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#197183 - 12/30/07 12:15 AM Acting Out
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
As survivors, where do we draw the line between "acting out" sexually, and following legitimate sexual attractions.... how thin is the line. I thought I knew, but recently am questioning myself - Thanks

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#197194 - 12/30/07 04:03 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: dannym]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Join the club. I have trouble knowing the difference myself, it's a very troubling question, bringing the topic here is an excellent way to get through it. Bring any concerns or feelings here and you will likely get a fair amount of excellent insight.

Speaking from experience here.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#197203 - 12/30/07 04:52 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: cbfull]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I think one is about having sex the other is about having a relationship

love
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#197212 - 12/30/07 07:23 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dan,

I think it would depend on what your motives are for having sex. If you are doing that - or drinking or getting high - in order to seek relief from your problems, if it feels like you are compensating for something, then you may be acing out.

Think also about how you feel afterwards. If you feel bad about yourself, but then feel tempted to do the same thing later on, then again it may be part of the cycle of acting out.

This is a great question. If you are in therapy it would be a good one to discuss at length with your T.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#197249 - 12/30/07 11:09 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: roadrunner]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia

"Think also about how you feel afterwards. If you feel bad about yourself, but then feel tempted to do the same thing later on, then again it may be part of the cycle of acting out."

Larry, I think you're right on with that statement, and also, your first sentence, "what your motives are for having sex".

I'm glad that I have good control over what I now act on because I remember meeting a man that I admired. I was sure that he would never like someone like me so my thoughts went to seducing him,
gratefully I caught hold of myself before I acted out and soon after was able to accurately see what was going on in my head.

It was not sexual attraction but acting on one of the lessons my perp unknowingly taught me.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#197251 - 12/30/07 11:38 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: dancr6]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I want to have sex all the time. I don't know if it's because of the abuse or because I'm a teenager, or because I'm gay or what. I just think about sex constantly. I dunno if my aswer has anything to do with your question, but I thought it might.
See ya!


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#197252 - 12/30/07 12:25 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: JasonSmalls]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Being a teenager your hormones are probably all over the place. I don't think its all that unusual to want to have sex. When it becomes obsessive that it may be a problem. I'm still new to the whole csa world. I sometimes wonder the same thing myself. There are times when I wonder the same thing, if its acting out or just normal. Larry I think has a good answer "how do I feel after?"
Weather its with a partner or not. If I feel bad after I have to look at my motives.
Was I depressed or under stress? Was I fantasizing about my abuse?
What was going on in my head before, during , and after?
It's not always clear to me, and it takes work.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#197255 - 12/30/07 12:56 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: GateKPR4]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Dan, I think the indicator is whether you feel sorry and sad after the sex, or not. That could indicate if your sexual behaviour was healthy.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#197259 - 12/30/07 01:21 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: alexey]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Larry, I just read your reply to danbuff from 28/12/07 and it sounds to me that you gave an outstanding comment on the difference!!!!!

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#197276 - 12/30/07 03:36 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: dancr6]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I acted out -- or "relived" -- my abuse like crazy in 4th, 5th and 6th grade...and pretty much lost a lot of friends because of it. Especially my best friend at the time. I never knew why he stopped talking to me in 6th grade until I was older. I can imagine it was uncomfy for him. \:\(

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#197307 - 12/30/07 06:51 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: AndyJB2005]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Wow, is this thread giving me some things to ponder and explore...

Keep up the good work, guys!

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197557 - 01/01/08 04:37 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: dannym]
Eric5 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
another good question. i dont have sex with anyone. i am a virgin as far as i know. so, for now, i'm safe from std's or bringing others into it. normal or not? dont know. its just how I am surviving.


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#197566 - 01/01/08 05:13 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: Eric5]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Excellent discussion. I've avoided this thread for some reason till today.

I think for me, because of the really messed up things that happened to me, I have chosen to look at it from the standpoint of "What is good for my marriage?" If any sexual activity interferer's with or is destructive to that, then I draw the line. The way I figure it, I've got a great lady, something which I never ever figured I'd be able to have, and if I choose to deliberately to something sexual that endangers that, then I've done something really stupid!

Perhaps if I'd not been abused it would be easier to ask the question as "What is good for me and what isn't?" but at this point in my life the other is simpler for my pea brain to figure out \:D

I guess that's another way of saying I know which side my bread is buttered on, eh?

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#197623 - 01/02/08 09:33 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: WalkingSouth]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i dont think there is a universal answer. i think so much depends on the person and his feelings. if we all listed out our sexual habbits you would probably get a great range. some have a lot of sex. some only have sex when in relationships. some dont have sex at all. so if you ask someone who doesn't have sex, "am i acting out if i have sex once a week?" then to that person, that might seem extreme. but if you ask someone who has sex every day, then the answer would be "probably not." im not saying that it is all based on the amount of sex a person has, but more that people are all coming from different persepctives. at the end of the day, it comes down to you, and how you feel. if you have sex 4892 times a day and are okay with it, then more power to you.


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#197632 - 01/02/08 12:29 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: cbfull]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
You guys really come up with some good ones...

I'm with cbfull.

I am confused about what acting out is for me. It's not particularly doing something I shouldn't, or that harms me or others. I'm rather controlled in my behavior. More like, knowing how I feel, knowing my motives, being able to make choices from a full range of options.

Originally Posted By: dancr6
I remember meeting a man that I admired. I was sure that he would never like someone like me so my thoughts went to seducing him,
gratefully I caught hold of myself before I acted out and soon after was able to accurately see what was going on in my head.


So, what was going on in your head?

So, it's like, attention, approval got confused with sexual expression unconsciously. I got that. So how do you, did you, untangle these things? It's like, I don't know I have the choice to be close, even physically close, or touch but not sexually, without it being the sexual sedution and sex>
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197704 - 01/02/08 11:20 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: LandOfShadow]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
is it acting out to have a wife and family a totaly straight lifestyle ,but to not be able to control an urge to have sex with a man? to feel it build inside untill i have to do something ? risking everything and feeling like a piece of shit after?


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#197753 - 01/03/08 12:24 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: evanesence]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I guess I don't really know, but I wonder... Do you know what's really going on with you, what you feel and want and get out of this sex with a man stuff? Cause the feeling like shit after sounds rough. What's going on there?

This sounds really troubling, and you have my sympathy.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#197756 - 01/03/08 12:42 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: LandOfShadow]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Dan, my friend.

I doubt I can add anything beyond what others have said, but I do want to thank you for the topic. With me, sometimes I feel bad afterwards, sometimes I don't - under similar conditions - so I can't go strictly by how I feel.

A related question might be: "Is it ever acceptable to act out?"

M

PS - this would make a FUN topic for a support group ... (hint hint)




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#197778 - 01/03/08 04:12 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mark and Dan

Yea, this would be a great topic for our group.

This topic sure is on my mind alot lately. I have not acted out for now almost 6 months.

But the thoughts are always there.

For me it is the control issue that I have to always remember. I can control what I do, act out, etc. I know what I did when I acted out was wrong. And I felt like shit when all was said and done too. But then, why or why do the feelings, emotions I have at times want to "act out" again?

I know it has to do with my CSA. I just have to continue to find coping skills to get over those feelings of excitement when I think of doing something that would wrect all that I have been doing to get better.

My 2 cents says that acting out is wrong, especially the acting out that I did was wrong. Guess I can't say all acting out is bad.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#197788 - 01/03/08 06:15 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: KENKEN]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
responding to landofshadow mostly; what was in my head was the knowledge (from experience) that I had a tendency to sexualize any attraction. when I was younger I didn't know about such things and the couple of times I gave into the confused thinking, I realized that what I thought was a sexual desire wasn't followed up with the pleasure I expected, instead I had to say "I'm sorry I'm really not into this" after a couple of times of this I read about the phenomenon of sexualizing attractions and started catching hold sooner and waiting for the realization of the qualities in the person that I was attracted to but interperating as sexual. After that it was like quitting smoking, I knew that the urge would pass and I just had to wait it out.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197843 - 01/04/08 08:47 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: dancr6]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Thanks dancr6,
That makes sense to me. Actually, it's spooky how much sense it makes to me. Only, I'm not sure, but I wonder if I never got the memo \:\) . I shouldn't joke, but sometimes I just have to. I think lots of things have been sexualized for me, and I've never untangled them. I'm glad for you that you were able to discern when it wasn't right for you and just wait for it to pass.

Actually, I was responding to evanescense, though what you're saying "speaks to me".

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#197880 - 01/04/08 12:57 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: LandOfShadow]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Trust me on this, it wasn't without a lot of self disgust.(i am not disgusted by anyone elses sexuality) For the most part I didn't know it would get easier, I just plugged along thinkig nothing but feeling ignorant, just reacting until one time it struck me that it just wasn't working. One of the things I have to attribute to "divine influence" no other way for me to describe it.
(I am a spiritually minded person but not a religious person just to clarify!:-)
I still sexualize inappropriately, I just don't act on it. If my orientation was different I'm sure this whole issue would be a lot more coomplicated.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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