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#197624 - 01/02/08 09:53 AM need help fitting some pieces together (triggers)
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and I was terrified to open my eyes. I remember thinking to myself that I didn't want to open my eyes because "he" might be standing over me. I don't know who "he" is. As I laid there I kept telling myself that I was alone and that no one else was there, but I was so scared it took me a while before I could open my eyes. Of course, when I opened them there was no one there and I was alone in my bedroom. I got up and looked around my apartment and I even checked my front door to make sure it was locked.

This is not the first time that this has happened. I can remember this happening a few times before and it was always the same feeling. For some reason I have this feeling that shouldn't open my eyes because I'm not alone in my room.

I don't know if I'm overreacting, but when I take this and add it to some other memories I have, I'm starting to wonder if something else happened to me and I don't remember.

I have other memories of some of my behaviors from when I was in grade two. I was between the ages of 6 and 7 years old when I was in grade two and my earliest memories of abuse take place a year or so later.

My two other memories are of me at school in my grade two classroom.

In one memory I was being punished by my teacher for disrupting the class. I can remember her making me stand at the front of the classroom while the rest of the students in the class laughed at me. I had taken masking tape and I had balled up little pieces and stuck them to my face, groin and rear end. She made me stand up there showing the class what I had done and tell her why I had done this. I don't remember what I told her.

In the other memory, I had been kept late after class as punishment for doing something else. I don't remember what it was I did, but I remember sitting at my desk feeling trapped. I can remember a feeling of panic and I can also remember feeling...I don't know if aroused is the right word, but it seems to fit my memory.

I'm wondering if I was sexually aroused and had an erection, how it is that a six or seven year old has the awareness of being sexually aroused? Is this "normal" behavior for a child who has not been abused? Might this be an indication of abuse taking place at a younger age than I remember?

Like I said, I don't know if I'm overreacting so I thought I'd post here to see what you guys think.

Thanks,

Scott


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#197628 - 01/02/08 11:33 AM Re: need help fitting some pieces together (triggers) [Re: BruisedSpirit]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Good subject. together, pieces, fitting, help,

I'm afraid I can only add my own experience of pieces. I don't want to "hyjack your thread" BTW, I could start my own too.

I sometimes awake feeling quite terrified. Always have. Used to feel something was really wrong with me. Never talked about it. Now, I remember as a kid often awakening with a feeling of something terrifying in the room. I'd ever so slowly move my hand up to turn on the light. It would take a long, long time during which I was sweating, just scared to death. It was awful. It was like I was half asleep in a nightmare. Yes, I remember not opening my eyes out of fear of being discovered. Really wanting to, but really too afraid to.

Another piece: I vaguely remember moving through a long, narrow closet, pawing at clothes all around me, crying maybe?, and my parents finding me in the back end on the floor in the morning. Was I trying to hide? I guess I'm kind of haunted by the idea my mother abused me somehow... It's kind of got a horrible "yes, but I can't bear to tell you..." quality.

I recently was reading a book, relating a story of being abused as a kid, and suddenly I remembered a man, the kissing, the .. abuse.. This was when I was nine. The funny thing is, I'm almost certain I haven't remembered this in my adult life. I was in therapy mid-twenties and finally, painful talked about another episode about age 12. We taped all my sessions and I listened to them all a couple years ago. No mention of this earlier episode though I once quietly said, "I have the sense there may be more..." So, I think this memory has been lying in me all this time, 40 years, and only now surfaced. It's not vague at all and my brother has confirmed much of it, so it's real.

How do you feel considering that something else happened? Do you have a feeling of dread and fear? Like, you couldn't stand to really remember? Of ... like... morbid death or something? Ich.

I'm quite fearful of almost any memories of the past. It's really embarrassing, even shameful, because when I run into someone I haven't seen for years, it's like I can't or won't remember the past and I don't recognize them for a while. Sometimes they're rather puzzelled at me. It's like, in avoiding the memory of abuse, my past is shattered. Another way I feel something is just terribly wrong with me.

For myself, I've kind of realized that it's not neccessary or even important to remember "what happened", but to look at what IS now perhaps as a result and perhaps change that. Like, I've started taking little trips into the past, to rediscover myself and not be so afraid of it. Or realize, I can handle whatever is there.

I've no idea if this was helpful, or even interesting... I'm really curious if this is one of those things lots of us can talk about.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197649 - 01/02/08 02:19 PM Re: need help fitting some pieces together (trigge [Re: LandOfShadow]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Thanks for the response LandOfShadow,

Your de>

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#197653 - 01/02/08 03:48 PM Re: need help fitting some pieces together (trigge [Re: BruisedSpirit]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
What is it you want to do now, that requires you know?

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#197745 - 01/03/08 10:18 AM Re: need help fitting some pieces together (trigge [Re: LandOfShadow]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: LandOfShadow
What is it you want to do now, that requires you know?


I'm having a hard time with this question.

I think your intentions are good and you're trying to help but when I read this question I feel like I'm being judged.

I want to make sure you understand that this reaction has nothing to do with you and that I appreciate you responding to my post when no one else did. I just can't seem to communicate what I'm feeling without alienating myself from others here.

I don't know what else to say.

Thank-you, LandOfShadow for trying to help.
I do appreciate it.

Scott


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#197939 - 01/04/08 07:05 PM Re: need help fitting some pieces together (trigge [Re: BruisedSpirit]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Scott,

I so relate to what you are saying in your posts. And, nobody I know says this stuff, so I don't feel so alone and crazy. You know, we share a lot. We're looking for the same thing I guess. And I really don't want to do you harm. OK. And you're not alienating at all, and if you say, dumb question or whatever, that's OK. I won't take it personally.

Originally Posted By: BruisedSpirit

I'm having a hard time with this question.

I think your intentions are good and you're trying to help but when I read this question I feel like I'm being judged.

I can't write my tone of voice, but I'm not saying it in a critical, frustrated way. I'm saying it in a very, very gentle, reflective tone. Wondering out loud... I'm saying to myself as well as you, so I don't know if I should write "you" or "I" or "we".

I'm trying to find and express my true self I think under layers of falsehoods I took to heart, and memories I can't face, and numbing out when the pain was and is too much. I don't make sense to myself. What DID happen?

But the question kind of means, look at what's happening NOW, TODAY. Stop living in the past. Don't get lost there. Visit there, but make a better now. Make a better future.

Did you see Andy's "Playing the part"? That kid is so wise sometimes! Dang. And he's younger than both of us. \:\)

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top


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