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#196888 - 12/27/07 10:11 PM Brief Introduction
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
Hi everyone. I'm new to MS. I'm trying to read people's posts but am feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I thought I just do a brief introduction first.

I am a 32 year old gay male. I was sexually abused by my father starting around age 4. This continued until I reached puberty, but he continued to exploit me through adolescence into adulthood. When I was 9 I was recruited into hard core sex "play" and pornography by an older boy. That only lasted a little while, but I still have intense dreams about it. I have only started to deal with this the past few months. I have a great therapist. I am building a support network where I live with other MS's.

A year and a half ago I had a major meltdown and lost my job, my apartment, and my car. Rather than move back in with my abuser (as has been the pattern), I took the next Greyhound to the West Coast, where I have slowly built my life back. I'm on disability for PTSD.

I have three older half-sisters from my dad's first marriage. He abused all three of them, too. It hasn't been until recently that I've started talking to them about what happened. Two of them have made a lot of progress in therapy. They believe my story (one of my biggest fears is being told that I'm imagining what happened). I have suspended all contact with my parents. My sisters are my family now.

As I compare notes with my sisters, break out of my isolation and work with my therapist, the reality of what I endured overwhelms me. I blocked it out for a long time with drugs and alcohol. Now I can't stop thinking about it. My therapist says it will take a long time to heal from what I experienced, but I want my life back now! Now that the memory vault has been unsealed, I can't shut it again. I feel like I'd be betraying my inner child to stuff all that stuff back in the closet again.

But maybe this is what I am supposed to do now. I'm safe. I'm no longer self destructive or suicidal. I feel sick most of the time, but I manage. I hope by working with other men like myself, I'll be able to escape the prison within.

Well that's enough said for now. Thanks for providing this resource for people like me.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#196899 - 12/27/07 11:42 PM Re: Brief Introduction [Re: Liri]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Liri,

Let me say, Welcome to MS, but I'm sorry you need this place.

Many of the things you discribe in your introduction, are very familiar to most of us, you're not alone.

I know right now, things seem to come rushing at you. As you point out, once you open the door to your memories, they can overwhelm. Take it from someone who has battled this for many years, it can get better.

You are taking the right steps to recovery. Build your network of friends, and keep talking. The more you let the secret out, the less heavy it will seem. Once the weight has been lifted, you can move forward in life.

You have the right attitude, just don't give up.

Talk away, we'll listen.

Welcome again,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#196902 - 12/28/07 12:28 AM Re: Brief Introduction [Re: Scoutvictim]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
Thanks for the welcome. I just made weekend plans with one of my local friends who has a similar story to mine. He's older, but safe. At this point in my life, I have trouble making friends with people who aren't survivors. But it's okay, because with you guys I finding the tribe I needed a long long time ago.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#196937 - 12/28/07 09:00 AM Re: Brief Introduction [Re: Liri]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Liri,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. You have really jumped into things with all these posts, and I'm glad you feel this comfortable here. There are so many great guys on the site who will have great ideas and feedback for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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