answers it'll never be a "done issue". In fact, it never will be a totally "done issue". It will always be there. It will always be remembered, and have some small amount of residual influence on his life, but if he's willing to do the hard work, it can get to the point where it's not controlling him in negative ways.

Glad you are here and hope you can gain some insight through interacting with us. Stay as long as you like and feel free to ask questions.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#198190 - 01/06/08 08:45 AM Re: Typical Patterns? [Re: WalkingSouth]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
yea---------------he mite say hes done with it----------------------but it will creep up and get him------------------sonner or later-------------------i hope you can endure this-and help him along the way---------------------when it does pop up---------------------------------------steve


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#198264 - 01/06/08 05:11 PM Re: Typical Patterns? [Re: Jem]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
By done he says he dealt w/ it fully in that year of therapy and bringing it up is just dredging up the past for no reason since nothing needs to be dealt with.

Am I wrong in thinking that odds are, a therapist in the '80's might not have been able to deal w/ all the issues that came from this incident? As CSA goes, it was relatively short, happened over two days. H gives no details, I don't press though by things he's said recently I have an idea. But still, one year therapy years after the fact and nothing since then seems to me that there might be other issues they either didn't know a/b in the '80's or long term issues that need to be re-addressed now and then like a tune-up.

I wish I could contribute more to this board than questions, but I have so little knowledge on this topic.

_________________________
jem

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#198270 - 01/06/08 05:33 PM Re: Typical Patterns? [Re: Jem]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Questions are a big contribution! Really.

I think lots of us can say that stuff comes up over time, (I just remembered an episode after 40 years I'm pretty sure) and since this can be pretty distruptive to your life, my bias is to get it checked out. Just like a mysterious pain. Might not be serious, but why not get it checked out by the doc? I've totally gotten over my fears of therapists and "mental health". Doesn't mean you're crazy to go.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#198276 - 01/06/08 06:09 PM Re: Typical Patterns? [Re: LandOfShadow]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
He won't. Doesn't want me to talk a/b it, even post a/b it anywhere but here. I feel so locked out. I feel like this might be one of the keys to our problems and it hurts so much. What if it is? What if dealing w/ it will make me feel safer a/b his attitude towards sex and fidelity?

What if I'm just reading into things and he really is 'healed' and the issues are from somewhere else? I feel like I'm in the dark and ignorant and I hate that feeling.

_________________________
jem

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