Hi again, based on your quote below I will comment and hope it helps.
That doesn't do anything about the terror I feel surrounding everything that has to do with being gay, from finding a man to live my life with to sex.
I understand the fear and concern of being discovered and how it interferes with being in a relationship as well as having sex. When I came out it was a weight off my shoulders and a huge relief. Acceptance then was on who did or did not respect me. It made things clearer because I was now honest and so were the reactions. Learning to be comfortable with sexual identity is not easy for many of us because of society and culture. I guess when we accept who we are, we live more freely without fear and hiding. I think you intellectually get that but it is emotionally hard to accept. This is a struggle yes but I persoanlly believe it is a choice. At least for me. I chose to be open about my sexuality and let the dust settle after I came out. Now I don't give a rats ass if people know I am gay. I am so much more than that as are you.
As for the sexual stuff, all I can say is my second relationship was with a guy who worshiped, adored and insecurely loved me. He was my trigger and opened up wounds of past CSA. That was in 1991. My abilty to be at ease sexually has never been right since that time.I think because he was emotionally involved with me on some level he reminded me of the abuse because supposedly my family loved me too. My abuse was incest with a brother and a father. So my point is once we recall the sexual trauma, sex becomes awkward, and at times a nightmare. At least that is my experience. The only time sex has been okay is when I helped get someone off and abused myself without self-respect. The after burn was just that. It burned me with shame and remorse and sadly still does. I am working on it more than ever before. I need to understand all of my emotions and behaviors and all of the triggers.
Sorry for the long answer,I wanted to be as clear as I can be in the interest of helping you. If I have then I have achieved my goal. I wish you success. Love yourself first and to hell with what others think. You live your life and pay your way...they don't pay your bills or walk in your shoes.