Newest Members
Jerone, teba, Serpenta, mojo, James M
12114 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
chrisH (34), Malaki619 (32), worcester2003 (51)
Who's Online
5 registered (Suwanee, BraveFalcon, imharpo, Bill61, 1 invisible), 65 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12114 Members
73 Forums
62506 Topics
438068 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#197278 - 12/30/07 03:56 PM I can't cry.
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
I have started down the painful road of healing from my CSA. I have many ups and downs. One thing I am not able to do is cry.

My eyes water up but I just can’t let it go. I was raised not to cry, men/boys crying is a bad thing that only shows weakness and causes more problems. I have been told, and understand that crying is good and a healthy way to let the pain out. To this day I still don't cry.

Not being able to cry extends not just to me but also with the loss of family members and other painful events in my life.

Can others cry? If so, how do you do it? If not what are your effects of that? I feel like I'm broken, not crying is the proof in the pudding.

Thank You for your thoughts.

AlphaBravo

_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

Top
#197281 - 12/30/07 04:02 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: alphabravo]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Alpha,

I can cry when I am alone. It is good for me, but sometimes I fear the emotions and cry for too long.

I usually cry at good movies. However, I can start crying at a powerful book or text.

Feel free to cry. It is normal, and it will allow you to remember how to express emotions in their all power.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#197282 - 12/30/07 04:19 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: alexey]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
AlphaBravo,

An inability to cry is usually connected with an inability to experience genuine feelings. When a boy is abused he learns that expressing how he feels about what is happening to him won't get him anywhere - it won't stop, others won't help, and things will only get worse. So he learns to repress his feelings and pretend everything is okay, when in fact his life is falling apart.

In childhood that's a survival strategy, but the problem is we carry it into adulthood, when it becomes a real liability and prevents us from living a full life.

As you work on your recovery you will gradually find it easier to express how you really feel and with that will come an ability to cry again. The idea that a strong man doesn't cry is nonsense, of course; the guy who is able and willing to express how he really feels has a lot more strength than other men who just numb out and refuse to face the world as it really is.

I think the first time I really cried over what had happened to me was when a T asked me, "So how would you describe you childhood?" I managed to to say "I didn't have one", and then began to cry so much I thought I would never stop.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#197292 - 12/30/07 05:15 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: roadrunner]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
AlphaBravo,

I can hardly ever remember crying since, who knows? age 12 or something. Briefly maybe 4 or 5 times. I'm 48 now. I really don't feel safe having strong feelings especially around people, even my partner of 16 years.

It is improving slowly. I consciously kind of practice, feeling sad, very sad, on the verge of tears. Alone, with others.

I agreed with Larry. It's something I learned to not feel bad all the time, to be able to do what was expected of me, to not attract unwanted attention or criticism. It really kills having relationships, friendships with people...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#197299 - 12/30/07 05:59 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: LandOfShadow]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
I find crying is difficult with some survivors because they feel emotionally out-of-control...the loss of being on top of everything or not controlling everything brings out fear in them. The same fear that the Perp gave them during their abuse. Some even tell me, "If I start to cry I'm afraid I'll never stop" or "...I don't know what I'll do" or "what will happen". Thus, we work hard to "control" our emotions; however, putting a lid on one emotion (sadness - crying) can keep the lid on feeling anything else (numbness/empty/etc.). I do know tht once you experience that deep emotion and cry, a whole lot of relief and other things can surface along with a boost in recovery. Hope you can move to experiencing your feelings!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#197315 - 12/30/07 08:09 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: ScottyTodd]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey AlphaBravo.

I love language, and one of the masters of English said this:

To weep is to make less the depth of grief. ~William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth

For me, being able to cry for myself was most difficult. I could cry at a movie when someone died, I could cry in a book ("Where the Red Fern Grows" had me balling). I cried when each of my children was born - but when I thought of the abuse, I would go silent - a cold stillness seemed to wash over me. I felt like anti-emotion.

When I wrote a letter to my abuser, I was dry eyed. But when I read the letter aloud, to my therapist, I started to cry... and I went on for what seemed like eternity.

Since then, I have cried many times - but only when I am alone or with a very special friend - he gets my tears at least once a week, and he never complains \:\) - at least not to ME!

For me, crying is very helpful, but I can only do it when i feel very safe - Like Howard said, it is giving up the control of our emotions, and I, for one, don't like to give up control, EVER...

I think, as you move along in your jouney and find people to trust - to be vulnerable with - some tears may start. But a very wise friend of mine told me just the other day that it isn't wise to put articial timelines on recovery - it will happen when you are ready - and then the time will be perfect.

Good luck, and know there are many shoulders here at MS to cry on if that feels right.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#197320 - 12/30/07 09:51 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: dannym]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
WHEN IT IS TIME IT WILL COME

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#197327 - 12/30/07 11:44 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
Hi AlphaBravo,
I just recently comeforth with the abuse i endored. I dont cry! I use to cry all the time when i was surpressing the abuse but now since I have stepped forward and seeking help I have not cried. I go weekely to therepy and I have yet to cry. I talk with my wife and i have yet to cry ecept the first night I told her. I think I do not cry because I am not surpressing the abuse no more. I am not living in lies nomore. But I think as we move forward in recovery we will cry again and do lots of it. When we start realizing what has happened and visuallizing what has happend we will cry. I am very sad and depressed But I do not cry. I dont think that it is a problem I think it is the road to recovery smalls steps. MVN4WRD

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

Top
#197329 - 12/31/07 01:01 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: mvnforwrd]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi Alphabravo,

I know what it's like not to be able to cry.

I used to cry all the time as a child, even before the abuse. I was always very needy. The sexual abuse by a gym teacher from eight to ten stunted my emotional growth, and I was a cry-baby until high school. I was virtually mute until eighteen.

When I remembered the abuse at nineteen, I broke down in tears. But I stared into the mirror across from me, and I actually had this thought: "He's acting." He looked so upset, but I wasn't feeling much at all.

I took many showers in the weeks afterwards. I crouched down in the tub and cried, where no one could see me. But then, the therapist I went to didn't believe me. My parents were indifferent. And sympathy started to look like a bitter thing. I cried and cried, and no one cared, so that shut me right up.

I'm twenty-six now, and since then, I rarely cry. When I do, I'll be laughing and smiling a minute later. I've developed some kind of cynicism in my head. It's like, "You know you don't really feel anything." "You know there's no point in crying." "You don't want to be that weak little boy."

It's not ideal. I wish I allowed myself to be in touch with my emotions. I wish I had matured normally, and I didn't have to wonder what happiness is, and what sadness is. But they kind of feel the same to me. There's still this emptiness.

My tears feel hollow even when they're not.


Top
#197330 - 12/31/07 01:51 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Bewlayb1]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
You ask a VERY good question, and I'll answer it buy saying that you MIGHT have to address a certain issue or issues BEFORE you can start dealing with your CSA itself.

For instance, in my situation, my T says that I need to first deal with the shock that I went through after disclosing my CSA to my older brother, only to be mocked and ridiculed by him and his friend after doing so. This feeling of shock is something that I suspect is still with me today. I'm on the road to dealing with it though.

To refine this point, let me say that I never cry about my abuse either. But I SHOULD shouldn't I? I suspect that you feel the same way about your CSA incident. I suspect that you cognitively know that it is tragic and in every way regrettable and bad, but you just can't "get it" or "grasp it" and just plain cry. I can't do it either (yet?). I'm beginning to suspect that it's important that ARE able to cry about it though. geez....


Top
#197333 - 12/31/07 03:54 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
Well, put me in the catergory of the noncriers.

However before this and after the CSA, I experienced an inability to release or even connect strongly and firmly enough with the plethora of emotions churning up within me and stay in that moment long enough to express it in any shape and form.

Then I would start feeling proud of myself and pat myself on the back for seeming like this ordinary if perhaps sensitive kid living life.

Poetry was probably my earliest outlet. When I studied piano, certain pieces proved very effective for me in channeling some of those emotions. Chanting and/or singing came later and had also worked wonders. I feel relieved now that at least i am not completely disconnected from my emotions. I still don't cry though, at anything. I certainly feel things sometimes very strongly that make me think, if ever there was a time for me to start bawling, this is it. But nothing comes, yet.

I am sure somewhere along the journey, the tears will flow again as yet another period of release and recovery.

I think that for me, not crying is probably a form of avoidance. No one who knew me as a child would ever think I would have anything to cry about now as an adult from those earlier times.Even any mention of such would certainly prick up the ears and curiosity of those family members who do not know of the CSA and then everything would have to come tumbling out. As long as I am not visibly showing the pain and emotional turmoil, no one will question me on what caused it.


Top
#197341 - 12/31/07 08:09 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Jay Bee]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Reading all of the comments on crying, it seems there as many reasons to block it as we have reasons to cry. I'm curious about how we all would do if we saw our lives in a movie. It seems easier to cry about a detached event. I remember in "Good Will Hunting" when Robin Wiliams said "it wasn't your fault" and Matt Damon's character finally got it; I burst into tears and sobbed for a long time. Luckely I was at home with my wife who was also sobbing, she's on this healing journey with me.
I remember telling my first therapist about an my first bike when I was in sixth grade and my mother and her boyfriend "borrowing" it a few weeks after and never returning it. I surprised myself by breaking into a full blown cry, then he put his hand on my knee, apparently to comfort me and I stopped, turned it off, just like a snap. that was thirty years ago before I started dealing with my CSA. Now...I can cry at the drop of an emotional hat as long as I'm with someone I trust, I can't cry when I'm alone though. One that always gets me is reconciliation especially between a father and a son.
I cry everytime I am with my therapist, she is very trustworthy, which helps to let 'em flow. The release is tremendous and I think we all need to learn to let it out when we are in a safe environment.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197383 - 12/31/07 12:18 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: dancr6]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I can't help myself...

Originally Posted By: dancr6
... breaking into a full blown cry, then he put his hand on my knee,...


Ooooo, STUPID therapist!!!

I remember my first T. I said I was afraid he would touch me. His eyes got big, and he said dramatically, "Oh, Nooo! I wouldn't dream of touching you. I can tell that's not what you need." He actually couldn't even move in his chair without scaring me, sometimes into silence.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#197386 - 12/31/07 12:28 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: LandOfShadow]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
He wasn't a very good therapist, we never even talked about my CSA it wasn't until 7 years later that the CSA was brought out by another T.
Looking back I can't imagine any T that couldn't have read my symptoms as anything but PTSD......I finally found one that was able to convince me that I had been raped by an evil man and things have been moving along ever since.

Lovingly,
Dan

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197387 - 12/31/07 12:32 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
AlphaBravo:
The posts above seem to indicate to me that the act of crying is so different with all of us survivors.

I agree with Okie Mike. When It Is Time, It Will Come. When I was repressing all of my CSA and no one knew other than strangers I met and talked to on the net, I could not cry at all. It is when I FINALLY came "out" and started my healing journey that now I can cry very easily. And Yes, it helps me so much to be able to cry. For me it is a healing process. I am now learning to ground myself when I feel a good cry coming on and can in fact hold off until I am by myself.

I hope that in time you will be able to also cry. Good luck and sure am glad you found MS for help and encouragement. I am so proud of all the MS's here. The feedback from the group here is so encouraging for me.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#197447 - 12/31/07 06:15 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: KENKEN]
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank you all for your response. I am very happy that I found MS. Not be dramatic, but I do feel like my soul was starting to die. Now I have new hope. I have made great friends here. You all bring me comfort. Thank You.

I can't recall the last time I cried. I do remember being conditioned by all around me not to cry. I feel like I just can’t let go. Even when I'm by myself, I don't trust it. I guess I just keep running from it all.

It may sound funny, but I have started to feel for the first time. (My first abuse was at 5 years old.) I'm not sure how I feel about anything. It may sound odd, but real feeling is new. I'm still trying to figure all this out. Crying just seems so raw and out of control. I must always be strong. At this point, crying feels weak. (I know its not. My mind knows. Just not my heart. Sorry. . . )

Please keep the thoughts coming. I think of you all and am slowly coming to the group.

AlphaBravo

_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

Top
#197479 - 12/31/07 09:46 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: alphabravo]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I had a lot of trouble crying. I found music to be very helpful. Piano music like the theme from the movie "A beautiful mind" James Horner & Jim Brickman
Everybody Hurts by REM,
Expecting to Fly - Niel young,
Behind Blue Eyes- The Who,
Fade into you - Mazzy Star
Give a little bit - Supertramp

These are all songs I have cried to. sometimes driving down the road but mostly alone when I'm feeling down.
Now I find many of them have a different meaning for me now that I have opened up and talked about the csa. Hope this helps



Edited by GateKPR4 (12/31/07 09:46 PM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
#197518 - 01/01/08 10:59 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: GateKPR4]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Ever heard "desperado" by the eagles? an oldie but definately a good one to tug at the heart strings, at least for me.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197525 - 01/01/08 12:29 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: dancr6]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
hauser ,why do you insist on blamming your brother? ,i don't think your ever going to cry untill you put the blame where it belongs ,it's called denial and i think your t is only saying what you want to hear. just my opinion


Top
#197551 - 01/01/08 04:21 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
Eric5 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
You are hard externally, but when you break you will be a waterfall. Seen the movie 'Goodwill Hunting'? The scene where Williams says 'its not your fault' repeatedly, Will finally loses his shell, breaks down in a dramatic cry-fest on Williams (his therapists) shoulder. I think the actor (forget his name) probably had some real life issues because his cry was so deep and powerful not to be. I just dont think actors can do such a realistic cry.
So, I think you will eventually cry and kleenex's stock will go up. Seriously. I know how it feels from not being able to cry, but only because ive cried sooo freaking much.


Top
#197802 - 01/03/08 10:26 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: dancr6]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
you bring up an excellent point i ,too can only cry when i am with someone i trust otherwise it's real frightening for me let alone others who have never seen me cry who dont know how to deal with it.

Thank you for pointing out for me that "trust" in any form or lack thereof has a profound effect on our subconcious.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

Top
#200065 - 01/18/08 08:44 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
This week I remembered much of the abuse that I had blocked. I finally cried. I think more people abused me that I thought. I'm not sure I have some holes in my memory. It hurts bad. I wish this never happened. So many people have been bad to me.



Edited by alphabravo (01/18/08 08:48 AM)
_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

Top
#200068 - 01/18/08 09:19 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: alphabravo]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
AB I know it hurts. I was abused by 4 different men in my youth, and I had to ask myself, "Why me?" Was there some sort of sex cult in my neighborhood? Do I have "Victim" stamped on my forehead or something?

I can't explain it. Why have some people been struck by lightning multiple times? Why have some people won more than one lottery? It it's luck, it's bad luck. But it almost seems like it can't be just a coincidence...

Whatever the reason, it's not our fault. If I had "victim" written all over me, it wasn't me who put it there. If I sought out my abusers, it was because I didn't know any better and I was just a kid.

You deserve a good cry.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.