That feeling of being close, then far, then close again, etc., comes from the fact that sometimes we know something to be true but can't yet trust in it enough to use it as a tool in rebuilding our lives. That is, sometimes our old fears as abused boys are still powerful enough to overrule what we know to be true as adults; our heart vetoes our head I guess.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)