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#199558 - 01/15/08 12:44 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: lostcowboy]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Thanks Clifford. The first article is a great information source, and I read some part of it.

Alexey

_________________________
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When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#202062 - 01/28/08 03:28 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: alexey]
echo222 Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 1
Hello, my first post here. Thought about sharing my story. It might contain triggers for some.

My mother didnt much care about me when I was small, she was too young and preoccupied with herself to do that. I was a mistake, something she wasnt planning and something that led my father to marry her. I still feel pretty distant from my mother.

My father was also very young when I was born. When I was a kid he was very much into alcohol - still is, verbally abusive and frightening when drunk. He may or may not have beaten me, I dont remember. He was not much of a role model.

I remember when I was 6 or 7, sitting next to him on a sofa, I touched my father's arm, searching for comfort and tenderness. When he noticed the look on my face, he quickly drew his arm away and looked and acted disgusted. I remember the shame I felt like this happened yesterday.

Some time after that, I seeked the same comfort and tenderness from a boy next door, much older than me at the time, already in puberty. He could have been the role model and source of security and comfort for me my father was not. Instead, he took me to the basement and sexually abused me.

I started to make sexual advances to my friends, other kids of the same age as me. And in early adulthood and as an adult, Im sorry to say this, but there has not been any male friend, straight or gay and most of them are straight, that I havent made a pass on, sometimes straining the friendships.

Today I identify as a gay male, and my friends and family are very supportive and accepting, with the exception of my mother who is more distant. I tend to seek very masculine, mistreating, emotionally distant and potentially violent or alcohol-abusive men. Also, I seem to prefer the type of sex acts I was abused with.

I'm pretty confused. On the other hand, I'm comfortable with my gay identity. I've got good female friends, but I don't feel aroused at their or other women's presence.

On the other hand, I think and feel that the circumstances and the sexual abuse trauma of my childhood did substantially contribute to my gay orientation. I do not recall being sexual prior the abuse; after that all was sexualized.

But if I start to question my gayness (as a replay of early traumas: seeking fatherly love and repeating the CSA pattern) while not being straight either, where does that leave me? Alone, I guess. Any help or thoughts or personal experience here would be most welcome.

I hope I did not offend anyone with the text above, that is not and was not my intention. I think we all have our own stories, our own histories and personalities, and the above is just my story. I'm not trying to generalize from my story, I'm not trying to make any assertions about 'causes' of gay orientation; this is just my story and what I think I understand of myself. Others' stories are different and their own.


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#202860 - 01/31/08 04:43 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: Lazarus]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Quote:
Alexey, to get back to your original topic, I think that everybody is sexual in nature, and sex is VERY important in all of out lives. It's no surprise that many people obsess about the subject. But if the truth be known, I believe that most people are neither completely straight nor completely gay; everybody exists somewhere inbetween. If you were raised in a society where homosexuality was berated and slandered, your tendancy would be averse to being gay, even if you were. If you were in fact 'born' gay, you might go through your whole life fighting that feeling, just because that's the way you were raised. If, on the other hand, you were raised in a more moderate social environment, being gay might not be a bid deal, and you would be able to choose your sexual partners on the basis of attraction, not stereotype. You might flip back and forth a couple of times until you found what most interested you, without remorse or regret. In the extreme, you might find people who have been raised in a culture where gay was the only way, and straight people were berated, and even if you were attracted to the opposite sex, you might choose to have a gay relationship because that is what was expected of you.


Thanks Lazarus. You words make sense to me. I live in a city where gay parade have been planned twice and rejected by the city authorities because they feared violence... The third time project may be real... Much homophobia in Russia.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
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