Right now, I'm just feeling like I can't live with this. Things are getting worse trying to remember what really happened...
All the stuff about a loss of childhood is just crushing me. My life has not been my own, but the abuser's. At my core, there is nothing there that is me. I search and cannot find myself.
I died way back then, and something lived on that should have died too. I am a ghost, an echo of a long past crime, a shadow in this land and not really here.
I will never have my life. Each day, is just a reminder of how dead I already am, and it's just too painful. The only way I can live on still hoping that someday, God will finally see that evil so wicked, cruelty so unchecked cannot really be allowed. The cruel joke will be over and the game starts over because I never had a chance. And I will finally be allowed a life that is mine. To believe otherwise, would be to finally accept death.
My life stopped at 9 years old, and I don't know how to continue it. I really don't know how to live with this. I feel damaged beyond all repair. I see the world as equally damaged. "We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are." (the Talmud)
If things get worse before they get better, I'm making great progress...
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you