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#196135 - 12/21/07 07:48 AM ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH

Hey you guys, yeh you, the ones running and laughing with each other
acting as if trusting was like breathing, donít worry I wonít intrude

Hey you guys, the ones talking and arguing as if you have no fear of rejection
bantering with pleasure not afraid of going too far, donít worry I wonít interfere

Hey you over there, you seem to touch each other without fear of being hurt.
You donít seem to fear at all. Donít worry Iím just passing by.

I approached with a glimmer of hope that I would be able to talk with you
Your confidence scares me off. I had better not intrude

We share some common thread but your way above me
you have poise, Iím a fraud. I couldnít intrude if I wanted to.

Your smile and comforting arm around my shoulders brings up conflict
if I get confident in your presence you might tire of me and push me away

Fear is like an overprotective membrane that surrounds us like a bubble
when itís developing it gains texture from its environment
with love and support it is soft and supple,
easily and accurately determining the intention of its surroundings.
when caused to defend, it becomes rigid, dark and entrapping
always cautious of any approach.

After a lot of years I see more accurately, the door where fear entered in.
my eyes are not yet strong enough to see it clearly
but I know itís there and I am pretty sure that when I can reach it
it will crumble and soften the fear
Then I can apply the love balm that has been available all along
healing the membrane rendering it clear.

Iíll see you on a level where we hug and discuss
all the pleasure in our lives, with no fear or distrust.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#196340 - 12/23/07 12:24 AM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: dancr6]
hope41 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Amazing piece of writting i know exactly how you feel. I dont know if this happens to you but i am a social butterfly i talk to anyone and everyone thinks i am an amazing person and they wish they had my social skills but to the fact the reason why is because i meet people and discard because i cant trust. So i always need to find a new person to talk to because i can never trust so i never keep anyone close.


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#196351 - 12/23/07 07:37 AM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: hope41]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I Do understand that one, I tell people how closed up and untrusting I am and then they see me in a store chatting away with a cashier or stranger in line as if we were old friends. to people that know me, that is confusing.
I think that I know it is temporary and I won't have the expectations of maintaining that level of intimacy for a long period and they won't have a chance to see the "real" me and reject me or betray me. How silly that seems when I say it but how real it is when it's going on.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#196986 - 12/28/07 05:14 PM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: dancr6]
hope41 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
I am going through the exact same thing and no one really understands so its nice and thank you for showing me im not the only one who acts that way. Now i dont feel i am the only one going through this.



Edited by hope41 (12/28/07 05:34 PM)

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#196992 - 12/28/07 06:06 PM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: hope41]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
There seems to be a lot of common characteristics with our "group". I am grateful for this site, it has helped me in a short time, seeing so many people with the same thoughts I thought for years were the sign of a peculiar character. Thoughts and feelings that are more of a reaction to our perps inhumane actions.


_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197234 - 12/30/07 09:42 AM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: dancr6]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dan, hope41,

I think so many guys would identify with that feeling of being damaged and somehow different. I remember how in school I gradually shied away from all my friends, all because I felt worthless and was afraid they would figure me out - or "want me" like the abuser did. Maybe the worst part is knowing that if they had wanted me I could not have resisted; I just didn't have it in my any longer to do that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#197245 - 12/30/07 10:37 AM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: roadrunner]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I remember first hearing the term "crotch watcher" and realizing that I was one. For defensive reasons though, a bulging crotch would have been my signal to move away at all costs. If I didn't move away fast enough, oh well! here I am once again, where's that cave opening? (That dark spot that I retreated to) It's time to go in!



Edited by dancr6 (12/30/07 05:40 PM)
_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197948 - 01/04/08 07:25 PM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: dancr6]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dan,

It's so important that you don't blame yourself for that: not as an adult and not as a boy either. A boy so quickly learns in abuse that only our sexual parts matter - those are the things to watch out for and the parts that need to be served. It's a terrible false lesson, but there it is - something else we have to unlearn and rebuild. But we don't need to blame ourselves while we do that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#197951 - 01/04/08 07:38 PM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: roadrunner]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I know you're right Larry, when I was 6 I wasn't able to verbalize even in my head about what was going on, I just knew that I was overpowered and in pain. I didn't even consciously think that something was done to me that wasn't right. I knew I ask for affection and I know that the way he showed it was not what I was expecting but I also knew that I asked for it (affection not sex), and I think that was part of what took me so long to sort out. After I came to grips with the fact that I was raped I had to work on the lifelong feelings of being less than everyone else. I'm still working on that.

Thanks,
Dan

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197952 - 01/04/08 07:44 PM Re: ALWAYS CAUTIOUS OF ANY APPROACH [Re: roadrunner]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I have to respond having just returned from a local gay bar. I went to meet the challenges I face. Those include feeling as if I don't belong, testing the water of socialability and just trying to present without worrrying that someone would trigger me into acting out. Talk about relating to this thread! I see me in all of it. There are times I am charming, chatty and possibly likeable...the truth is I am scared to death and uneasy.

I just left a smaller crowd and stayed about 30 minutes without finishing my drink. I hated to leave alone as much as arriving alone but the truth is, my social circle remains limited. No actually a zero. I cannot form close relationships no matter how I try. The point is I continue to try and believe one day this will be diminished if not behind me.

I am getting wiser and better able to recognize the triggers and the false beliefs that sex is the answer. My T just told me last night is my internal environment...and he is right. The energy I give is the energy I net. But that is the scar of CSA. I am alone until I come here and recognize I have others like me who are more, less or equal in this confusion. That is the best word I can use to decribe this uncertain place...confusion. Having been home less than 10 minutes, I feel safer and understood. That is the only good that comes out of these shi**y experiences- we have each other. I refuse to quit but trying but it is a huge effort and I keep going back waiting for the change. It has to come from within myself. Somewhere, someday, somehow, I believe it will.

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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