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#196776 - 12/27/07 05:49 AM alone, lost and empty
HAWKEYE Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/18/04
Posts: 3
Loc: PHILA PA


i don't know how much this will help my situation. I don't like to be a whiner, which is one reason I haven't dealt with this. I was molested by my oldest brother (7yrs older) between ages 5-12. I am 37years old now and consider myself gay. I have been dead inside for so long. I am not even sure I am really gay. Although I think sexuallity is like an imprinting and it can't be changed after a critical period in a kid's life, this is just the way I will be. This is not to say that a gay man can't be attracted to women, which I have been, but my main attraction is to men. I don't see myself dating women, is what I mean to say--that boat sailed long ago.

I have been living a gay lifestyle since I was 18. I had a boyfriend for 10years, who, as it turned out, was cheating on me for all of that time. During that relationship I tried to stay faithful even with the lack of sex from my bf so I turned to internet porn, since it is safe from disease. However, it became totally addicting. So now after 7yrs of addiction, no one I am close to in my life(I am not close with my father, my mother is dead, and I can't bear to see my brothers--they all abused me at some point), I am feeling desperately empty. I have few close friends and I feel like I can't possibly trust anyone else again. Certainly not with this secret. I am a decent looking guy so that is not the problem I don't have many friends, atleast I hope it isn't.

I have been so unsure and defeated my entire life because of this secret. I have always felt dirty and worthless and questioning whether I really was worth the resources I use up in society. My parents never knew what was going on, and I was too embarrassed to tell them--which is my fault because it would have stopped. I was picked on by my family members for being gay, though. My father would make comments to me under his breath. He instructed my brothers to throw out my teddy baear when I was 6yrs old becase he thought I was getting too fruity. My brothers would make similar comments. My mother was worried I would get AIDS when I moved out when I was 17yrs old. All these things were acknowledgements but never the root of why I may have appeared gay. I was a loner in high school, becasue I thought if anyone got close to me they would figure out I was gay. I didn't go to prom, which was a big thing in an all boys catholic high school. So people were figuring out that I was different.

I am really not sure what I even want to get out of this posting, even. I am just totally empty, and sad, and lonely, and getting to the point of hopeless. This is just a horrible place to be in life. I feel like a tissue that everyone uses and then throws away. You think after a certain age that you figure all this shit out. Life just gets better, you forget, and you move on. I just never realized how deeply this has affected me. I am a shell.

Has anyone else felt this way? Anyone else been in this position? Can anyone offer a constructive way out of this?


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#196792 - 12/27/07 10:24 AM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: HAWKEYE]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Originally Posted By: HAWKEYE
I am really not sure what I even want to get out of this posting, even.


I'll start here, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze, squeeze really tight.{{{{{HUG}}}}} It sounds as if you could use a really big bear hug at this point in time.


Originally Posted By: HAWKEYE
I am just totally empty, and sad, and lonely, and getting to the point of hopeless. This is just a horrible place to be in life. I feel like a tissue that everyone uses and then throws away. You think after a certain age that you figure all this shit out. Life just gets better, you forget, and you move on. I just never realized how deeply this has affected me. I am a shell.

Has anyone else felt this way? Anyone else been in this position? Can anyone offer a constructive way out of this?


As for this part of your post; I too feel this way, I struggle so much with who I am. My life is like a beautifully wrapped piece of crap. From the outside it looks great and normal and all that rosy stuff, but inside I feel like crap. I feel so "alone, lost and empty." I am not being who I am, I am living a lie and because I am so worried about other's feelings I deny myself of being who I want or who I feel I am.

I'm not afraid to come out and say I was sexually abused, but I'm terrified of coming out to live my life as a gay man. I fear being even more alone.

I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#196829 - 12/27/07 02:25 PM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: HAWKEYE]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: HAWKEYE

Has anyone else felt this way? Anyone else been in this position? Can anyone offer a constructive way out of this?


Hi Hawkeye,

I'm sorry things are like this for you. I'm 48 and I feel very much the same. I could tell you about that, and perhaps you won't feel so alone and like you're the only one. I think the constructive way out, ... I can't really tell you... but I want to say you and I need to look at the ways our abusive past has kind of separated us from ourselves; look for, find, value and express what feels like our true selves; and feel empowered about that, and not so helpless, wounded and powerless. For me, it feels so hard to do that because I've just never really felt my life was my own in a way. I was just so very frightened and alone as a child and I've never really been able to get over that. The ways I've learned to "be normal" don't feel authentic. I don't feel like I just can't find ME inside myself.

I was enticed into a sexual relationship with 60 year old man when I was 9 for several months. I was looking for attention. I felt incredibly dirty and used, disgusted by him and myself, frightened and ashamed, very confused, very helpless. It happened again at 12 with a teacher though I was curious about bodies and stuff then. Still it was way too much, very frightening, etc. I became very emotionally numb and alone in the world. I kind of reenacted this with older men into my 20's not really knowing what was going on.

I too am gay. What ever that means. I've been in a relationship with a man for 16 years now. People think we have a wonderful relationship. Gay men and others see us as some kind of role model for gay long-term relationships. I am attracted to women and sometimes I feel that is really me; that sex with men is part of the passive fear and mixed up feelings I had being abused. Perhaps it's the best I can do. I'm very afraid to break up and "be on my own". I don't like many gay men (though I think same-sex attraction is fine and natural as can be). I like lots of "guy stuff" so "I'm so butch! You must be a lesbian!" Such stereotypes! I'm just a real person. I'm not interested in what I call "sport sex": always being available and kind of hungry for sex with anyone you find attractive. I feel it's almost demeaning to treat people that way. To each their own, but it doesn't work for me. We don't have sex outside our relationship and I really believe we have been "faithful" all these years.

Perhaps my biggest problem is all the trouble I have with any kind of human relationships. I have no close friends and never have. No work colleagues, college buddies, friends from childhood, etc. I'm OK with acquaintances and people would probably never know I have this problem. I know lots of people. I've been in therapy for two years and that's helped shed a lot of light on myself. Lots of things keep be separated from others. My therapist and I have talked a lot about psychological trauma and the part of my nervous system that forcefully asserts itself whenever I feel my life is seriously threatened. That part is active constantly. Lots of things I learned as a child are very dangerous. Like people. Sex. Women. Older men. Those reactions are very powerful, and can't be interrupted by willpower. They interrupt learning from experiences because they override conscious choice. I've lived with it for so long I don't notice, but it completely undermines a sense of a stable me, confidence in myself, a sense of competence, a sense of connection to others, of safety in the world, and hope for the future. I could never have figured this out without a therapist.

I feared my parents extreme reactions to me so much I learned to put up a false self. I did what they said I wanted. Said what they wanted to hear. Felt what they wanted me to feel. Only, now I feel really lost because I've lost who I am. It became a very bad habit in adulthood.

A lot of stuff happened to me as a teen that I just never got to work out, learn about, experiment with, learn about myself and others. I was too busy trying to "be good" and do what was expected of me, not stick out, not make demands, not "cause a problem", trying to feel safe. Looking back, I just didn't really grow up. My best friend committed suicide, my parents ignored it and told me to "wipe that frown off your face right now young man or we'll send you to military school somewhere." End of story. They didn't really want to parent another child I found out later. Sexual feelings brought up the terror of abuse, so dating girls was awful. I didn't dare let anyone find out I liked boys. I just felt kind of defective and ashamed.

A constructive way out? Don't wait any longer young man! My therapist has been really, really helpful. She's helped me deal with stuff that's truly bigger than I am. I've also been going to an Al-anon group. I've had to try to ignore the totally quaint language (right out of the 1940's it seems) and religious stuff, but "the program" really pushes you to take responsibility for the way you are, quit blaming and start making your life work. I think of it as my substitute for real parents, and a real childhood. And lots of people there have had a big mix of problems to overcome besides actual drinking. My mom was an alcoholic and my partner behaves like one some. Al-anon provides lots of "tools" but no details of how to use them. Figuring that out for yourself is very empowering. Unlike victimization. Very adult. There's lots of leeway to do that as you see fit for yourself. Take responsibility for myself, which is hard because I was never really allowed to, and much of it I don't want and didn't ask for. Acceptance is really hard. Acceptance of how my life has really been harmed, how I can never change that (the past), so much is lost forever. Asking for help is really terrifying. I don't think I've every trusted people much and I have to ask others for help. Gratitude is hard. I feel so wounded by so many things, so cheated, yet I have to get over being a helpless victim. There are things to be grateful for and that brings hope and balance. Faith in a higher power ("no matter how you understand that") is really hard. I'm so angry at God for the way this world is. I don't really believe in God. But I see how I can't really do this feeling alone. I need something whether that "higher power" is the group consciousness, "the program", reliance and faith in others or something like God.

Does any of this "speak to you"? Does a lot of stuff on the forum here jump out at you as important to you? You aren't alone at all, in fact, you say things I've heard many times. How do you feel about therapy? I was really afraid of it, the whole "mental illness" stigma, but I love it now. It's REALLY helpful though I often say it takes time and money ($100/hr). Do you have insurance that covers it? I do, but even if I didn't I think it's worth it. Now I say, "If you have a problem, why not fix it? Do you fix your car yourself? Get help with it!! It works." Take particular care choosing a therapist though. Ever read Mike Lew's "Victim's No Longer" book about effects and recovery from child sexual abuse? Wow. So right on.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#196960 - 12/28/07 10:53 AM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: LandOfShadow]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Gents, I am older than both of you and at this point am a born again virgin. I agree with the therapist bit: be careful. Most here have PTSD issues and if the T hasn't any dealing with it, find another. I live near Boston and when it was time to get the name of a good T who deals with being gay, PTSD and all those other goodies associated with this shit, I called a central ph # here, told the issues I wanted to deal with and was given up 7 names with ph #s and URLS. I finally got connected.

Anyway, we all carry a lot of baggage and learn all the hiding mechanisms, how to dissociate big time rather than face the issues and I have learned how to do the (mental) masochism tango* all by myself. It becomes routine and boring.
(*Thanks Tom Lehrer)
I was told told to write free form style (stream of consciousness)of my traumas - and I just email them to my T and we talk about it or not when I see him. He is a psychotherapist so I call him Mr PsychoT. Not sure how he feels about it but but it beats calling him scheisskopf or other terms of endearment. There has to be trust with the T of course - if not, run -

I am not quite delusional, just off the wall and as I say, a card carrying perv and do watch inernet porn - gotta do something with 2 feet of snow, now down to 1 foot after the rain. I was out there when sleaze was safe but don't do drugs or booze anymore - the thrill is gone...maybe?...but there are substitutes, sometimes dull since it's fun to share.

We are not alone as much as we think we are. Just unaware that others feel as we do. Our pain us unique to ourselves. There can be empathy from others, but no one knows my emptiness, nor your's - so we share if possible, fellow travellers, trekkers or whatever we call each other.

I dabble in French and Quebecois, but am dyslexic and languages are difficult to speak but not to read. In English, at times my words come out reversed (Spoonerisms), logic is not my forte so the neat and fastidious of mind are wary of me. I am me and am not going to become what someone else thinks I should be. Tried it, don't work. Higher Power? It can be a state of mind, or like Cousin Itt, an unknown. I was raised Catholic, was in a monastery but just don't practice. Right now I find God in the goodness of others. Old Latin verse: 'ubi caritas et amor, ibi caritas est.' Where there is love and charity you fill find God. What can I say? For me, blame is a cop out once I have learned the whys and reasons for the past actions and deeds, mine and others.

No time to worry but I have all the time in world. So I read, fret, cook, eat, make whole wheat french bread by hand, garden when the snow is gone and the soil is not like granite (gotta have a real tomato), laugh a lot and love dry humor and wish I had someone to hug but don't. Was told I take people too seriously, especially what they say and am devestated when I discover they don't mean it. So my wall gets a little higher and I look thruough the chink and wonder what is going on with people that they can't tell the truth. It gets frustrating but I still have some hope left, and I still believe in the tooth fairy, so not is all lost. I'd tell about first trip to Montana last September but words are inadequate to describe the place. But I have been to Greenland and Antarctica (was on a navy icebreaker), Europe, and a few other places - some said I come from Pluto (am I a Plutonian then?)so I must be a space case but I gotta be something....

I am rambling, but hey! Why not? Just realize we are indeed not alone, there are others who know what we are talking about and that's a nice feeling. Gotta go. Don't give up, imagination is wonderful, wandering and wondering in our minds is great! It means we are still alive, if you know what I mean.

Later,

GG, froggy, George or whatever appelation I use or am called and you do know that asshole is non-sexist since most have one.

_________________________
??

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#197185 - 12/30/07 12:23 AM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: froggy12]
RiverSeraphim Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 1
Loc: Asia, Philippines, Manila
i am just new here.. i hope i can have friends soon.


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#197201 - 12/30/07 04:44 AM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: RiverSeraphim]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey River welcome to MS, I'm sure you will soon see you already have many friends here. Post any questions or concerns you have when your ready to and your new friends will answer you.

Welcome
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#197257 - 12/30/07 01:06 PM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: mogigo]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Guys, I was hawkeyes age before I started dealing with my molestation. I spent all those years, it started at age 6, thinking that I had somehow "requested to be molested" all of the hiding that we all talk about, the feelings of alienation and inadeqacy, uncertain about my sexuality (I confused character attraction with sexual attraction). I have since been in a lot of therapy and have a wife who knows about my past and is very supportive. I still feel a little trembling in my groin when I meet a man that I admire but I have lived with it long enough to know that it is not a sexual desire (experience with giving into it taught me that). If you look around this site at the different forums you see similar characteristics in Homosexual, Hetersexual, bisexual, asexual and whatever is left.
By involving ourselves with this site we have in a sense, become family, and a good one at that, where all the members are supportive,compassionate and above all empathetic. When we hear our brothers cry, empathy allows us to cry with him
and be supportive no matter how you "get off".(as long as it isn't passing on the CSA). Our sexuality is a complex thing and people who have always been sure of their sexuality have no idea how lucky they are. I am not one to give advice, God knows I confused myself enough, but I will pass on my therapists closing comment "Be KIND to YOURSELF" When stripped of the effects of our abuse we are amazing people and, I believe, the chosen ones to pass on the compassion of the Universe.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#197607 - 01/01/08 10:24 PM Re: alone, lost and empty [Re: dancr6]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hello Haweye,
Welcome!. I have read this thread through and hope that you actually can see that you are not alone. I really understand many of your feelings and want to say a few words with the hope you will keep coming here and often. The more I read the more I feel empathy from others and for them as well. I think confusion and pain are common themes in the lives of CSA victims. I also agree that we have to stop feeling like the victimization is still happening. With love, and support I have learned that I was a victim but I have worked hard to dig out of that deep dark hole. Unfortunately the residual effcts are life long but please don't lose hope.

I hope that somewhere amid these responses there are many things that give you hope and understanding. I have read some powerful statements in this thread and always do whenever I read the boards. May you begin to feel the support and understanding from the thousands of guys who come here for the same reason. I have spent a lifetime feeling like I never belonged on this earth because I never fit in. Thankfully, I am learning that is not the case. May you always find the comfort you seek in some degree. May you always feel alive through the connections that are here and I wish you success in your work. I don't actually know you but I know some of your struggles. Remember we are here for each other.

I wish I could have said more or said it better. My goal is to affirm you that you are worthy of love respect and support, especially because of the past but more because you are a human being.

Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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