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#197333 - 12/31/07 03:54 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
Well, put me in the catergory of the noncriers.

However before this and after the CSA, I experienced an inability to release or even connect strongly and firmly enough with the plethora of emotions churning up within me and stay in that moment long enough to express it in any shape and form.

Then I would start feeling proud of myself and pat myself on the back for seeming like this ordinary if perhaps sensitive kid living life.

Poetry was probably my earliest outlet. When I studied piano, certain pieces proved very effective for me in channeling some of those emotions. Chanting and/or singing came later and had also worked wonders. I feel relieved now that at least i am not completely disconnected from my emotions. I still don't cry though, at anything. I certainly feel things sometimes very strongly that make me think, if ever there was a time for me to start bawling, this is it. But nothing comes, yet.

I am sure somewhere along the journey, the tears will flow again as yet another period of release and recovery.

I think that for me, not crying is probably a form of avoidance. No one who knew me as a child would ever think I would have anything to cry about now as an adult from those earlier times.Even any mention of such would certainly prick up the ears and curiosity of those family members who do not know of the CSA and then everything would have to come tumbling out. As long as I am not visibly showing the pain and emotional turmoil, no one will question me on what caused it.


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#197341 - 12/31/07 08:09 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Jay Bee]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Reading all of the comments on crying, it seems there as many reasons to block it as we have reasons to cry. I'm curious about how we all would do if we saw our lives in a movie. It seems easier to cry about a detached event. I remember in "Good Will Hunting" when Robin Wiliams said "it wasn't your fault" and Matt Damon's character finally got it; I burst into tears and sobbed for a long time. Luckely I was at home with my wife who was also sobbing, she's on this healing journey with me.
I remember telling my first therapist about an my first bike when I was in sixth grade and my mother and her boyfriend "borrowing" it a few weeks after and never returning it. I surprised myself by breaking into a full blown cry, then he put his hand on my knee, apparently to comfort me and I stopped, turned it off, just like a snap. that was thirty years ago before I started dealing with my CSA. Now...I can cry at the drop of an emotional hat as long as I'm with someone I trust, I can't cry when I'm alone though. One that always gets me is reconciliation especially between a father and a son.
I cry everytime I am with my therapist, she is very trustworthy, which helps to let 'em flow. The release is tremendous and I think we all need to learn to let it out when we are in a safe environment.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#197383 - 12/31/07 12:18 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: dancr6]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I can't help myself...

Originally Posted By: dancr6
... breaking into a full blown cry, then he put his hand on my knee,...


Ooooo, STUPID therapist!!!

I remember my first T. I said I was afraid he would touch me. His eyes got big, and he said dramatically, "Oh, Nooo! I wouldn't dream of touching you. I can tell that's not what you need." He actually couldn't even move in his chair without scaring me, sometimes into silence.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197386 - 12/31/07 12:28 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: LandOfShadow]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
He wasn't a very good therapist, we never even talked about my CSA it wasn't until 7 years later that the CSA was brought out by another T.
Looking back I can't imagine any T that couldn't have read my symptoms as anything but PTSD......I finally found one that was able to convince me that I had been raped by an evil man and things have been moving along ever since.

Lovingly,
Dan

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#197387 - 12/31/07 12:32 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
AlphaBravo:
The posts above seem to indicate to me that the act of crying is so different with all of us survivors.

I agree with Okie Mike. When It Is Time, It Will Come. When I was repressing all of my CSA and no one knew other than strangers I met and talked to on the net, I could not cry at all. It is when I FINALLY came "out" and started my healing journey that now I can cry very easily. And Yes, it helps me so much to be able to cry. For me it is a healing process. I am now learning to ground myself when I feel a good cry coming on and can in fact hold off until I am by myself.

I hope that in time you will be able to also cry. Good luck and sure am glad you found MS for help and encouragement. I am so proud of all the MS's here. The feedback from the group here is so encouraging for me.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#197447 - 12/31/07 06:15 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: KENKEN]
alphabravo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank you all for your response. I am very happy that I found MS. Not be dramatic, but I do feel like my soul was starting to die. Now I have new hope. I have made great friends here. You all bring me comfort. Thank You.

I can't recall the last time I cried. I do remember being conditioned by all around me not to cry. I feel like I just can’t let go. Even when I'm by myself, I don't trust it. I guess I just keep running from it all.

It may sound funny, but I have started to feel for the first time. (My first abuse was at 5 years old.) I'm not sure how I feel about anything. It may sound odd, but real feeling is new. I'm still trying to figure all this out. Crying just seems so raw and out of control. I must always be strong. At this point, crying feels weak. (I know its not. My mind knows. Just not my heart. Sorry. . . )

Please keep the thoughts coming. I think of you all and am slowly coming to the group.

AlphaBravo

_________________________
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

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#197479 - 12/31/07 09:46 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: alphabravo]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I had a lot of trouble crying. I found music to be very helpful. Piano music like the theme from the movie "A beautiful mind" James Horner & Jim Brickman
Everybody Hurts by REM,
Expecting to Fly - Niel young,
Behind Blue Eyes- The Who,
Fade into you - Mazzy Star
Give a little bit - Supertramp

These are all songs I have cried to. sometimes driving down the road but mostly alone when I'm feeling down.
Now I find many of them have a different meaning for me now that I have opened up and talked about the csa. Hope this helps



Edited by GateKPR4 (12/31/07 09:46 PM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#197518 - 01/01/08 10:59 AM Re: I can't cry. [Re: GateKPR4]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Ever heard "desperado" by the eagles? an oldie but definately a good one to tug at the heart strings, at least for me.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#197525 - 01/01/08 12:29 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: dancr6]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
hauser ,why do you insist on blamming your brother? ,i don't think your ever going to cry untill you put the blame where it belongs ,it's called denial and i think your t is only saying what you want to hear. just my opinion


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#197551 - 01/01/08 04:21 PM Re: I can't cry. [Re: Hauser]
Eric5 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
You are hard externally, but when you break you will be a waterfall. Seen the movie 'Goodwill Hunting'? The scene where Williams says 'its not your fault' repeatedly, Will finally loses his shell, breaks down in a dramatic cry-fest on Williams (his therapists) shoulder. I think the actor (forget his name) probably had some real life issues because his cry was so deep and powerful not to be. I just dont think actors can do such a realistic cry.
So, I think you will eventually cry and kleenex's stock will go up. Seriously. I know how it feels from not being able to cry, but only because ive cried sooo freaking much.


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