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#197897 - 01/04/08 03:00 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: AndyJB2005]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Sorry Andy, you miss-read, or I miss-wrote \:\) Wasn't aimed at you at all. More to the guy who took "a shot" at you.

Sorry Brother
Mike



Edited by mogigo (01/04/08 03:03 PM)
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#197898 - 01/04/08 03:04 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: mogigo]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Oops...silly me. LOL Yeah, I'm defensive. Makes total sense now. LOL

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#197900 - 01/04/08 03:18 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: AndyJB2005]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I had a buddy who I've known my whole life, he's known I haven't had a partner in 16 years and his last advice to me was "you're just scared", jeez ya think. I hid my problems my whole life, it's not like I ever went to him and said "woe is me", I acted very happy around everyone my whole life and really just said I wasn't interested in a partner. He was a big part of why my partner and I broke up so I know he has guilt issues now, but really his advice was just his inability to solve my "problem" so he minimized it so he could feel better. 16 years and it was just because "I was scared", brilliant, problem solved.

I know defensive well Andy \:\) \:\)

Mike

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#197908 - 01/04/08 03:55 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I see why you thought this way Andy, I ignored the rest of the post and was answering on the last 2 posts.

I think it's trying to get what wasn't offered when we needed it when we were younger, we need that compassion and I think when we get enough of it we will natuarally switch over to the moving on. I think Jarrad's right that some will maybe get caught up in it a bit too long, but really is there much harm in us offering that. I think it needs to be a self-realization rather than someone pushing them into it, otherwise it's just the same thing we've always heard, "get over it", not helpful at all.

Some may never be able to move on, and I am sad about that, but I'm more than willing to give them a little better place than what they had before they were a "victim", not our job to "save" anyone, only to try and make life a little easier for our Brothers.

Only "I" can save myself, I think it's harmful to think otherwise.

One of my groups rules is that no "story" will be told, we're concentrating on the here and now, but I had to choose to work on the here and now. The past is what a therapist is for, let's just offer what WE can offer, support.

Stay strong
Mike

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#197914 - 01/04/08 04:27 PM Re: Playing the Part. *DELETED* [Re: AndyJB2005]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#197928 - 01/04/08 05:49 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: awakening]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I love it Awakening, going to try that. I've been a survivor for a while now. Felt like I wasn't beaten, gave me strength over my perp. I love you're next step, It won't define me at all, Just a single moment. I am Mike, going to like him one day.

Welcome Awakening, nice to see another Canuck, great place eh \:\)

Mike

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#197943 - 01/04/08 07:13 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: AndyJB2005]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Not only is it so easy to "play the victim", but it can be such an easy way of getting attention. I didn't fully realize the scope fo that until I read Jarrad's post. For years, I also played that role well. I didn't do it because I feared the unfamiliar or because I was uncomfortable changing. I did it with the hope that someone, somewhere would take pity on me. I've come to realize that wasn't helping anyone, especially myself.

Yes, we all deserve a pity parade every once in awhile, but I also need to touch upon something that Mogigo said. Beleive it or not, most of the time that people are "asking for support" in the real world, they don't truly need the kind of support they are asking for. My mother was the "poor me" victimizer. She was constantly lying about her own maladies and wellbeing in order to perpetuate abuse. She played her "loved ones" off against each other by claiming each one wasn't doing enough to support her, and she did it in a way that was utterly convincing. I was guilty of some of the exact same behaviors until I identified the pattern.

The kind of support we actually need is usually the hardest kind of support to ask for. All I'm trying to say here is that there are two sides to this coin, and the one kind of person I just can't stand to be around is the kind of person who "plays the victim" as a personality trait.

I'm not talking specifically of anyone when I say this. I'm just saying that there is a reason why I don't always give my support to people in my day to day life when they ask. The fact is, I only have so much to give, and when the same person is draining that energy day in and day out, I tend to start to ignore him/her.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#197959 - 01/04/08 08:33 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: BJK]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I think I play various roles (including victim)...but I don't feel like I'm manipulating anyone or anything. I'm just coming to terms with what I've denied myself for my entire life. Namely, facing what was done to me and what I became.

If I broke a leg as a kid that was never set right, and decided to fix it now...its gonna take a fk-load of pain getting through the repairs.

Let's not start beating on ourselves for getting through some horrible shit (past and present). I spent enough of my life yielding to other's demanded behavior, emotions and modes. If "victimhood" or "survivorhood" is such a bloody-awful personality flaw, well....guess what did it to us!!

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#197972 - 01/04/08 10:25 PM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: AndyJB2005]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Bobby wrote a poem called "just get over it" seems apropo to a few of the comments here.

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I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#198018 - 01/05/08 10:15 AM Re: Playing the Part. [Re: dancr6]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I thought I'd clarify some of the things I said in my last post.

I have empathy and compassion for all living beings. From the mosquito that I swat out of frustration and annoyance to the person who perps little kids, I see a living creature in every being on this planet. When it comes to people, I feel nothing but sadness for whatever horrible occurance it was that caused a person to believe that harming another person was an okay choice. Even towards my mother, the woman who totally destroyed my life, I feel empathy and compassion along with the anger.

However, I simply to not have enough energy within me to lend support to every living creature who requires it. When a news show airs a segment about some poor child who was harmed, I have to turn away. People around me tend to think that this makes me some kind of unfeeling monster, but the fact is, I have to fight emotional flashbacks when I see or hear of real kids getting harmed. The choice is simple for me. If I can't help that poor kid directly, I have to turn away.

Most importantly, though, is that there are a plethora of people around me in my every day life who try to get attention by "playing the victim". I call this the "poor me" personality trait. This was my mother. She was able to perpetuate the abuse she inflicted upon me by constantly portraying herself as being a victim. When an acquaintance displays this personality trait, I am heavily triggered. I have three choices when this happens. I can 1) dissociate, 2) flee or 3) deal with heavy emotional flashbacks that just might trigger a real hallucinatory flashback.

The choice isn't very simple. Dissociating is something I am slowly gaining a concious control over, but fighting it is difficult. When I do dissociate, it's because I can't cope with what's happening anymore. It used to be the easy way out. Now, as I am becoming more and more aware of what I'm like when I dissociate, it's simply not acceptable anymore.

The choice to deal with emotional flashbacks is sometimes dependent on how safe I view the setting to be. Sometimes, it happens whether I want it to or not, and that can be evidenced by the fact that I've had to leave work three times in the last six months in order to cope with these situations. If the setting is safe, I'll sometimes choose to deal with the emotional flashbacks. They suck, but learning where they come from has been an essential part in the ever-so-slow learning process of making them stop.

If I have a choice, though, most often I will flee. If fleeing with result in avoiding dissociation and avoiding emotional flashbacks, I will take this route almost every time.

In writing this, it has become obvious to me that I am not capable of lending emotional support to anyone with the "poor-me" philosophy on life. Please, do not think that this is a charactar flaw on your part if this describes you. It is simply my history affecting who I am today. I will lend support to people who I believe are trying their hardest to improve their lives, and that discribes almost everyone on this site. The people who choose to relish the victim stereotype are people I need to keep my distance from for the sake of my own emotional healthy.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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