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#197861 - 01/04/08 10:23 AM How do you live with this?
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Right now, I'm just feeling like I can't live with this. Things are getting worse trying to remember what really happened...

All the stuff about a loss of childhood is just crushing me. My life has not been my own, but the abuser's. At my core, there is nothing there that is me. I search and cannot find myself.

I died way back then, and something lived on that should have died too. I am a ghost, an echo of a long past crime, a shadow in this land and not really here.

I will never have my life. Each day, is just a reminder of how dead I already am, and it's just too painful. The only way I can live on still hoping that someday, God will finally see that evil so wicked, cruelty so unchecked cannot really be allowed. The cruel joke will be over and the game starts over because I never had a chance. And I will finally be allowed a life that is mine. To believe otherwise, would be to finally accept death.

My life stopped at 9 years old, and I don't know how to continue it. I really don't know how to live with this. I feel damaged beyond all repair. I see the world as equally damaged. "We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are." (the Talmud)

If things get worse before they get better, I'm making great progress...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197868 - 01/04/08 10:45 AM Re: How do you live with this? [Re: LandOfShadow]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. \:\( I wish I knew an easier way to get out than just plowing through it, but I don't think there is a short cut.

Like they say, "The only way through is through."

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#197871 - 01/04/08 11:10 AM Re: How do you live with this? [Re: AndyJB2005]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
For me somedays it's just one second at a time. Because one day at a time just seems too long. So for this second, right now I'm here, I'm safe, I'm ok. I'll worry about the next second when it gets here.

I'll echo Andy. I'm sorry your haveing such a hard time. Just know we are here for you.

((hugs))

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#197872 - 01/04/08 11:19 AM Re: How do you live with this? [Re: LandOfShadow]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: LandOfShadow
If things get worse before they get better, I'm making great progress...

They usually do, especially when it comes to overcoming trauma.

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself right now. I understand the feelings of loss of all hope, but the less time we can spend swimming in those dark thoughts, the better.

Eventually you are going to have to start challenging those beliefs, they may seem very real and true right now, but you can change them. We are all here with you working to change our own. They simply cannot be true, but we are used to throwing in the towel and letting them have free reign over our character. I suggest you look at each one of those remarks and replace it with something much more realistic and kind that gives you plenty of hope.

That's how I do it, and it works.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#197889 - 01/04/08 02:06 PM Re: How do you live with this? [Re: cbfull]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I love my sign that I have hung up in front of my computer

"It will be hard, be nice"

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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