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#192784 - 11/27/07 05:53 AM New and messy
idnh Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/27/07
Posts: 1
This is an issue I have been putting off dealing with for a long time. My life is a mess. I am 20 years old, out of school for the year, and attempting to clean up the several problem areas of my life. I originally identified the problems as smoking, drinking, and overeating. The causes of these problems is depression and anxiety, trust issues, incapability of expressing my feelings, and general frustration and disgust in all of humanity. And all of this is branched out from past sexual trauma.

I have never been able to verbalize to anyone in person, except when I was plowed out of my mind. I've gone to therapy, but have only been able to discuss the topic with "yes" or "no" responses. I need to find an appropriate outlet, or maybe a starting point, and I suppose this forum could be an easy way to do so, given the anonymity. But as one can notice, I have already procrastinated from dealing with the issue at hand for two full paragraphs.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am frustrated. I am pissed off and angry. I cannot stop minimizing the issue, blaming myself, criticizing myself, or find any level of balance in my life. I don't trust anyone. I have absolutely no faith in humanity anymore.

I was raped by my much older brother on almost a daily basis from the age of 5 to 11. I personally put a stop to it after I learned how perverse his behavior actually was, and I achieved this by threatening him with an ax. I am constantly overwhelmed by the humiliation and shame he caused me, and I have continued to deal with this by building a fortress of cynicism and feigned strength for the past decade.

I am at a crossroads in my life, one at which I need to decide whether I can continue living my life as a victim who is constantly dependent on sources of instant gratification to get through the day or as an adult who can let go of this rage that has practically destroyed my life.

On top of this rage, I am frustrated that I want to have a normal life, normal human relationships, etc. but I cannot seem to let myself out of my self-imposed confinement.

In addition, I have always known that I was gay, and I have no real stigma about this. However, I live in a rural town of bigots, and I cannot seem to get myself out of the closet. This is something I do not want to feel shame about, yet I am constantly watching myself in order to qualm my fears of being a victim of a "fag-drag."

The real point of this post, I guess, is venting. Nevertheless, if anyone feels like providing support, criticism, advice for dealing with this, or general commentary on my over-the-top neurosis, it would be appreciated. However, I could never show my appreciation because I am incapable of admitting to myself that anyone would possibly take the time to respond without some sort of preachy ulterior motive.

Post away.


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#192789 - 11/27/07 06:43 AM Re: New and messy [Re: idnh]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Quote:
Nevertheless, if anyone feels like providing support, criticism, advice for dealing with this, or general commentary on my over-the-top neurosis, it would be appreciated.


Hi, idnh, & welcome.

I don't know if you'd been reading the posts here before you registered, but I think you'll find a lot of us are dealing with very similar issues. You're not alone, or over the top.*

You seem to have a lot of self-awareness and a real willingness to look at the abuse and its impact on your life today -- these are the most important things we have going for us.

It's not easy, and I'm sorry for the reasons you're here, but this has been an amazing place for me. I hope you find the support you need. Congratulations on taking that first step and writing!

*A friend of mine, an actor, got this in a review--"He was so far over the top, he was halfway up the next mountain."

David


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#192964 - 11/28/07 10:33 AM Re: New and messy [Re: MemoryVault]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
idnh,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm glad you found us and I know you will get a lot of understanding and support here. Like David says, you are NOT alone.

One way in particular that the site may be able to help you is with the therapy problem. So many of us have been through that and we can help you come to terms with the difficulty of trying to be open and frank with your T. It's scary and difficult at first, yes, but that stage passes. By the time I was about to end therapy my sessions with my T were a highlight of my week!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193786 - 12/04/07 04:20 PM Re: New and messy [Re: idnh]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Originally Posted By: idnh
I am at a crossroads in my life, one at which I need to decide whether I can continue living my life as a victim who is constantly dependent on sources of instant gratification to get through the day or as an adult who can let go of this rage that has practically destroyed my life.


Sounds like a 'no-brainer' to me, provided the decision is yours to make. For me, it wasn't that easy. I could 'decide' all day long, but it never made any difference. Sure, letting go of all that rage, shame, guilt, etc. and setting your spirit free is the goal, and if you can do it just by deciding to do it, more power to you! It took me a long time and a lot of help to even come close.

Originally Posted By: idnh
I am incapable of admitting to myself that anyone would possibly take the time to respond without some sort of preachy ulterior motive.


Here is where it indeed becomes 'messy.' If you are incapable of admitting that anyone would do something nice for you, I also doubt that you are capable of doing it either. Could you decide to stop smoking, drinking and overeating just because it's in your own best interests? Could you decide to trust a stranger without knowing anything about them? These issues you have are your own ways of masking the symptoms of your CSA. If you decided today to quit doing all these things, it wouldn't mean that you had finally recovered from your CSA. More likely, you'd fall back into the old habits sooner of later (because the root cause of your need for them still exists) and you'd end up feeling even guiltier than before.

You have made a good decision to come here. The help and support you find here may sound preachy at times, but it will always be with your best interest at heart. In time, you may come to trust some of us as well.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193873 - 12/05/07 05:59 AM Re: New and messy [Re: Lazarus]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
i'm sorry and welcome. you'll find many listening ears here. i'm 24. feel free to pm me. it's really hard to open up. i'm not the best at it, but i find it can be rewarding to let people in sometimes. do you sitll have communication w/ your bro?

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#193893 - 12/05/07 11:21 AM Re: New and messy [Re: idnh]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Originally Posted By: idnh
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am frustrated. I am pissed off and angry.


And you have every right to your feeling.

Welcome to MS.org. I'm sorry you need, but glad you found us.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#196908 - 12/28/07 12:57 AM Re: New and messy [Re: James_dup1]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
I'm just starting to deal with this stuff, too. My Dad abused me from 4-11 including rape. We lived in the woods, there were axes around, and believe me I wanted to use them on something other than my chores. I have a really hard time feeling anger about what he did to me. I wasn't allowed to display any anger when I was growing up. That rage is definitely there, but when I start to feel it, the shame comes down on me full force. I learned to turn it inward, like you, and tried to smoke and drink and drop it away. Hopefully, now that I have cut off contact with my parents, I can let some of that rage out in a healthy way. I don't know what that is, but I imagine I might need to buy an electric guitar again and start shredding (my dad always hated that). I wasted my 20's with drugs. I wouldn't recommend it. I came from a small southern city full of rednecks. I had to leave to survive.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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