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#197738 - 01/03/08 09:33 AM A difficult question to me about homosexuality
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Hi, how are you doing?

I wanted to ask you a question that I myself don't get the answer to.

It is about the roots of homosexuaity. Lets start with what we know about sexual abuse not leading to homosexuality, only to confusion about one's sexual orientation and identity.

I don't consider myself gay. I have recently talked to a guy from my work who have two twin boys aged 2 yo or something..

I told him that sexual orientation develops early, in the first 3 years of life. He started to get thoughtful and asked me what then leads to homosexuality of kids in the family? I told hm not to worry about that but I questioned myself. In fact I don't know what parental behaviour and/or absense of one parent contribute to developing homosexuality. He said he knew that if one parent is absent from the family then the child is likey to become a homosexual. I doubted it, but I don't know it myself.

Could you please provide me with your thoughts on this question?

Alexey

_________________________
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E[:]|||||[:]3
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When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#197746 - 01/03/08 10:32 AM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: alexey]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Alexey,

I more or less consider myself gay, have lots of contact with the "gay community" and that's OK with me. Just so you know... my bias I suppose.

The first thing I think about this question is, "Why do you want to know?" because, a lot of people assume things about someone who says "I'm gay." that aren't true or aren't necessarily true. Like, I'm in a 16 year (monogamous --I wouldn't normally say that, but would people assume that?) relationship. We are married in every sense but legally. It's not, like, really rare. I don't sing show tunes all the time either.

But if people are open to all the many possibilities of "being gay", I also feel while there probably are some genetic and very early childhood factors, I think it's also complicated and often not clear cut. Meaning, I think many people as young people and adults have attractions and sexual feelings toward both sexes and learn to deal with and possibly express that somehow. Lots of options there. Like, I really suspect that lots of "straight" guys sometimes have or had sexual feelings with other guys. That doesn't for a second mean they did or should act on that. That's a whole 'nother thing completely. But I wish they'd not be so defensive about that, and I wish gay people wouldn't be so dang quick to say, "Uh oh! You might like it! You might be gay! You should try it!" because, that's just as unhelpful as saying homosexuality is wrong, or sick and don't do that.

If I was a parent, I'd tell and show my children and young adults about the real variety of people called "gay" and "straight" or other things. I'd tell them to explore how they feel with people of both sexes, try to accept everything they feel and make healthy choices. You don't have to act on all your feelings but it does no good to deny them. Don't let some label ever get in the way of that. I wish we all rarely used these labels, actually. I don't understand the point.

Now why did you bring up sexual abuse? "..what we know about SA not leading to homosexuality."? Because sexual abuse in a huge complicating factor, right? Myself, after 30 years I still have confusion about my sexuality and I think perhaps abused kids hopefully can just find something that works for them, and living with those effects. That's the whole rest of the forum here...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197751 - 01/03/08 10:57 AM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: LandOfShadow]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Thanks,

I see. I know it is difficult. The point I wanted to ask WHY is that my coworker said that a parent absense from the family is likely to make a child gay. I don't agree completely BECAUSE I don't know. Probably many guys here did not have the full family or their family members were abusive.. But that is a different story. I asked about a situation exluding abuse factor, just does one parent in the family is a sure thing the child will be gay?

I have sexual confusion as well. I did have sexual feelings toward males and all of that, but that is also another question. I brought up the abuse problem because I wanted to tell I don't ask about abuse consequences for sexual orientation.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#197784 - 01/03/08 05:43 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: alexey]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Alexey,

I understand better what your asking, but :

Originally Posted By: alexey
...just does one parent in the family is a sure thing the child will be gay?


If you think about this, this couldn't be true. If it was that simple, it would be easy to research as a psychologist. Just take 100 single parent environments and 100 two parent environments and compare offspring. If there was a strong simple effect, there'd be a strong correllation in the number of gay offspring. I can't site the research, but I've never heard of this. Somebody would have noticed.

I think (my opinion) it's so complicated that a parent can't intentionally have a significant effect.

I believe identical twins are much more likely to both be gay or not. I'd have to look that up to be sure. Same genetics there. I thought I'd heard the more older brothers a male child has, the more likely he is be gay. But still I don't think it's a strong correllation. Maybe someone else knows the current psychological opinion.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197787 - 01/03/08 05:57 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: LandOfShadow]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I was wondering... I hope I'm not discouraging other from responding. So, like I said, I admit I'm biased on this question and it's OK not to agree with me... It's a international forum in a big world after all...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197789 - 01/03/08 06:34 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: LandOfShadow]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
I can only speak for myself. I knew when I was around 8 years old that I was different, I didn't know what to call it. Sexual orientation was never discussed back then, at least not in my family.

I had both parents all of my life. My family put the 'fun' in dysfunctional. There was no overt abuse or neglect, my parents just weren't very approachable. I got married, had children, all of the stuff that I was expected to do as the only boy in the family. But I always knew that I was homosexual. But for years I just buried it. After I started dealing with the CSA issues I learned and understood why I had 'acted out'. A year or so after my wife died after 34 years of marriage, I found a man that I love and I've been with him ever since. I feel very fortunate to have found two 'loves of my life'.

I don't know why I'm gay. I just am. I hope some day that it won't make a difference to anyone else what another persons sexual orientation is, that every one will be accepted for who they are.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#197811 - 01/03/08 11:36 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: Stephen_5]
apollo Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/23/07
Posts: 7
Loc: Georgia
Crazy, I was just wondering this same question today and trying to find answers in journals and so on.

The reason I was asking this question, is that my T told me this week that the research shows that molestation does not cause homosexuality. I have ALWAYS assumed that my SSA was due to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child.

I found some research that shows that nearly 50% of male homosexuals were sexually abused as children. This doesn't surprise me but I'm curious to find out what my T will think about it. If my SSA was not caused by sexual abuse, the implication is that I would be gay even if it hadn't happened which I find hard to believe but I must at least consider.


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#197812 - 01/03/08 11:43 PM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: apollo]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i have a friend who is a twin. (both are guys.) he is gay. his brother is straight. they both were raised the same way. its genetic. they knew he was gay as young as 5. they didnt do anything differenly. parents can't influence the orientation of a kid.


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#197828 - 01/04/08 04:43 AM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: Jarrad]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Thanks for your replies. It is much clear to me what you think about causes of being gay.

Thanks again.

It is indeed seemes to be an unknown, probably genetic.

Take care,
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#197853 - 01/04/08 09:52 AM Re: A difficult question to me about homosexuality [Re: apollo]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: apollo
my SSA


What's SSA? Besides the Social Security Administration??? \:\)

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
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